uncontrolled emotions

i stepped out of my house this morning with a reluctance to go for choir, with a sore in my heart from the balance of last night.

i stepped into church with tears in my eyes feeling upset at something that i'm not sure of. i knew there was something wrong. but i could not find peace.
I prayed silently, that someone will talk to me that day. someone will listen to my woes.

and sure enough, someone came along.
we sat down. we talked about what it really meant by having a Godly relationship.
we talked about the struggles the girls go through. and it occured to me that i'm not the only one suffering.
it's just that we girls are more emotional and sensitive.
though we have different love language, but we still face the same struggles.

we need our man to love us in a more direct way. for her, she hopes that her man will talk to her more instead of buying plenty of things for her.
for me, i desire my man's full attention when he's with me. but i also know that it isn't that he does not want to give me full attention. but when i'm around, that's when he can sit down peacefully to do his work knowing i'm around.

but to me, i feel neglected at many points of time.
i blamed myself for not being a good enough girl to consistently give in to him just as the bible said, wives to submit to your husbands. and she also said that she had this problem.
we girls are filled of inferiority towards man. man seemed to be everything to us.

but she said relationships are not just based on feelings, but the word committment means more than we see.
God wants us to learn how to not rely on our man all the time but to rely on God for strength.
God wants us to dwell in him. not in man.
God wants to teach us how to sacrifice our own wants, our own needs for their happiness.
even though the bible says Wives submit to their husband, but we're also a helper to our man. if they are not doing well in certain area, we take our role to keep our man in prayer praying that God will show/reveal it to them personally. but we do not take up a role of accusation and demanding them to change/transformed immediately.

she continued that as long as we understand the love language of each other. we can try to compromise and give in. she also said that the most important thing is the man loves the lady. the lady loves the man. a relationship without love is impossible.

but when the lady has no more room to persevere, the lady has to go look for the man to communicate everything out.
another point mentioned which was quoted from pastor jessie, we must satisfy our spiritual hunger before doing other things. n o matter what kind of situation we are in, we must keep going back to God.


after this chat, i had choir practice.
after hearing so much, i felt broken. really broken. tears couldn't stop filling my eyes. i felt like there is something working in me.

but i could not place my fingers to it.
until practice on stage, dorcas pulled me aside harshly. she said i was a discouragement on stage to the rest. i was pulling the team down.
this was when my very last straw teared. and i cried, i wept.
she told me to take a break from singing. and go home.

i was totally heart broken. i could only mustered enough courage to get my things and head to the the toilet and then cry out so loudly.
until now the harsh reality still hit me so badly.

i still cannot comfort myself.
but whatever the situation, i know that God knows and i trust God that things will work out for all good.

so i'll be strong in this trial. for Jesus is an overcomer of the world, so i can overcome the world too!


loves.