i want to grow to an even higher spiritual level.
i want to grow even more closely to God and walk with him.
its just so awesome to know that when you feel particularly down, you can just sit infront of God and tell him, "Father, i surrender all to you. take away the sorrow, and give me peace."
and before you realized, you find that the hurts has disappeared. and your heart has peace within one again.
i've been praying. praying. my life has been topsy turvy for quite awhile. not as in topsy turvy with other stuffs. but with God. everything has not been right. and its time to make it right again. i really do not know what to say.
i guess its between God and i. but i know its alright now.
really.
i watched esther's video already. it sort of touched me somewhere in my heart. the loneliness portrayed in that video.
some will not know what it means by loneliness. its an empty feeling in your heart that do not bring you anywhere. you can try to search for people to fill this loneliness in you. but i can tell you that humans will fail you. God will not. God will fill this loneliness, this emptiness in you with his love and compassion. whereas humans will never be able to do.
okay. i've to rush. going to jeffrey's mum canteen and work. one hour of work only. then i think i'll come home to slack. or meet yemin. then 6pm i'll go church.
((:
loveloves.
p.s pray for me, my christian friends. that i will not get stuck on my spiritual growth anymore, and move on. that i'll have strength to face each day with smiles.(: loves.
Monday, February 26, 2007
sigh. study study.
okay. i just woke up from my afternoon nap. i studied quite hard today. there's more to come. mugmugmug.
the most interesting thing of the day. well. i quarrelled with my eldest brother. it always happens. but my mom said im in the wrong. even if my brother is wrong in the first place, im still in the wrong. because its wrong for the younger to shout at the older.
well. okay. even if im wrong, im not the least apologethic. really.
he disown me as his sister. and i really don't care. the reason being cause i really don't see a need to respect him. being his sister for so many years, i have never seen him contributing to the family. been always seeing him being rude to my parents. always seeing him scold and shout at people over the phone, always seeing him bring girls back home. and lastly i shall not mention the last part. because its not for you to know.
if, he was like my 2nd brother. who gives me a right to respect him. yes i'll. and i'll love him. but how can i love him? he told me not to talk to him anymore. and he said he don't even want to talk to me or see me at all. well deep down in my heart i was thinking "then why are you speaking to me now" but its a good thing i kept my silence. all he would seriously have whack me. not lying. because i knew he had that urge too. but if he whack me, i seriously would have hit him back. i remember how he slapped me when i was young just because i tore his magazine. like hey. im still young okay!
sigh. gonna take some time to try to exercise forgiveness towards him. i really feel sad for him. because i know he is an unhappy man. because he do not know Jesus. but now, i can't even speak to him. now im not speaking to 2 men in the family. gosh.
im feeling so irritated. with him. withmyself. BLEAH.
whatever lah. i still think its not my fault.
at least i rant it all out. and he packed his bag and left. where. i don't know. and i can't be bothered. i never felt so much against him until like today. i always keep things in my heart. no wonder i exploded. Patience . sigh.
love,
qiqi
okay. i just woke up from my afternoon nap. i studied quite hard today. there's more to come. mugmugmug.
the most interesting thing of the day. well. i quarrelled with my eldest brother. it always happens. but my mom said im in the wrong. even if my brother is wrong in the first place, im still in the wrong. because its wrong for the younger to shout at the older.
well. okay. even if im wrong, im not the least apologethic. really.
he disown me as his sister. and i really don't care. the reason being cause i really don't see a need to respect him. being his sister for so many years, i have never seen him contributing to the family. been always seeing him being rude to my parents. always seeing him scold and shout at people over the phone, always seeing him bring girls back home. and lastly i shall not mention the last part. because its not for you to know.
if, he was like my 2nd brother. who gives me a right to respect him. yes i'll. and i'll love him. but how can i love him? he told me not to talk to him anymore. and he said he don't even want to talk to me or see me at all. well deep down in my heart i was thinking "then why are you speaking to me now" but its a good thing i kept my silence. all he would seriously have whack me. not lying. because i knew he had that urge too. but if he whack me, i seriously would have hit him back. i remember how he slapped me when i was young just because i tore his magazine. like hey. im still young okay!
sigh. gonna take some time to try to exercise forgiveness towards him. i really feel sad for him. because i know he is an unhappy man. because he do not know Jesus. but now, i can't even speak to him. now im not speaking to 2 men in the family. gosh.
im feeling so irritated. with him. withmyself. BLEAH.
whatever lah. i still think its not my fault.
at least i rant it all out. and he packed his bag and left. where. i don't know. and i can't be bothered. i never felt so much against him until like today. i always keep things in my heart. no wonder i exploded. Patience . sigh.
love,
qiqi
hoho.
i've been studying the whole morning. 2 hours only lah. haha.
but its been a long session of reading the notes, understanding. all the words. goodness)):
well, im looking forward to tmr. the last exam paper and the last day of school. God, please get me through everything. & good grades! amen!
for the glory of God. to do my best for Him.
haha.
i have 1 hour and 19 mins more before im going back to complete the last two topics of SWEN. and hurray! no lah. i'll still have to spend the whole day reading more&more. and get it all in my head. miss that boy now. i thought he might be online. but NO?! ))):
he never even smsed me in the morning can! stupidstupid.
haha. but i love him lah.
okay. God bless to those who are having papers today. marketing, technology. hahaha. I got no finance PAPER!! whooohooo!
haha.
okay. God bless Sean, Ina, Haney. and many others.
loveloves..
byeee.
i've been studying the whole morning. 2 hours only lah. haha.
but its been a long session of reading the notes, understanding. all the words. goodness)):
well, im looking forward to tmr. the last exam paper and the last day of school. God, please get me through everything. & good grades! amen!
for the glory of God. to do my best for Him.
haha.
i have 1 hour and 19 mins more before im going back to complete the last two topics of SWEN. and hurray! no lah. i'll still have to spend the whole day reading more&more. and get it all in my head. miss that boy now. i thought he might be online. but NO?! ))):
he never even smsed me in the morning can! stupidstupid.
haha. but i love him lah.
okay. God bless to those who are having papers today. marketing, technology. hahaha. I got no finance PAPER!! whooohooo!
haha.
okay. God bless Sean, Ina, Haney. and many others.
loveloves..
byeee.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
i have been out the whole day.
been to church. cellgroup. and oh yeah. we've a new cell member. shenrae. i kinda like her. haha. got to know her a little bit more. and hey, both she&i came to bbtc with almost the same reason. hahas.
okay. then i spend my whole afternoon with jeffrey. and went for dinner with his family at elias mall. and then i reached the decision of working for his mother during my hols. the pay. don't tell you lah. secret. *winks.
okay. im supposed to go study SWEN. but im a little tired now. so i'll have a good rest. and wake up, say 7am? then i'll mug mug mug till night time. ((: i know i can do it! God will be here with me through out. haha. and weds i'll START WORK. hoho.
i cannot tell you how much i really love being with his family and all. its a warmth heartfelt experience. the love, the laughter shared among one another. really. to me, its the best gift i can ever have. knowing him, knowing his family. everything is still unbelievable. but it had really happened, and i thank God.
and if abigail ever reads my blog, my words to you are be strong in whatever you do. wipe the tears away. and God will be with you. (:
today's Highquest was GOOD. although i couldn't really get what the passage was bout, but hearing the different sharing really blessed me. and yah. im more motivated to do the highquest even more! and i learnt a good lesson. to lean on the Holy Spirit for directions and understanding.
the things i have learnt today are really awesome!
okok. gotta go.
loveloves.
been to church. cellgroup. and oh yeah. we've a new cell member. shenrae. i kinda like her. haha. got to know her a little bit more. and hey, both she&i came to bbtc with almost the same reason. hahas.
okay. then i spend my whole afternoon with jeffrey. and went for dinner with his family at elias mall. and then i reached the decision of working for his mother during my hols. the pay. don't tell you lah. secret. *winks.
okay. im supposed to go study SWEN. but im a little tired now. so i'll have a good rest. and wake up, say 7am? then i'll mug mug mug till night time. ((: i know i can do it! God will be here with me through out. haha. and weds i'll START WORK. hoho.
i cannot tell you how much i really love being with his family and all. its a warmth heartfelt experience. the love, the laughter shared among one another. really. to me, its the best gift i can ever have. knowing him, knowing his family. everything is still unbelievable. but it had really happened, and i thank God.
and if abigail ever reads my blog, my words to you are be strong in whatever you do. wipe the tears away. and God will be with you. (:
today's Highquest was GOOD. although i couldn't really get what the passage was bout, but hearing the different sharing really blessed me. and yah. im more motivated to do the highquest even more! and i learnt a good lesson. to lean on the Holy Spirit for directions and understanding.
the things i have learnt today are really awesome!
okok. gotta go.
loveloves.
im gonna blog bout the seminar i attended. because i felt that it was really meaningful. and for those who missed it, you can read more from my blog entry today.
FAITH series - Faith, Hope, Patience - by Pastor Benny Ho
FAITH:
Text: Matthew 15:21-28 (go flip your bible)
7 keys to great faith:
1)Faith is focused on Christ
Our focus is not on our faith but rather on the One in whom we are basing our faith on.
Hebrews 12:1,2 - Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our Faith
2)Faith is founded on grace
The word "grace" means "unmerited favor" (freely given, not based on merits)
Galatians 5:4,5 - "You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope."
By faith, we wait eagerly.
Romans 5:5 - "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
God will not let our biblical hope to waste.
Hebrews 6:19 - "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil..."
3) Faith is followed by action
We need to act on Faith.
James 2:14 - "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"
James 2:17 - "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
The lack of action proved that Faith was never alive in the first place.
Act in faith, come to Jesus.
4)Faith is finished through patience
The test of waiting.
Hebrew 6:12 - "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
Hebrews 10:23 - "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:34,35 - "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly awarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Do not give up, keep pressing on and have persistent faith.
5)Faith must fight off offense
John 6:60-66 (after reading Matthew 15:21-28) - "On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? ... From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."
Matthew 15:27 - "Yes it is, Lord," she said. "Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table."
She fought off the offense and turn the offense around with great faith.
6)Faith is fueled by love
Galatians 5:6 - "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor un-circumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."
Not how hard or how well you pray, but it is how much you love, you care for the person you pray for.
come by faith and reach out to the person.
7)Faith is the finance of heaven
-see faith as heavenly currency
James 1:7 - "Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord..."
Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:6 - "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Matthew 17:20 - "Truly i tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
i shall carry on with hope and patience tmr. because im tired. hahas.
okay. i hope you learn a lot from this faith series. worth reading. really.
FAITH series - Faith, Hope, Patience - by Pastor Benny Ho
FAITH:
Text: Matthew 15:21-28 (go flip your bible)
7 keys to great faith:
1)Faith is focused on Christ
Our focus is not on our faith but rather on the One in whom we are basing our faith on.
Hebrews 12:1,2 - Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our Faith
2)Faith is founded on grace
The word "grace" means "unmerited favor" (freely given, not based on merits)
Galatians 5:4,5 - "You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope."
By faith, we wait eagerly.
"Hope is the quiet, steady, confident expectation of good."
Romans 5:5 - "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
God will not let our biblical hope to waste.
Hebrews 6:19 - "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil..."
3) Faith is followed by action
We need to act on Faith.
James 2:14 - "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"
James 2:17 - "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
The lack of action proved that Faith was never alive in the first place.
Act in faith, come to Jesus.
4)Faith is finished through patience
The test of waiting.
Hebrew 6:12 - "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
Hebrews 10:23 - "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:34,35 - "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly awarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Do not give up, keep pressing on and have persistent faith.
5)Faith must fight off offense
John 6:60-66 (after reading Matthew 15:21-28) - "On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? ... From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."
Matthew 15:27 - "Yes it is, Lord," she said. "Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table."
She fought off the offense and turn the offense around with great faith.
6)Faith is fueled by love
Galatians 5:6 - "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor un-circumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."
Not how hard or how well you pray, but it is how much you love, you care for the person you pray for.
come by faith and reach out to the person.
7)Faith is the finance of heaven
-see faith as heavenly currency
James 1:7 - "Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord..."
Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:6 - "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Matthew 17:20 - "Truly i tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
i shall carry on with hope and patience tmr. because im tired. hahas.
okay. i hope you learn a lot from this faith series. worth reading. really.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
when im bored i blog.
when im unhappy i blog.
when im happy i blog.
when im sick i blog.
man. blog is becoming a habit that one shouldn't have.
i drank coffee. and now i cannot sleep. sigh. and i have to wake up at 7am and i can't sleep now. its bad. really bad.
i blogged three times today. is it too much? i think so. i miss school. miss the people. really. sigh. sigh. sigh.
i think i miss jeffrey more. today he smsed me TWICE and called me ONCE.
haha. count.count.
Select Count(*) from handphone where Jeff_SMS = 2 and Jeff_CALL = 1l
hahahaha. thats for IT students. sigh.
im mad. haha. GIVEME SMTH TO DO RIGHT NOW.
okay. next week, here's my schedule.
monday: study for SWEN
tuesday: SWEN paper then yemin and i have plans to go out.
wednesday: rot at home?
thursday: HIM. i want him&only him.
friday: out with annette&emily.
saturday: CHOIR?
sunday: CHURCH.
hahaha. okay. i think i'll find smth better to entertain myself. im kinda REALLY bored now.
bye.loveloves.
when im unhappy i blog.
when im happy i blog.
when im sick i blog.
man. blog is becoming a habit that one shouldn't have.
i drank coffee. and now i cannot sleep. sigh. and i have to wake up at 7am and i can't sleep now. its bad. really bad.
i blogged three times today. is it too much? i think so. i miss school. miss the people. really. sigh. sigh. sigh.
i think i miss jeffrey more. today he smsed me TWICE and called me ONCE.
haha. count.count.
Select Count(*) from handphone where Jeff_SMS = 2 and Jeff_CALL = 1l
hahahaha. thats for IT students. sigh.
im mad. haha. GIVEME SMTH TO DO RIGHT NOW.
okay. next week, here's my schedule.
monday: study for SWEN
tuesday: SWEN paper then yemin and i have plans to go out.
wednesday: rot at home?
thursday: HIM. i want him&only him.
friday: out with annette&emily.
saturday: CHOIR?
sunday: CHURCH.
hahaha. okay. i think i'll find smth better to entertain myself. im kinda REALLY bored now.
bye.loveloves.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
he's BACK!
hahaha. loveloves.
revamp my blog. and i love the simplicity of it. ARRRR
hahahas.
im gonna meet simon later to mug. stupid codings and all. yikes. but i guess its a win-win situation. cause we can really learn more from each other. he is better than i am at coding. sigh. its hard to find people to study together. cause most people can't study outside. whereas i. i can't study at home, i tend to be distracted.
hmm. and im meeting jeffrey later. finally! haha.
sorry ina. i kept bugging you yesterday. but i had a great conversation with many of you online. haha. loveloves.
takecare. love my blog? yes no? TAG! haha . byee.
hahaha. loveloves.
revamp my blog. and i love the simplicity of it. ARRRR
hahahas.
im gonna meet simon later to mug. stupid codings and all. yikes. but i guess its a win-win situation. cause we can really learn more from each other. he is better than i am at coding. sigh. its hard to find people to study together. cause most people can't study outside. whereas i. i can't study at home, i tend to be distracted.
hmm. and im meeting jeffrey later. finally! haha.
sorry ina. i kept bugging you yesterday. but i had a great conversation with many of you online. haha. loveloves.
takecare. love my blog? yes no? TAG! haha . byee.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
GIRLS DAY OUT AT EAST COAST PARK.
FUN&ENJOYABLE
i didn't take pictures using my phone. the pictures are with esther&evelyn. so until they upload the pictures, then i'll upload them here.
i enjoyed myself in the morning meeting up with the cell girls; Chuili, ina, esther, evelyn, peilee and rachel. i really felt that the outing drew me closer with all of them. really glad i joined Shalom and all. Really givethanks for everyone of them.
im kinda upset with waiting. i don't know whether its upset but sometimes i really ask myself, why? its not that im not willing, but too many times really bring me down. yes, i wish to divert my attention and do something more meaningful, and not whine and whine. but, i can't. sadly to say. it is not easy.
evening has turned into night. im tired. of the endless waiting. really. i detest waiting. but i love you. sigh. but does that means im gonna wait even more?
i really don't know.
sigh. the conclusion is: im still waiting.
&in order to do something meaningful, i'll revamp the cell blog. i'll revamp my own blog. but tonight i shall start with the picture gallery first.
so...
byee.
(:
Sunday, February 18, 2007
THE RAINBOW IS OUT;
i came in to blog about the goodness of God and its 12.32am right now.
as i was crying bout everything that had happened. i asked God to be with me. to be my tower of refuge. to be my comfort and let me seek Him as my shelter.
such a short prayer said. but nevertheless, i felt his presence there with me.
and tears cleared. and everything began to turn for the better.
thank God.
really amazed. the whole day where i choose to not seek God and continue hurting. i can actually just turn to God and make myself feel so much better.
i have to apologize to darling. but he said "remember what is love" and i feel so touched through the whole conversation that i had the urge to run to his house just 10 streets away. i really am grateful for a guy like him.
yes. and i decided to upload valentine's pictures. ((:
REMEMBER WHAT IS LOVE.
i came in to blog about the goodness of God and its 12.32am right now.
as i was crying bout everything that had happened. i asked God to be with me. to be my tower of refuge. to be my comfort and let me seek Him as my shelter.
such a short prayer said. but nevertheless, i felt his presence there with me.
and tears cleared. and everything began to turn for the better.
thank God.
really amazed. the whole day where i choose to not seek God and continue hurting. i can actually just turn to God and make myself feel so much better.
i have to apologize to darling. but he said "remember what is love" and i feel so touched through the whole conversation that i had the urge to run to his house just 10 streets away. i really am grateful for a guy like him.
yes. and i decided to upload valentine's pictures. ((:
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Chinese New Year Eve.
im exhausted. imagine having to spring clean from 9am to 5pm. tell me how you would feel. my arms are ready to drop off any moment. and issues in the heart, in the mind is not making me feel any better.
need a person to talk to. at least someone that i can really share with. and i prayed yesterday; Father, please give me someone to talk to. Amen. But, none appeared. i was alone at home yesterday. crying and crying; non-stop. i haven't broke down for ages. but the projects, the stress got into me. and my hormones are weird. i get emotional nowadays. at least, the three whole weeks of not-enough-sleep-doing-projects are gone. two more final exam papers. and i'll be looking forward to shanghai with kian hwee ((:
rocks.
reunion dinner does not interest me a single bit. i dislike eating meat. and everything presented on the table are meat. sigh. my appetite has gone haywire. for at least 2 weeks already, i've not been eating well. i even gone without food the whole of yesterday. i wanted to eat dinner. but i was too depressed. and i went to sleep instead.
you&i; we've drifted so far apart. without even realizing.
you&i; we've been too busy in the midst of our own life, that we had forgotten each other.
can i continue what's in my heart now?
broken-ness. i feel sorrow. pain deep within. i wanted to talk to CL. but she had to go offline. i know its okay. God wants me to seek Him.
but Father, you know it all. you see everything that i been through. frustrations i have poured out at you all the while. why me? i always ask. and i still am asking "WHY ME?" of all people in the world, that are the same age as me; EIGHTEEN. why me?
i fall again and again. i pick myself up bravely. and i trust, i love, i rely. but WHY? why had i fell again and again? i don't want to trust anymore. i don't want to rely anymore. but i don't think i can not want to love. i really don't want to get hurt anymore.
im vulnerable enough. and please, don't let me get hurt anymore.
haven't i been disciplined enough already? have i not been disciplined more than other people? Father, then what must i do now? what should i do? i've never felt this lonely. but i do now.
let me just trust in you, Father. and no one else. let me just learn to seek you. seek you and not humans. teach me how to rely on you and not on humans.
teach me to be more like Jesus. and not care bout the worldly-humans.
i just want to be under your wings. in your embrace. and be my tower, refuge and comfort.
pour out your love onto me, because i need it so much.
show me your love, show me your Grace. please.
those words from your mouth yesterday had driven me back to the darkest corner. i don't seem to able to smile right now anymore.
loves,
qiqi.
im exhausted. imagine having to spring clean from 9am to 5pm. tell me how you would feel. my arms are ready to drop off any moment. and issues in the heart, in the mind is not making me feel any better.
need a person to talk to. at least someone that i can really share with. and i prayed yesterday; Father, please give me someone to talk to. Amen. But, none appeared. i was alone at home yesterday. crying and crying; non-stop. i haven't broke down for ages. but the projects, the stress got into me. and my hormones are weird. i get emotional nowadays. at least, the three whole weeks of not-enough-sleep-doing-projects are gone. two more final exam papers. and i'll be looking forward to shanghai with kian hwee ((:
rocks.
reunion dinner does not interest me a single bit. i dislike eating meat. and everything presented on the table are meat. sigh. my appetite has gone haywire. for at least 2 weeks already, i've not been eating well. i even gone without food the whole of yesterday. i wanted to eat dinner. but i was too depressed. and i went to sleep instead.
you&i; we've drifted so far apart. without even realizing.
you&i; we've been too busy in the midst of our own life, that we had forgotten each other.
can i continue what's in my heart now?
broken-ness. i feel sorrow. pain deep within. i wanted to talk to CL. but she had to go offline. i know its okay. God wants me to seek Him.
but Father, you know it all. you see everything that i been through. frustrations i have poured out at you all the while. why me? i always ask. and i still am asking "WHY ME?" of all people in the world, that are the same age as me; EIGHTEEN. why me?
i fall again and again. i pick myself up bravely. and i trust, i love, i rely. but WHY? why had i fell again and again? i don't want to trust anymore. i don't want to rely anymore. but i don't think i can not want to love. i really don't want to get hurt anymore.
im vulnerable enough. and please, don't let me get hurt anymore.
haven't i been disciplined enough already? have i not been disciplined more than other people? Father, then what must i do now? what should i do? i've never felt this lonely. but i do now.
let me just trust in you, Father. and no one else. let me just learn to seek you. seek you and not humans. teach me how to rely on you and not on humans.
teach me to be more like Jesus. and not care bout the worldly-humans.
i just want to be under your wings. in your embrace. and be my tower, refuge and comfort.
pour out your love onto me, because i need it so much.
show me your love, show me your Grace. please.
those words from your mouth yesterday had driven me back to the darkest corner. i don't seem to able to smile right now anymore.
loves,
qiqi.
Friday, February 16, 2007
hurts terribly.
im lost. so lost in my own world.
i see darkness. again. and again.
tell me how to trust; when trust will only get you more hurts?
tell me how to rely? when reliance will only bring you more and more disappointment?
lesson learnt
1) humans will fail you, God will not
2) Don't trust easily. it'll only bring you more damage.
who am i to blame? who can i blame to make myself feel better? what can i do?
i really don't know.
disappointed.
im lost. so lost in my own world.
i see darkness. again. and again.
tell me how to trust; when trust will only get you more hurts?
tell me how to rely? when reliance will only bring you more and more disappointment?
lesson learnt
1) humans will fail you, God will not
2) Don't trust easily. it'll only bring you more damage.
who am i to blame? who can i blame to make myself feel better? what can i do?
i really don't know.
disappointed.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
here to blog once more.
well, thank God ! my wbat group got an A for our milestone 1. God has been really faithful to me. A for my wbat report, and A for my milestone 1. seriously, i feel so happy.
this semester everything went well. im gonna give my best for csad tonight! whoohoo.
chinese new year is just round the corner. hmm. ang baos are all i can think off.
well, presentation today went well. rocks.
its a short entry. time to retire to my room to start on my csad. God bless me with wisdom!
loveloves.
p.s treasure your love ones, because you don't know when they will just leave. hold them tight.
lynette once told me. if in a r/s, both parties do not hold on to the r/s anymore, there is nothing left. so one side must always hold on tightly. do not release. i love jeffrey more than any of you can imagine. love him too much. fallen in love too deeply. by God's grace.
really. by God's grace.
btw, i decided not to end the entry yet. because. TMR's the last day with all the fantastic classmates.
im glad i know each and everyone of you;
Lynette, Stephanie, Yusrin, Perline, Rabbiah, Siti, Yemin, Ling Yan, PeiShan, GuoSheng. really grateful. God has blessed me with such wonderful people. our joy and laughter. As for lynette, thankyou for all the encouraging words in this semester. you're a great joy in life. (((:
love you all.
loveloves.
well, thank God ! my wbat group got an A for our milestone 1. God has been really faithful to me. A for my wbat report, and A for my milestone 1. seriously, i feel so happy.
this semester everything went well. im gonna give my best for csad tonight! whoohoo.
chinese new year is just round the corner. hmm. ang baos are all i can think off.
well, presentation today went well. rocks.
its a short entry. time to retire to my room to start on my csad. God bless me with wisdom!
loveloves.
p.s treasure your love ones, because you don't know when they will just leave. hold them tight.
lynette once told me. if in a r/s, both parties do not hold on to the r/s anymore, there is nothing left. so one side must always hold on tightly. do not release. i love jeffrey more than any of you can imagine. love him too much. fallen in love too deeply. by God's grace.
really. by God's grace.
btw, i decided not to end the entry yet. because. TMR's the last day with all the fantastic classmates.
im glad i know each and everyone of you;
Lynette, Stephanie, Yusrin, Perline, Rabbiah, Siti, Yemin, Ling Yan, PeiShan, GuoSheng. really grateful. God has blessed me with such wonderful people. our joy and laughter. As for lynette, thankyou for all the encouraging words in this semester. you're a great joy in life. (((:
love you all.
loveloves.
happy valentines
yesterday was awesome. apart from going to school and all. hahas. if you want to know what happened yesterday, free to msn me. and maybe i might reply. hhaha.
well. thankyou jeffrey for the surprises that came one by one. enjoyed myself.(:
well, actually i wasn't feeling well yesterday. when i came home, i couldn't walk properly. my head was aching really a lot. i mean a lot. i almost fainted. so i quickly wash up and went to bed. and then i think i lost my conciousness very very soon. my mom ask me whether i want to go see a doctor. i said no. let me rest.
well, she said i was feeling very cold. hmm. why don't i remember any of this? no wonder i didn't seem to be in a superb mood yesterday. i was suffering for that headache since morning in school. i wonder why.
sigh. i felt like i spoiled the day. but then again, i think he really enjoyed himself. hah.
today is my presentation! wearing formal to school . sigh. such a chore. ))): having to bun my hair. SIGH.
ohoh! i baked cookies and muffins for darling. and i only have the muffin pictures. shall post up. and also the awesome pink roses. ((:
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Saturday, February 10, 2007
went jogging 1.5km again today.
hopefully i'll lose the excess fats in me if i continue jogging everyday. ahhas.
i can say i really love the feeling after exercising. its so wonderful. stress-free.
haha. today choir practice was good. the lyrics touched my heart. but then, i was very very tired. its quite tiring to keep singing S2 all the while. really exhausted after the whole practice.
the after-practice was really amusing. because stella wore blue last week while the color code was yellow,orange. haha. and she was super out lah. then dorcas was like. the color code for tmr is beige, cream, brown. and she was like no purple, no blue okay! and she started. beige as in b-e-i-g-e, cream as in C-r-e-a-m. and she wrote it on a piece of paper.
haha. super funny. then stella answered. yes teacher. -.-
after choir, went to eat with james, stella, joanne. nice talking to them. ((: then i went to block 418 to look for jeffrey. but then i only got to see him less than 10 seconds. i waited around, then decided to head back home instead, because i was really tired, plus the weather was awfully hot. besides i still have finance test to prepare for.
im left wth two more topics! and i gotta complete these 2 topics by tonight. tmr there won't be time for me to study at all. sigh. so much stuff to be done.
okay! im gonna stop bloggin. i really am looking forward to tmr.
i really find it very tough not to see darling for a few days. its just so difficult. )))):
sigh.
i feel the ache in my heart time and time again. but i'll overcome everything!
really, i will.
loves.
hopefully i'll lose the excess fats in me if i continue jogging everyday. ahhas.
i can say i really love the feeling after exercising. its so wonderful. stress-free.
haha. today choir practice was good. the lyrics touched my heart. but then, i was very very tired. its quite tiring to keep singing S2 all the while. really exhausted after the whole practice.
the after-practice was really amusing. because stella wore blue last week while the color code was yellow,orange. haha. and she was super out lah. then dorcas was like. the color code for tmr is beige, cream, brown. and she was like no purple, no blue okay! and she started. beige as in b-e-i-g-e, cream as in C-r-e-a-m. and she wrote it on a piece of paper.
haha. super funny. then stella answered. yes teacher. -.-
after choir, went to eat with james, stella, joanne. nice talking to them. ((: then i went to block 418 to look for jeffrey. but then i only got to see him less than 10 seconds. i waited around, then decided to head back home instead, because i was really tired, plus the weather was awfully hot. besides i still have finance test to prepare for.
im left wth two more topics! and i gotta complete these 2 topics by tonight. tmr there won't be time for me to study at all. sigh. so much stuff to be done.
okay! im gonna stop bloggin. i really am looking forward to tmr.
i really find it very tough not to see darling for a few days. its just so difficult. )))):
sigh.
i feel the ache in my heart time and time again. but i'll overcome everything!
really, i will.
loves.
Friday, February 09, 2007
i am sick. so i took this photo to prove im not lying. i look sick? yes, no? sigh.
posting this. because i miss boyfriend. the day i took this photo was after CSAD submission, when i was feeling really down because of the project. and darling said he'll bring me go have something nice to eat. and we went hongkong cafe at Siglap. really enjoyed the moment i have with you, baby. (:
can you believe the spag top is from Espirt and it only costed me 5 bucks? hahas. now you know. and i really love that top a lot. besides, if you don't belong to the same school as me, you'll realised i've become tanned. just by one hour of swimming. i hate tan skins. sigh. it'll take me VERY long to turn fair again. well, i really love sports. so i've no choice. ))):.jpg)
taken before choir on Sunday. i love the star earrings. but it broke just after wearing once. ))):
since jeffrey doesn't come my blog unless i ask him to. i shall show you this. this is the valentine gift i prepared for him. you know, jeffrey's the only guy that can make me do a lot of things for him. he is just so special to me. i think ina knows that already. i never felt so loved in my life. and i really thank God. there was just once after that awful breakup. i ask God, "would you let me experienced real love? in chinese, its called hong hong lie lie de ai" and God just presented Jeffrey in front of me naturally. and when i ask God again, "is jeffrey the guy for me, someone i can spend my life with?" God replied me. He showed me the sign i asked for. and i know God is faithful. He has shown me grace. I really have no idea how to thank God but to really offer my life to Him. just like the song by don moen. "What can i do but thankyou, what can i do but give my life to you" so true indeed.right. so enough of all these. enough of the pictures.
this semester i've been facing plenty of problems. i've became vulnerable to certain stuff. and i know this is another trial for me. and i givethanks for all these. because it'll be a growing process for me.
this the first time i feel the hopelessness in me during projects. CSAD, has drain me of my energy leaving me weak. But what i can really give thanks for is the choir that comes during weekend. worshipping God returns me all my strength and energy that i've lost. refreshes me to start afresh in school each week. well, i've been tearing at my ability. somehow, no matter how much i try, how much effort i put in, into my assignments, it is too difficult.
like during the briefing today, the lecturer said, "IT is the most difficult course in IT school, in TP, and among all the polys" and yes, i agree with that.
the workload is more than we can really endure. the knowledge we've in our head might not be sufficient for our requirement specs and deliverables. it really takes a lot of logic to get things done. your coding foundation must be strong. and that really matters.
i've gone crazy. gone to the stage of giving up. quitting school. but i ask myself, "is it worthwhile?" the answer eventually is no.
and since i've decided to go NIE after i graduate. to be a chinese teacher, i shall strive harder to complete my IT studies. well, this semester is indeed a test to me.
just a few days after that conversation with jeffrey, i broke down immediately. not because we quarrelled - in fact through this 5 months together, we had never quarrelled, not even once. well, i cried because both of us were far too busy. the days we could meet were so limited. but i know for God, i'll endure everything. and because i was busy, i seem really tired at times, thus things said might be a little insensitive.
i just miss him so much. that i cried horribly. i rang lynette up. and started crying. and i haven't really cried that badly for really ages. and i cried out. all the burdens in me. all the unfairness in the world. and i cried for at least 1 hour plus. :x
and after that 1 hour plus, my eyes were just so swollen. and red. and i felt even more tired.
but after i broke down, i realised that i should just trust in the Lord. although there are times, when you really feel like blaming something, someone for all the unhappiness that happens. but still, who can you really blame? and if you can find someone to blame, what makes u think you've the right to blame?
so i got it. because of school work, my walk with God has really become distant. and i need to find that special and close relationship back with God. because overall, God is the only one who can really carry me through everything. well, people says i have the knowledge in my head but no application. so many refuse to give me advices, because it'll be a waste of breath. oh. and i totally agree with that.
well. i'll start building that r/s back with God.
really give thanks for jeffrey&ina; The two closest people who'll always support me.
really thank you.
loves.
its a pretty long entry. (:
disappointed at myself; my weakness. everything.
this semester has been testing me to the extreme. i wonder what's the purpose of everything right now. i feel tired. really exhausted. and i want to give up right now. i don't understand how ina can just feel happy even when the projects are piling upon her. but now i sorta understood. if you have the brains, your effort will pay off .
but if you are just stupid like me, no matter how much time you spent on your projects, you'll not see results. WHY? because you're just too dumb.
trying to figure out how to make this, make that work is really dumb. and now.. i've to resubmit my program again! sigh. the world is unfair. really.
im struggling. and i feel like im becoming more and more of the world again.
I've to really seek God all the time. not only when situations occur, but still, i give thanks, that i am able to have a second chance to complete my project. but i pray that God will actually bless me with more knowledge and wisdom!
loves,
chechi.
this semester has been testing me to the extreme. i wonder what's the purpose of everything right now. i feel tired. really exhausted. and i want to give up right now. i don't understand how ina can just feel happy even when the projects are piling upon her. but now i sorta understood. if you have the brains, your effort will pay off .
but if you are just stupid like me, no matter how much time you spent on your projects, you'll not see results. WHY? because you're just too dumb.
trying to figure out how to make this, make that work is really dumb. and now.. i've to resubmit my program again! sigh. the world is unfair. really.
im struggling. and i feel like im becoming more and more of the world again.
I've to really seek God all the time. not only when situations occur, but still, i give thanks, that i am able to have a second chance to complete my project. but i pray that God will actually bless me with more knowledge and wisdom!
loves,
chechi.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
THE FIVE MONTHS SPENT WERE PRECIOUS
Happy 5th month darling. I've had an enjoyable moment spent with you. We may not be able to meet often, but i guess the term "distance makes the heart grow fonder" really works on us. My heart skips a beat whenever i see you. i love your humor, love the serious look on your face during cellgroups. love your weaker side. love to hold you in my embrace when you need me. love the look on your face when your happy or sad. love the amazing one and only laughter of yours. i love everything about you. your strength and weakness means all to me. no one else can ever take over your place deep in my heart. i hold on to our love as strongly, as tightly, as bravely as i could ever done so before. your the most amazing love beside God that i've experienced.
I want you to know, when you feel inferior, when you feel weak. I love you always. and i never look upon you as weak. I love the abilities you have. The way you can make my heart move, that others can't. I will never forget that night at Smash, when i saw the way you lead on stage. And that really touches me the most. I love. I love. i really love you darling.
Happy 5th month darling. I've had an enjoyable moment spent with you. We may not be able to meet often, but i guess the term "distance makes the heart grow fonder" really works on us. My heart skips a beat whenever i see you. i love your humor, love the serious look on your face during cellgroups. love your weaker side. love to hold you in my embrace when you need me. love the look on your face when your happy or sad. love the amazing one and only laughter of yours. i love everything about you. your strength and weakness means all to me. no one else can ever take over your place deep in my heart. i hold on to our love as strongly, as tightly, as bravely as i could ever done so before. your the most amazing love beside God that i've experienced.
I want you to know, when you feel inferior, when you feel weak. I love you always. and i never look upon you as weak. I love the abilities you have. The way you can make my heart move, that others can't. I will never forget that night at Smash, when i saw the way you lead on stage. And that really touches me the most. I love. I love. i really love you darling.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
sitting in creative writing lesson now. listening to my classmates sharing their part of the stories they have written. and of course, i had shared mine. and almost ended up in tears. really tried my best to be brave and not tear. somehow just stuck me.
bad. i miss boyfriend.
random:
Sean just said. "i'm not drunk, i just can't walk in a straight line"
LOL.
im mad. just very bored. and tonight WBAT to be done.
(((:
valentine's coming. LOVERS ! lols.
bye
bad. i miss boyfriend.
random:
Sean just said. "i'm not drunk, i just can't walk in a straight line"
LOL.
im mad. just very bored. and tonight WBAT to be done.
(((:
valentine's coming. LOVERS ! lols.
bye
you came from heaven to earth
to show the way.
from the earth to the cross,
my debt to pay.
from the cross to the grave,
from the grave to the sky.
Lord i lift your name on high.
recently, i got hold of a few songs from jeffrey. and i've been listening to them really often. the lyrics in the songs really touches my heart all the time. Each time, i listen to them, i just feel a tug at my heart. even on the bus, i feel like worshipping aloud. really awesome. that kind of feeling.
im ready to leave home to go school very soon. haha. im really not in a mood to go school at all.
cause its basically just handing in my story and doing a rough presentation bout the story.
and i need to spend money on printing. and risk my thumbdrive getting infected with the stupid virus that is spreading.
im missing that boy just so much. major part of me really desire for the moment to come where i can spend all my time with him. he is just too important to me.
you know, when i was reading Genesis, and the part bout Issac(im not sure if its issac or ____ and Rachel? well, the student bible asked, if you were to lose the most important person, what will you do? seriously speaking, if i were to lose the important person in my life. i might lose the will to live anymore.
because too many has left me. and each time i've been left weak and exhausted. i know this is not how i should react because God gave me life. but the future is hard to predict. and i always pray that God will not let me face death of other people who are close to me. but i know one day i will. and im really afraid i'll go crazy. so for the sake of my selfishness. don't ever leave me. i'll never be able to take the blow.
-.- SIGH. i better pass the HQ to SIMON! i keep forgetting SIGH. and Simon must do his QT!!! slaps me.
bye.
love
to show the way.
from the earth to the cross,
my debt to pay.
from the cross to the grave,
from the grave to the sky.
Lord i lift your name on high.
recently, i got hold of a few songs from jeffrey. and i've been listening to them really often. the lyrics in the songs really touches my heart all the time. Each time, i listen to them, i just feel a tug at my heart. even on the bus, i feel like worshipping aloud. really awesome. that kind of feeling.
im ready to leave home to go school very soon. haha. im really not in a mood to go school at all.
cause its basically just handing in my story and doing a rough presentation bout the story.
and i need to spend money on printing. and risk my thumbdrive getting infected with the stupid virus that is spreading.
im missing that boy just so much. major part of me really desire for the moment to come where i can spend all my time with him. he is just too important to me.
you know, when i was reading Genesis, and the part bout Issac(im not sure if its issac or ____ and Rachel? well, the student bible asked, if you were to lose the most important person, what will you do? seriously speaking, if i were to lose the important person in my life. i might lose the will to live anymore.
because too many has left me. and each time i've been left weak and exhausted. i know this is not how i should react because God gave me life. but the future is hard to predict. and i always pray that God will not let me face death of other people who are close to me. but i know one day i will. and im really afraid i'll go crazy. so for the sake of my selfishness. don't ever leave me. i'll never be able to take the blow.
-.- SIGH. i better pass the HQ to SIMON! i keep forgetting SIGH. and Simon must do his QT!!! slaps me.
bye.
love
Sunday, February 04, 2007
i love you baby.
i can never get enough of you. that one hour just flew so fast. that i had no feeling. and i felt so upset that we gotta say goodbye again. i miss you so much.
when can i see you everyday.
ina, your right. the long strip of letter. yes. i know. right now instead of thinking bout what i might not be able to do in the future. bout how miserable and tough the journey will be, i should just stay by his side and give him the support he needs along the way. even when the time spent together will be lesser. i love you ina. (((: LOVES!
haha.
today i was so tired. choir really wear me out at times. yes i love worshipping God. i feel so blessed when i see the congregation singing their heart out just for God. i feel so touched. but i get really tired. maybe i should request not to sing twice a month. especially when i get busier. but for now, i'll still do my best and be committed in serving God. because that is what that really makes him happy. i'll be a faithful servant of the Lord.
yay! haha. the rainbow just came out after the rain. okay. its an analogy to say that im feeling happier now.
tonight im gonna discuss with my mom smth. and i hope God will help me in it. im gonna make some agreement with the family.
from now on. the housework shall be shared. everyone will cleaned their own room. its none of my business if its dirty. because the house is not mine alone.
im not requesting that much. im just sick and tired.
i got my work to do too. and its not fair. that i've to do the housework all the time.
besides although im splitting. im still doing most of the work. the living room, and my room is my responsibility.
God, please make everything work out. please provide for me. thankyou. Amen.
lovelve. i gotta start doing my WBAT and creative writing design!
haha. one more week of projects. YAY!
your hand lifted me up
and stand on higher ground
your grace rose in my heart
(((:
-this is how we overcome
i can never get enough of you. that one hour just flew so fast. that i had no feeling. and i felt so upset that we gotta say goodbye again. i miss you so much.
when can i see you everyday.
ina, your right. the long strip of letter. yes. i know. right now instead of thinking bout what i might not be able to do in the future. bout how miserable and tough the journey will be, i should just stay by his side and give him the support he needs along the way. even when the time spent together will be lesser. i love you ina. (((: LOVES!
haha.
today i was so tired. choir really wear me out at times. yes i love worshipping God. i feel so blessed when i see the congregation singing their heart out just for God. i feel so touched. but i get really tired. maybe i should request not to sing twice a month. especially when i get busier. but for now, i'll still do my best and be committed in serving God. because that is what that really makes him happy. i'll be a faithful servant of the Lord.
yay! haha. the rainbow just came out after the rain. okay. its an analogy to say that im feeling happier now.
tonight im gonna discuss with my mom smth. and i hope God will help me in it. im gonna make some agreement with the family.
from now on. the housework shall be shared. everyone will cleaned their own room. its none of my business if its dirty. because the house is not mine alone.
im not requesting that much. im just sick and tired.
i got my work to do too. and its not fair. that i've to do the housework all the time.
besides although im splitting. im still doing most of the work. the living room, and my room is my responsibility.
God, please make everything work out. please provide for me. thankyou. Amen.
lovelve. i gotta start doing my WBAT and creative writing design!
haha. one more week of projects. YAY!
your hand lifted me up
and stand on higher ground
your grace rose in my heart
(((:
-this is how we overcome
Friday, February 02, 2007
im hurting out of anger. out of distress.
i don't know. so much stuff that i can never say here. but keep in me.
whole heart is about to burst. burst out of anger.
much anger raging in me.
sigh no one will know how i feel now. because its frustrating.
go. leave me alone.
everyone.
telling myself that God is with me. doesn't seem to work. Just where are You?
sigh.
tired.
bye
i don't know. so much stuff that i can never say here. but keep in me.
whole heart is about to burst. burst out of anger.
much anger raging in me.
sigh no one will know how i feel now. because its frustrating.
go. leave me alone.
everyone.
telling myself that God is with me. doesn't seem to work. Just where are You?
sigh.
tired.
bye
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