projects. projects & more projects.

i've tried starting on csad. i mean my group is done with the G.U.I and all. but then the coding. i really don't understand how to do? I have alot of retrieving from the db. SIGH.

I am waiting for lynette to be back from Taiwan. so that i have at least an idea on how to start. SIGH.
and then the fyp proposal. I need them also. Because we are in the same group
there are really much thing to be done. and the hols are almost over.
I really haven't been pushing myself hard enough.

Im sick now. i fell sick again! after six months. lols. its somehow. like finally? LOLs.
im only blogging a short entry.
hahhaas. bleah.
that boy is busy again. nvm. me too. lols

byeeee.

why am i so negative in my recent entries? i cannot understand the reason why.
im truely very tired.
im truely afraid of trying.
i truely hate this feeling.
and who can understand what i am going through?

you may show me facts that others are suffering more.
but can you lend a listening ear to me instead of telling me?
can you listen for once to my pains.

can you help me ease the missing of someone?
can you help me?

three consecutive days. i have been holding on to this burden in me. leting my tears flow endlessly. yet i have been puting up such a brave front. But deep within. i know how much i may not be able to take it anymore.
i held on. when i heard the sermon on Sunday. i was so touched.
and i want to work even harder but it is so difficult.

i am beginning to hate. to have anger in me. and i hate this kind of feeling in me.

Father, would you help me get pass all these?

can i not look at my mother anymore.
can i be wilful and lead my own life the way i want?
can i stop trying to please every single one around me? I AM TIRED OF PLEASING ALMOST EVERYONE. IM TIRED OF BEING SOMEONE that is weak.

show me the way out. even if there is no one for me to really lean on. can i lean on you? i just need some assurance once more. how to set my heart right again? how do i set my heart right for you and the people around me again ?

how do i stop being negative. and just smile happily?

to be really honest, no matter how much i try to deny. to live in denial, the reality is always there. no matter how much i try to tell myself, my past is NOTHING. but the reality shows it all.

i'll take some time off to be by myself. and set my heart right for everyone.
bye.

Dear Gracious Father,
today is christmas. but i am in an unpeaceful state. i feel the rage in me. i feel the need to pour out everything. i feel the tears in my eyes. i want to be happy during christmas. Because Jesus is born to save me. save the world. but why do i feel such resentment and bitterness in me. Why is it that i feel no one is around to talk to me? why do i sense loneliness in my heart?
this christmas, all i want is a good relationship with my mother. because of the war that is waging in me, i have no peace. Father, please take away all these bitterness in me. that i may be strong and fulfill my mother's expectation of a wonderful daughter.
in Jesus's name i pray, Amen.


i know its christmas. i know i sound really down. crying&all. but i feel really bad inside.
i love my mother. But because i love her; the things that she says become smth that really pierce my heart so much. I don't mind doing the housework. But she gotta understand that i have plenty of work to do. I don't go out and play all the time. I have school. I have a part-time job. i feel like running away from home.

im hurt. im tired. im in pain.
so Jesus, take all these away from me.
SIGH.

relationships are the most fragile things in the world.
but. im not gonna escape from all these obstacles. im gonna walk through it. because i have faith in God. He'll pull me through everything!

okay. christmas outreach was fantastic last night. Simon came. and i am so proud of him. that he finally made the first step back. and im really glad he enjoyed the whole outreach.
He said all of us are friendly and really nice people. hurray shalom!
(((:
im glad.

hahas.
i won't go into details. because im tired.
and ina. im not gonna explain bout what happen when i was blindfolded. HAHA. byeeee.

How can i leave you when i've fallen so deeply in love with you.
i'll never leave you. because you are my everything. God-sent. a gift from God to me. you are fantastic. the right guy that i ever want. your my most precious gift. the best christmas gift i could ever had. you never fail to make me smile. you never fail to make me feel love. because of you; i can smile by my own so foolishly. but also because of you; i enjoy smiling so much. you make my heart melt all the time. even when we seem so far apart and don't have much time together, i still feel your love always and always. our hearts can feel each other's. ((((: i love you baby.

hmm.
today i met ina. went to bugis together. i bought a "jumper" that i am not so in love with. haha. but then again. it prolly looks nice. i don't know. and i guess it was a wrong decision. i spent 80 bucks in a day. but i don't remember exactly how. :x i returned ina money. bought the christmas present for cell. had lunch. top up my farecard and bought that jumper.

hmm. money come, money goes. but its okay. money can be earned again. but now. cellgroup dinner money HOW ?! hahahs. next week im gonna work again and get my PAY. hahas.
Simon off his handphone. SIGH. i pray hard that he'll come for christmas outreach tmr. SIGH. you better come!

i miss my boy. so much. right now.
hahas. the thought bout him always make me smile. lovelovelove.

hahas. tmr ina and peilee gonna get baptized! hahas. i'll be going for 1st service.hmm.
ina.
2nd baptism; any thoughts or comments ? lols . letmme hear it. (((:
monday is christmas; but i'll be spending that day to complete cmsk report and journal writing or maybe swen requirements specs. then tues - fri will be spent on coding CSAD. sigh. its a dread. :((((
but i can do it! hahahas.

im gonna stop blogging. need to catcvh some sleep. though i don't feel like sleeping yet. but i have to sleep 8 hours or not. i'll be so moody. hahahas.
takecare. (((:
loveloves.

and

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE(((:
REMEMBER JESUS ALWAYS.
AND HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. OHKAY?!

LOVES

give thanks for the christmas season (:

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because
He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
(repeat)

And now let the weak say, 'I am strong'
Let the poor say, 'I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us'
(repeat)

a song that touches my heart. and makes me want to just continue giving thanks for every single event that happened in my life.
so what are you waiting for? give thanks (:

i am feeling very sick now as im blogging. sigh. i pray that God will protect me and not let me fall even more sick. have to work tmr. and christmas is around the corner.

the year is coming to the end, how will you rate your whole year then ?

A-Very Good, B-Good enough, C-just the same, D-lousier than ever.

for me, i'll rate it A-Very Good. This has been the most eventful year. The year which i have felt the most extreme ups and downs. the year which i have seen myself nurtured and grown.
God's presence in my life made me changed from the inside out.
Will you people who i once knew be surprised to see the change in me? or would you all still say its all an act? well. i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

In the first half year. I have been neither here nor there. Everything seem to be stuck, like a tape not being able to play. But when i finally could move on, the tape started playing really smoothly. that is because God has came into my life again. This time He came in, differently like the previous. All these events, made everything that had happened seem to be with a purpose. A purpose to make me come back to God wholeheartedly, with my own will.

i remember that moment when i ended it all; i picked up the phone and dialled ina's number. i said. "Ina, i want to come back church." with just this sentence that came out of my mouth, the Holy Spirit had started working in me once more.
The extreme downs that i had been through are blessings in disguise. that i can boldly speak of now.

I love to reflect on what has happened in my life. Because through these reflections, i come to know more about my self.
For the first six months , i have been selfish, materialistic, hot-tempered, with hatred in my heart. I have been the worse person anyone could have met.
But for the next six months, i have been the total opposite from what i have been before. from materialism, i have become in a way, that i care for no more riches. no more nice clothes, no more popularity. all these seem to have been taken away by God. i have been forgiving and patient. and i have never been like that before.
I have forgived the people i needed to forgive. I have learnt to curb my temper.

God has been reminding me once and once again, to humble myself. Especially when i am serving in Choir. It takes alot of effort to really humble yourself. When i meet annoying people, the usual me will tend to just ignore and speak behind that person's back. I confess, i still do that nowadays. but rarely. even so, i still need to learn. to change.

I am proud of the way i have change with God's strength. And suddenly i remember telling Perline this: "you cannot change your character yourself, only with God's strength and power then you'll be able to change." I don't know to others, is this true. But to me, i felt this way. one year back then, i had a group of people around me who kept telling me to change. "Qiqi, you must change." everywhere i went, people told me my attitude was bad. people told me they didn't like me at times. because i am selfish.

Back then, i kept asking myself. What have i done wrong? what do i need to change. I tried my best. I tried to change. I spoke lesser. I didn't make the decisions anymore. I let the others do. I gave in again and again. Until one day i broke down and cried " i can't change! i can't "
and i left things dangling on that way.

When i have came back to church. I did not need to tell myself I want to change. I did not try to change. But God changed me. Through the scriptures, through people, through the sermon. God changed my heart deep from within. I could no longer find myself flaring up. I could no longer find myself having hatred in me. I could no longer tick off people when ever i want.
Praise God.

The way God has work in me, others may not see. But i see it. and i feel it. i remember jeffrey and i were talking bout personalities. Each bird represent a different personality. When he told me i was a dove. I was really amazed.
Me a dove ? How can it be. But i realised personality do change. And i have changed.

From the mouth that curses all day, my mouth now sing praises of the Lord. And determined not to curse anymore. How can i give my testimony to people around me?
How can i teach people to trust God in the hard times?
How can i relate to everyone using my past? i have fell down and down many many times, But i always have the most amazing people beside me who pull me up. No matter, how deep i fell in, how hard i fell, i always manage to pick myself up.

No doubt. Whenever i start dwelling in the past, the pain comes in. I still cry. I still tell God, i want to see them so much. I want my parents, my family back. I tell God i envy families. I tell God this is not fair. Why must i go through so much, when most can just lead their life normally? I cry out all the time to God. But each time i cry out, God reassure me. Each time, i feel a certain tingle in my heart. A warmth that slowly fills my body. A love that feels the emptiness. And the words will ring in my heart " God loves u."

God is good all the time. And all the time God is good. This i must really say Amen to.
I have never felt God so strongly than ever until this year. I have never experienced God's love as much until this year. I have never prayed that much. have never worshipped that much. have never did my QT that much until this year.
i feel so loved, so wanted in God's arms now.
He gave me the boy that i needed most when i felt like giving up. I asked God, when will i ever experienced the love that i always wanted. And true enough. I met him. I met him, but i was still in doubt. I ask God again, are you sure? he is the one for me? I prayed for a sign.

God showed me the sign. Perline and Lynette said before " How can two people come together, meet in church, love at first sight. and they are both christians? Isn't this God-planned?"
When i think bout this, i smile. I jump for joy. and i exclaim. Thankyou Father for this precious gift You have blessed me with!

Each time i reach out to people, the Holy Spirit works in me non-stop. Amazing words flow out from my mouth. To comfort them. To also remind them that God is always here. And each time a broken heart is in front of me, i feel God calling out to me, go speak to them. They need a listening ear. And i'll just reach out my hand to them.

enough of the reflections. my resolution for year 2007? hmm.

i have just signed up as a volunteer for children's society.
It always had been my dream to help the abandoned children. I have been through what they have gone through. And this time i am able to really give my all and all.
I want to serve God more.
I want to leave heartprints.
I want to have a closer relationship with God.
I want to grow spiritually to a higher level.

i give thanks for the wonderful calling back to Christ.
i give thanks that it is God's calling for me serve in choir.
i give thanks for jeffrey.
i give thanks for Ina who always stood by me.
i give thanks for the wonderful cellgroup.
i give thanks for lynette, perline and stephanie.
i give thanks for the improvement in grades this semester.
i give thanks for the change in my heart.
i give thanks for all the wonderful events that has happened.

And indeed. God is great. He our gracious Father!

thats the end of my entry today. long one (:
loves.

IM TIRED.

hahas.
i have been out every single day. and tmr i just want to stay at home. :x
SIGH. my mom has been nagging every single day. in order to have a good christmas weekend. i have to stay at home tmr. and also do the housework. (((:

i haven't been updating. because im really busy. exams are finally over. and im mid into the holidays already. and i have not started on any of my school work. so im really dead. next week i'll be rushing alot. hmm.

i won't be bloging long entry. so yah. i just update for the sake of it huh.
im going to bed soon. hahas.
i have been so tired doing christmas cards. a whole lot of 41 cards. ))): and im not even half through. sigh.

gotta go.
loveloves.

i miss my boy.
and yes. i love him alot.

well. i know i haven't been blogging.

i really seldom have the time to do that. maybe soon. after term-test.

i have been really busy. doing all kinds of assignment. i seriously mean all-kinds. i had to rush my creative writing journal, my UIR portfolio, my WBAT webpages + coding, study for cmsk reference TEST. and i had to even start thinking on how to do CSAD forms and coding.

Not only that. on 5th janaury. which means immediately after my term break.

i have a few submissions. like my creative writing 7 more entries. my CSAD project about some airline system, my UIR portfolio part 2. i think there's more to come.

i already lost track of what to hand in. SIGH. i can't work for the whole two weeks. seem like i'll continue working for David. then i'll have time to work in the evening for all my submissions. lucky people who are going overseas. I really pray hard that God will show me favor this semester. although im piling with projects, but i really had a good time learning new stuff.

And it seems like i have been doing rather well too. i hope to continue this way. Really.

and i want to do well for every project on hand. i want to at least pull my GPA to 2.0. I know its hard. But i always felt that nothing is impossible. with my effort and God's favor. I know i can do it. yah.

and Happy Birthday INA and Kaiyan !

hmmm. both of you have grown older. i can't think of anything to say. But do well in school. Study hard. (: and All the best. (((:

and specially for INA: cure your laziness. ((: be more disciplined in work OHKAY! and i hope you'll get a good major project GROUP. and they will push you and make you learn not to be lazy! hahas. love you bestfriend (:

a lot of events happened every here and now. But im really tired. i'll just upload a few photos. thats all (((:

at his birthday dinner. ((: iloveu.
we were at the cafe again. i tell you we took 17 shots altogether.
((((:
jeff's sister; julianna. ((:

hmm. classmates. (: love them to bits. sorry steph&perline. ure not in this one. hahas. (((:

tadah. thats all. my wbat project is coded. can be build successfully and tested successfully. But there are illogical reasoning inside. So will any kind soul help me. YES you. don't look away ar. call my PHONE now! hahahaha.

loves,

chechi.