BLOG CLOSE

decided to close down the blog. (:

i think, its a wake up call.

i love blogging though. haha. but nvm.

i'll still read all of your blogs!

loves.

i'm so careless with words ):
really.

i don't even mean what i said in my last entry.
oh man, i'm so so sorry if it made you guys misunderstood.
well, from the starting i felt so terrible to be seperated from lynette and timothy. because i thought i'll be able to do even better with them.
but as time really passes, i realized im doing smth that i'm good at. designing web.

its just that until that day, when alan said those stuff. i was kinda taken aback. i didn't know how to react. i felt so useless as a leader. and many many times, i'll just say things or complain and i know it annoys you all. and i just tend to get the feeling im not welcomed. after all, alan and you are close as part-time bfs/gfs. and rooney is alan's friend. get the drift. from the starting, we weren't supposed to be in the same group. but we just were grouped together.

i didnt imagine i would be the leader. but somehow i was just the leader. 3 weeks is just the time that i can drop my burden off my shoulders. i really have no leadership skill and i don't like to lead! haha. i'm really sorry.
just don't misunderstand my words please (:

loves.

oh Lord,
im just a weakling, a nobody who have not learnt how to stand up or to defend myself.
if im going to carry on in this manner, who's ever gonna give me respect in future.
you said to love myself. but is it really possible?
im really angry and hurt this time round.
why when i always decided to make the best out of something, things always have to turn around and give me a slash across my heart?

its not fair to me either.
):




im tired, really tired.
go ahead and report me in that peer evaluation. tell her that im not doing work. just go ahead.
there's a limit that i can take now.
i'm really upset this time round. enough is enough.
don't think that you can walk over my head just because im a weakling.




sigh. ina where are you? i need to rant.
tears just kept rolling just now. and i can't stop it now either.
i hate major project now. ):

God bless me please.

learning to live with it. is crushing me.
learning to live with her, its demoralizing me.
learning to live with my life, im weary.

God, will you save me? will you rescue me?
from all burdens, will you carry me through?

instead of asking will he? its time i start believing that i need not ask. but He'll. because He loves me so much. so so much more than man's love.
heart-breaking.
the sermon today was like millions of arrows pointing towards me. it was as if God was questioning me. i just felt my heart ache. and it ache non-stop.

Lord, what have i done? is this how i want to lead the rest of my life? is this how i really want to live ? i don't. as a matter of fact, i really want to start living joyfully with your joy.

dear has been really sweet today. after the scolding & all. although i was really tearing at all, but the things he does simply made me so so touched.
he said something like, "look towards your future, your future is me. Be strong, don't be so frail. you have to learn to take care of yourself and not let things hurt you."
and the strumming of his guitar, playing worship songs. singing to calm my heart down.
everything, i thankyou. thankyou polar. (:

so at least, i've smth happy to speak bout after this whole day.
seriously, time to wake up from the wallowing in sorrows. because the wounded will end up wounding people. and no, i don't want that to happen. i can't bear to see anyone get hurt because of my ownself.

after my semester end, i'll go look for mandy again i guess. cause i've so much issues to deal with. slowly one by one, i'll get healed. i know it.
that is my goal for now to work towards to.
before i want to make plans for future to reach out to people, i must first be healed.

Lord, this is my inner most desire now.
to be happy. to be healed. to have good family relationships. to be able to live life with joy. to be able to draw closer to you. to be able to reach out to the people in need. to be able to draw people into your kingdom as well.
i pray, you'll give me strength to go through this few weeks, before i seek help again.
Lord, i pray that your presence will always be with me through the loneliness in school, through the emptiness in life, through the hurts im facing, through the burdens im carrying.
Lord carry me through. i know things will turn out well. i still want to give thanks for everything. every situation/scenario i'm in now, i want to thankyou. because through this, once again i experience your faithfulness.
in Jesus's name i pray, Amen

i realized that i've started falling again.
i started to "protect" myself again.
i don't know where im heading to.

but at least, thank God for his presence. (:

went to meet my mp group members today.
had a horrible headache. - must be the lack of sleep & the rain ):
my headache is back now.
sigh

i realized how much im unwilling to share bout stuff now.
because i realized the more you open up, the higher you raise the percentage of getting hurt.
i wish i could stop trying to protect myself and be strong.


but this is my weakness.
God, don't let me fall away from you. because i know im breaking. one wrong step, and i'll be led to doom by the devil. i don't want to fall away from you.
that's my desire. i know i told you to break me, so that i can grow stronger in my faith and in my spiritual walk. but pull me through please. Amen




sorry ina. its not your fault at all. its not that you are unworthy as my friend or something.
its just that, i've difficulty opening up. i cannot accept the fact yet. you might be asking accept what fact, but i'm definitely not gonna post it here. because of ego i guess.
so many things going on in my life, but i always chose to keep it to myself.
that's because i really don't want to rely on human beings now.
the more i trust, the more disappointment i get. can you understand? its my natural reaction to protect my vulnerable self. i may appear strong, but inside im weak. and sometimes i really detest this part of me. many many things are not meant to be shared. because they just can'
t be shared. because even myself, can't understand why such feelings are in me, i can't understand what exactly is happening in my world.
there are still things that i share with you. but those stuff are just stuff that i can share with you or emily or annette. but the inner me, i've not opened the door yet.
not even to jeff, im feeling so apologethic. there's nothing i can do to remove this sickening feeeling in me. the only thing i can do is to apologised.

i've no idea why i've fallen so far away.
to be honestly truthful, i've bitterness in my heart. and i know this will lead to my downfall one day. trying my best, im walking out of it - but sadly to say, not with man's help anymore. i want to try to rely on God totally and not man.

because in future, when man are not there for me, i only have God. i want to try seek God before man. i want to learn.

this is the lesson God is teaching me.
im very very tired & weary. right now, i haven't really found the meaning in life.
i'm very insecure. for the fact that i know, in my life without God, you and jeff.
im reduced to ashes.

i know you'll say we'll be lifetime buddies. A&C partners. and everything. i need to find my faith back.
like i said, the only thing i can say is i'm sorry.


):

imagine this.
going to Mcdonald's at 12am to meet your major project group.
and till 6am, you've been figuring out all kind of ways to set up your SMTP server to send out just ONE email.
and even till 6am, you can't configure the server settings.

then you reach home, you fall asleep. dreaming about how then, can you make the email thing work. you open your eyes at 10am. the first thought in your mind is, how to start configuring
sigh.

now its 1.30pm. still; to no avail



ok. alan just called. my only hope is in school now. i've to reach school by before 3pm.
God bless.


byeee.

so, i haven't blogged for very long
just a short update for you guys out there.

spent my yesterday with ina for sushi. i realized i still didn't share much with her. but nvm. that's not the point. maybe its because things are no longer bothering me.
hmm. spent alot of money ytd. haha. can't remember how much i spent.

i love my boy. (:
haha.
had a lovely night ytd. and we are together for 313 days already (:
52 more days to our lovely first year.
and i really really pray you see the rainbow my darling boy.
for you're the most precious one to me right now.

and i forgot to take pictures again. haha.
won't be seeing him till Sunday again ):
because of major projects. its killing me softly. no la. -.-

so lame can.
byeeee.


stuck in wsad lab doing wsad which we completely have no idea how to.

52 more days to our first year, love

i just thought here's smth meaningful i want to share



sighh. its really so amazing for a girl of 12 years old to come speak up. and this conference was held like 15 years ago?
took it from the liveearth blog. i guess its really a time everyone needs to step out, do their part and save the earth.

i said tmr will be a better day in my last post right?
maybe. maybe not.

sigh.
im still sick. i can feel the lumps in my neck area(as in side my neck) growing again.
this is the 3rd time it grew. i pray i'll not get the stupid glanderous fever again. or i'll have to go back to the doctors for antibiotics. and this will be the 3rd time. i can't afford to fall sick.
So Lord, even when im feeling down in Spirits, don't let my health go down too. there're too many things that i really need to accomplish right now in these 3 weeks.

sighh. i did my mp today. got stuck somewhere; sent a SOS email to my group. waiting for my rescue now. and right now, im gonna slack.

bye.
loves.

seriously speaking; im kinda breaking inside.
breaking and tearing up at the fact of something.
sigh.

looking at myself, i just sorta realized without them, i am nothing. i know its not about man. its about God. but we as man, we need friends on earth.
i know i sound really pathetic now.

oh God, deal with me now please.
i just cannot accept the fact that im actually a loner.
sighh.

im gonna stop clinging on to her. im gonna stop clinging on to him. im gonna stop making it seem that they're my everything. but widen my circle of friends. that i will not be reduced to the state of doing things alone.
right now, i feel really upset. with no friends to really turn to.

Lord, you're the only one who understands the wrenching pain in me. you're the only one who can understand me. you're the only one who would really give me concern when im ill and in need of someone.
actually, im very lonely now and very insecure.
don't forsake me please.


today i went swimming alone. it was good. swam 13 laps in 1 hour. (: haha.
well slow & steady wins the race.
then met my darling boy. out for dinner. tampines mall was so crowded. so we decided to go whitesands. HK cafe again. my treat (: finally able to fulfil my promise to darling boy.

hmmm. talked bout lots of stuff. but none of it, were bout what i've been going through for the past weeks. feel like sharing but there's no one whom i can really share with. so God, its all to you. sighh.
i think its time i stop sticking to anyone. im kinda a bit closed up. but for the fact that i know God loves me, he loves me. i'll try my best not to let myself close up.
but each time i get hurt, each time i try to close up.

what in the world is wrong with me?
sigh. God what should i do now?

tmr will be better. i pray

loves.

Choir fellowship at Dorcas's place.

fabulous food, fabulous company. (:
skipped school cause i felt really uncomfortable. sore throat with phlegms that come out as red/green ): and cough.
sighhh.

anyway, did some major project work, found out many many errors to be brought up for meeting tmr. its supposed to be my free day. but oh well ):
hmm.
kor sent me to tampines. don't know why i called ina when i reach tampines. i was supposed to walk to Dorcas's place, but it was still too early. called ina, and waited for her like 15 mins. then decided not to wait. and went forth to Dorcas's place.
her cooking is great (:

smelled the aroma as i stepped into the house. being the most punctual choir member, im the first to reach again! haha. help Dorcas out, preparing the food and stuff (: glad i came early though.

then waited for the rest to come. hmmm. had ktv session. hahaha. was really cool with the scoring system. no one scored below 85! haha. looks like we all have good singing voices (:
haha.
ok. so smsed dear to come pick me up. and yay he came! maybe cause he was nearby. but nevertheless, thankyou very much. at least i didn't need to flag a cab home or smth (:
i feel so loved in my choir of cause being i've the priviledge as the youngest.
thankyou Dorcas & Joanne especially. i will always remember dorcas who asked me out for coffee. and Joanne who listens to me rant on and on sometimes bout how hard life was for me.

and then thanks to Jessica who'll always give me a hug. and the 2 amandas who are always so smiley (: and then also thanks to Joel who always add in humor to everything we do as a team. and lastly thanks to the lovely couple, shea and ____ haha. oops i just remembered i don't know here name at all! but you 2 are so so sweet! (: hahaha.

im so blessed being in Choir (:
and all the nice lovely fun times we had, i give thanks for all. (:


well, while i was walking to dorcas's house, i felt a lil depressed. have been overwhelmed with loneliness recently. especially when i wasn't feeling well, the person i really wanted to have concern from didn't really showed me the concern. but i really thank God for ina, who provided me with panadol & stuff. it was really touching.
and and and... although i was having a stupid thought just now while walking to dorcas house. alil of jealousy with ____ & _____ ; shan't tell you who. i just felt very neglected. but then i realized she also have her friends. i can't cling on to her so much.

but i was really upset. i wanted to cry. but then i asked God, "Are you there?" and somehow i just felt peace in my heart (:

so thank God for everything
off to rest, my throat hurts a lot :x

im still down.
10 mins more to wsad lab.
there's completely no smile on my face.
i've no idea why

meeting emily later.
hope my spirits would get better.
because right now, i just seem to have close up alil.

God, what is happening?
can you really hear & see me?
im tired. and also drowning.
help me get out of this please.

tears & joy; walk through it with me please.



i got a very bad sore throat. can't really talk properly.
and im pretty feverish. but then i don't really care.
sigh.


life is forever unpredictable. changing 360 degress every now & then.
sick & tired.


loves.

issue X is troubling me a lot.

what should i do to confirm?

im feeling pretty much retarded.

oh Lord, where are you?

i did not have a very enjoyable day. although i went swimming. it was fun but i guess spirits were kinda low in the end.

don't want to explain anything here.

what if i disappear from your side one day? would you come look for me? would you despair?

im so so emo.

whatever.

pictures (:

my new desktop appearance in my laptop (: haha. i think these are the few important friends and people in my life.

although there're a few people like emily & annette that i seldom get to meet up with. but they're really good friends that i can usually talk to (:

there's shalom, jeffrey, annette&emily and INA now on my desktop. i think looking at my desktop makes me feel so blessed with how God has given me so many nice people in my life. haha.

i can never forget the day i stepped into shalom. until now, where i've easily become one member of their big family. its so so amazing. with good leaders like CL and Yung. thankyou!

so blessed! (:

my arms are aching from swimming! haha. i think i over-exert myself. but nvm.

tmr another swimming opportunity with Esther. loveloves.

will enjoy myself. away with all the calories (:

hahaa.

loves.

08 july 2007 : finally, our 10th month.

an amazing blessed 10 months with you.
thank God for giving me a guy like you. thank God that irregardless of whatever things we faced, we still have each other as a pillar of support. thank God that even when both of us could hardly meet up, we still have a everlasting heart of love for each other.
thankyou for this amazing 10 mths with you. thankyou (:

two more months to one year. haha. time just flies. shoots like a rocket i guess. haha.
im happy. really glad.

anyway my day was fabulous (:
haha. sung for choir during worship. felt so refreshed. the presence of God was just so strong. really; experience the amazing wonders of God.
anyway, dear waited for me to finish singing for 2nd service. then we went east coast park hk cafe to celebrate our 10th month together. the food was nice. but i guess i get full very easily. haha. then we decided to go swimming.

in the end, we went swimming with his sisters too (: good swimming. just swam non-stop. i think i had lost quite an amount of calories. but i gain it all back during dinner ): haha.
but nvm. its an enjoyment to spend the day like this with him & his family.

recently, i've been asking myself, what am i going to do in future? what is it that i really want to do? teaching or counselling? i don't know what is the road that God wants me to take. i pray that God will reveal his plans to me so that i can really decide.

haha.
im so so tired. im going school early tmr to do work (: i think. haha.
loveloves.

a really big big thankyou to all who have helped to vote (:
a special thanks to everyone. i can't named everyone. but theres like 52 votes in just less than 48 hours. its an amazing number to me. i thought i would only have 11 votes. haha.

i felt extremely weird asking people to vote and all. cause i felt like vanity started surfacing out of no where again. so i shall stop asking pple to vote. but vote if you can ok! i would really appreciate it too.

initially i didn't want to win, i just joined for fun. but now as im slowly starting to enjoy every single bit of it as i see my votes get higher and higher, hmm i feel so guilty too. ):
weird.


anyway on the happier note, im going swimming tmr (: yay !
loves (:

haha.
this is craziness. everything i look at the Hey! Gorgeous website, looking at my grainy picture, i can just burst out laughing. everything is just so funny!
oh man. its all Rooney's fault. it's he who started the whole "i nominate you" thing. and then i told ina & perline. they were like, yah! u should join. and then ina said "i'll go upload your photo" hahaha. and now after the slight twist&turn of events, my picture is finally up. but its grainy.
so the whole thing just makes me so so amused. looking at the votes increase by each hour, makes me even happier.

so now, does the whole thing actually increase in my level of confidence? but then again, i know my confidence lies in God. im not exactly treating this whole voting thing very seriously, im only asking for people to vote because im a bit bo liao. but i don't really want to win. and i won't i won't. look at all the beauty already! haha.

anyway. click here for the link.
ahahaha. enjoy (:

i feel weird telling people to vote and eveything. seems so bhb. but. hahaha. nvm. just vote (:
loveloves.

when im sick, things just seem to go wrong one way or another.

exhausted. had to dragged myself to school although i was sick and feeling so weak.
sigh. i feel like saying a lot of things. but i am really unable to do so.
fear is an awful feeling. its really awful. especially when fear is the foothold of the devil ):


but father God, i pray that you just remove this fear in me. fear of uncertainty. fear of losing. fear of not being good enough. so many many fears. Lord, i just surrender all these fear into your hands. take me under your arms and give me comfort. for you are my strength and refuge in times of troubles and needs. Lord just help me get through this awful period of my life.
in jesus's name amen


would you show me some concern? would you tell me that im good enough? would you tell me that im needed?
im so upset. it seems like when my spirit is down, virus just always attacks me. and when im attacked by virus, all kind of emotions attacks me.
im breaking already.
but God, just let your Holy Spirit touch my heart. and fill me with your joy once more.
i shall trust in you. like always.



i failed one termtest paper. i can hear the voices in my head already.
"good for you, you deserve to fail"

i really needed you. but you just wasn't there.