im beginning to feel really hopeless.

trying to be really strong is one thing and being really strong is another thing.
im sorry.
really sorry.

i can no longer be..
sigh.
nevermind.

bye.

it seems that i have been only blogging when i need to seek shelter. not really seeking shelter. because i seek shelter from God. anyway whatever im saying is really contradictory.

hidden in despair.
and i hear the voice in my head "peace, be still"
Father, grant me with inner peace once more please.

i refused to talk about it to anyone who saw me tear. but deep down i know its really hard to manage. im always encouraging everyone around me. but when i break down, i find it hard to encourage myself. although i still have plenty of comforting words in my head. but its still hard to let these words comfort me. only God's healing hands can.

i think God is trying to send a message across to me since last week. to seek Him and not humans on the earth. because people will fail me but God will not.
its a hard and tough time. my desire for concern and care has grown unexpectedly stronger and stronger. the pain in me has increased over time. and the strength in me is slowly being drained by every single upset moment everyday.

how can i manage to carry on like this? Only God can bless me with strength and power. to hold on strong. and also to reach out to the many broken souls out there.

so many people around me cares so much. i see it. i feel it. they often tell me not to hide. not to be silent. but what can i do ? what should i say? im loss for words.
maybe its not a bad thing to be silent. i really do not know
if one day he prounce upon this blog so suddenly, i think i'll be loss for words. because i know he'll never read my blog.

my flesh spirit and the holy spirit in me is continuing to battle on and on. my flesh spirit makes me want to shout out loud. to scold. to have anger. to be frustrated and just cry. but my holy spirit tells me that God is with me. "peace, be still."
human will fail me but God will not. this must be often reinforced in my life.

there's pain in me. God take it away. because i'll definitely let go. i know i must seek you and not any other. and therefore. i shall start seeking only You. and no one else.
and therefore take this burning pain in me. and take away this battle that is raging in me.
in Jesus's name, Amen.

that's my prayer for today.
and im sorry to those who saw my tears. really sorry.
thats not me. Never me.

tmr i'll be wearing yellow. i'll be sure to make everyone smile and laugh once more (:
thankyou for all the amazing concern.
loves

no matter how tough, how tiring. i will walk through everything.
to do my best. to walk on boldly.

no matter how much it takes. i'll still be brave.

i miss him so much. he must be having fun now. hahas.
i can hardly find words to describe this special feeling between both of us.
hahahas.

i keep crying over a super sad drama. one litre of tear. yusrin shouldn't have introduced me this show. hahaha. i just keep crying non-stop over it. its simply too saddening.
SIGH.

i spent the whole day infront of the computer either trying to do WBAT or watch the drama. time passes so fast which im really grateful for. because only when time pass fast, then i'll be able to see him faster.
i have been waiting endlessly. to me thats how i feel. at times, i really wish i can see him immediately. but that's my selfishness. no matter how dumb i seem to perline.lynette. i'll still always be me. because that's my kind of love for him. no matter how tired i am of waiting for his sms. his phone call. the day we can meet. no matter how tough to get through each day. im still going to be strong. thats because i love him so much.

((((: loves.
gotta go.
church tmr (((:

i miss you so much. ))):

SIGH.

today i had a really busy day. supposed to do master page for wbat. but i only completed parts of it. its quite tiring to get it all complete.
yikes.

darling is going to malaysia tmr. and im gonna be so lonely. haha. not really actually. i have loads of stuff to do. but that doesn't mean i won't miss him.
its been so hard all these days. i know a minority agree with me.

im tired. going to sleep soon.
and you all should watch 1 litre of tears. based on true story. its really good
thanks yusrin for the recommendation ((:

i love my boy.

more pictures. classmates. ((: great girls. hahas. thankyou for the amazing friendship. and how close we have bonded in just a short five weeks. perline.stephanie.lynette. and also the guys. yusrin timothy and maybe baldwin. ((((:perline.steph.ME during lecture.
i think we were playing around with my phone in the canteen hahas. make a guess where i am at.
lynette. sweet and adorable.
ina! hahas. she's having great loads of fun.


hoho. thats all.
thanks lynette for the wonderful smses that kept me really strong. and the maze is really a good thing. hahas. i love you.
thanks to perline for the concern. and askng me to eat. hahas.
and thankyou to ina for accompanying me the entire day. lifting up my spirits.
thankyou to timothy and baldwin. for being a great company (((:

takecare everyone.
loves.

tearing apart.
really. alot and alot.

i have been sleeping alot. but not sleeping well. my back hurts alot.
i have been feeling tired most of the time. and i can't focus on anything at all.
i have been losing my appetite. and it mounts to only eating as much as one meal a day.
i have been feeling lost most of the time
i have been neither here or there.

i just want you. thats my most inner desire right now.

Father in heaven, i pray that you'll grant me strength. as i work myself through each day. And i pray that i'll never feel lost because Your presence will always be with me. Father i pray that you'll be my light in my darkness. And that the harsh words from my mom that has affected me rather much will stop lingering in me. Father i pray that you'll turn my sorrow into joy.
Please help me get through everything.
in Jesus's name i pray Amen.

Ina, i want the chocolate now. i need it so much now. ))):
i love u.

shall post pictures of CBTL today (((:

heres like a whole load of people.

jessica. me. and karon.
((((:
whole choir. try to spot me. bwahahas. abit hard lah.

my hand is blurred because karon pulled me into the picture last min. yah. :x

im hidden. -.-
blurred. haha.
a bunch of people pouring out praises and worshiping our Almighty God.

end of photos. i miss the time of practice we had together. miss the times of laughter and everything. everything was wonderful during CBTL. well, we'll see each other again soon. yay!

loves

i am feeling all weary and tired today. i had carried a broken heart to church today.
but as i started my morning prayers before service started. as i laid all burdens at the feet of the cross, i did felt an inner peace in me. and that i give thanks for.

choir was good. my second time serving. but i may not be able to continue. at first i felt that, my mom wouldn't have comments about me serving. but i was really wrong. and i have to honor my parents. so i'll just pray for God to speak to me. to give me an answer on whether to continue serving.

and pray for my mom. she backslided. and i just noticed it only now. what a failure i have been. sigh. well. i plan to bring her for christmas hokkien service on the 23rd dec. so hopefully she can go. (((:

i really feel tired today. but amazing thing is. i have this inner peace in me. although im tired. although i know there are a lot of problems for me to face. somehow four words keep ringing in my mind. "peace be with you" its like Jesus constantly holding my hand not letting go of me. and telling me that im here with you to face everything with you.
and true enough i know He is here with me. so no matter how weary i am. i know i'll recover.(((:

i won't blog much today.
i won't be seeing him for really quite some time. mon.tues.thurs.fri.sat.sun.
i still have a lot of hidden emotions in me that needs pouring out. but its only for God to hear. (:

bye.

i have said that i would really like to stop blogging. because i felt its really a dread. But then recently i read from somewhere. that it is really good to jot down thoughts about God. and my daily experience with Him. So i thought i would continue blogging about the goodness of my God.

today i continued reading the wounded woman again.
and i came across this.

FAITH

F- Fully
A- Abandoned to God
I- In
T- Trust and
H- Humility

oh, how true is that. to surrender all our hurts to Him. And He will take them all from us. and grant us with inner peace.

today i wrote another journal entry for creative writing. i shall share it here. im gonna copy and paste it. (((:

Some people said I am a strong girl of my age. Not in terms of physically but mentally and emotionally. Perhaps they are really right after a long time of struggles in life.
I began to know people more. I began to know how to reach out to the broken souls in the world. There was once, I was on the way to school on the bus. I saw this girl, who seemed around the same age as me. On her left wrist, there were scars. No doubt, these scars were evidence of suicidal thoughts in her. I saw a certain sorrow in her eyes that were so deep. The loneliness in her eyes had shown it all. I felt my heart ache slightly.

I prayed, “Oh God, teach me how. Teach me how to reach out to the people around me, even if I do not know them.”
And thus, I prayed sincerely for her. That she will be able to live through the whole lot of difficulties and come out as a strong young lady.

I always felt that people who try to take away his or her life are really foolish. Of course that includes me in the past. In the past, in the darkness, I had always wanted to die. I always wanted to fade away. The whole world seemed to dislike me, and there was no where I could turn to.

I knew how it was like to be all alone. The pain is not any normal pain. But a pain that can really take your whole life away, if you are not careful. I guess this is the reason why only people who have been hurt are able to really reach out to the broken hearted out there. Because only people like us, are able to clearly understand the pain and brokenness in them. And because I emerged victoriously out of my darkness, I am able to relate better to those who need help.

I didn’t make up a story about the girl. I really saw her. And I felt really troubled upon seeing those scars. And these scars gave me tears. I would have liked to hug her and lay my hands upon her to give her my blessings. And of course, tell her that Jesus loves her. But I guess, it would be really weird because I do not know her at all. But I leave it to God to do the healing.
My entry is long today. But it contains much of my emotions of that day.

this is what i have wrote. I just wanted to share.
Well, im willing to be that hand to the many out there who are hurt. wounded deeply. i have been there. but God has shown me the light.

In the wounded woman, i read about how a group of woman with wounds nursed their hearts. When they were asked to draw a picture that represents their wound and God.
one person drew a vase. with cracks. but this cracks has light coming out of them.
The interpretation of this drawing is really simple. God has made use of our wounds so that we may glorify Him.

Once durng sermon, this message was conveyed to me. And until now i still remember it clearly, " God must wound us deeply in order to put us to greater use." do i hear an Amen for that?
AMEN.

thats what i really feel. Let me reach out to the broken souls and hearts out there. Father, i just pray that you put me to really good use. Let my story be a living testimony to the many others out there. That they may face their wounds in their hearts and walk out of the darkness victoriously. Amen.

its a long entry so far. but its all worthwhile.
and one last thing. Never compare your life with other people.
Having troubles are not a bad thing. having no troubles, leading a carefree life is worser. Because they will never learn. never.

hoho.
birthday party was awesome.
thanks to the following people who came:
weixuan.beng.nicole&BF.melissa&BF.sarah.ying.jerome&FRIEND. annette&weiluo.emily&baolong.joanne.alvina.shumin.sisil.haney.sean.ina.jeremy.
chuili.yung.david.aaron.waldy.samuelchin.jeffrey.evelyn.
&&&&& jeff's family (((((:

hahas. thanks to all who came. and those who didn't come because for the weather :xxxx
GARRRHHHHH. hahahas. no lah. pity.pity. hee.

and thanks everyone for the presents.
i got a whole lot of awesome presents (((((: and 3 birthday cakes. the best present i have
received this year is the cell group's present. a book for woman who are dealing with hurts.
recently so much things are happening. but i'll leave it all to God.

i'll upload pictures tmr. i need to continue studying for finance test soon. loves.

loves everyone.

yesterday pictures. hahahas. that explains all. and look at the amt of food my boy eats. gaaaaa. LOLS

heee. im really missing him badly.
anyway today was great!
i love my classmates like super alot now. especially lynette stephanie and yusrin. they are great. and not forgetting lynette one and only BF. they are so sweet lah! hahahas.

anyway. heres the present from lynette and timothy:

famous amos cookie. hahahs. and its so cute. (: thats my third birthday present. whoopeeees.
okay enough of the pictures. wanna see tmr's guest list? LOL. i put for fun lah. OK!

1)ina
2)sean
3)jeffrey
4)weixuan
5)kaiyan
6)chiensing 8pm
7)shumin
8)alvina
9)joanne
10)sylvia
11)yusrin
12)waldy
13)jingying
14)David
15)beng
16)nicole
17)Melissa
18)annette
19)emily
20)yeo
21)weiluo
22)haney
23)hajar
24)wenjie
25)merrilyn
26)nicole's BF
27)samuel chin
28)aaron
29)Chui Li
30)Yung
31)Chris
32)Nicholas
33)Jerome
34)Jeremy
35)Lynette
36)Timothy
37)danny
38)pj
39)Fifa

thats bout it. plus darling's sisters ? im not sure. hahas. anyway tmr will be great. hahahas.

loves.

HOHO.

Happy Birthday to ME.
aiks. that was yesterday. goodness. hahas.
nevertheless, i had a fantastic time. and i really appreciate all the efforts my boy made all for me. and this time, your surprises succeeded! i love you boy. (:

thanks for all the birthday messages: sean.ina.chuili.zhiqinnn.joylynn.lynette.yusrin.stephanie.
yea yea thats bout it. not many people know its my birthday yesterday. they think its tmr. hahahas. because my party is tmr! so wear pink you people. HOHOHO.

im pretty excited bout tmr already. i'll be seeing lots of people i haven't seen in for a very long time. hahas. so im very happy.
i shall NOT tell you what my boy did for me. its my secret. hahahas.
but. i'll post pictures very soon.

because im in school now you see. hahahas.
but my birthday was really the best spent in my eighteen years of life.
and once again. thankyou my darling. you really make me feel so loved. (:

lovesloves.

don't read. seriously. im just ranting.

im tired.
physically and mentally.

school work. life. i don't know.
no reason why.

been feeling like tearing for weeks. been stuck somewhere where i do not know.
praying here and there. But somehow things still don't work.

CBTL was awesome. i did experience God so strongly than ever. but certain other things came back into my mind. things that i never expected. and im affected very strongly by it.
im really tired.
i wish i could sleep for 24 hours and get up returning to my ownself. but i have too much work to do.

please give me strength, father in heaven.

sigh. gotta go .
bye.

BOO.

im waiting for my darling to come fetch me. haha. w&i today!
well. i have a secret bout w&i
i shall confess. the reason why i keep getting ina to go. is because......
aiya nvm. i dont want say. haha! SHY.
but i'll overcome it (:
right ina ? i can hear you say yes!

today i started the cleaning job. fantastic i tell you. enjoyed cleaning. a little tiring. but still endurable (:
hoho. tmr's CBTL rehearsal. glad to see the people again tmr. (:
and. everyone please pray for CBTL. for everyone who's serving. and for many many people to come for CBTL. (:

wheeees.
erms. my latest birthday party details
the pit number is 29. behind downtown east. 6pm OK peepos ?
hahaaa.
and my mom is making our favourite gyoza. (: WHEEEEES.
i sacrificed 50 bucks.
and my mom says the girls (early birds) will get a free facial MASK. wahhaaaa.

thats really funny. gotta go anyway
loves.

i love my teddy bear.

here to blog.
birthday: 7 days away (:

this time im happy to be turning eighteen. haha.
my best friend bought me my birthday gift already. thanks BF!
haha.

actually i don't have much to blog bout anymore. sigh. i just lost that feeling to blog.
its sucha dread.

WBAT assignment due next fri! goodness. and i just saw the announcement today.
i don't know what i am gonna do. and the best part. no visual studio at home. how to work on it. SIGH. better go discuss with yusrin and steph later.
may the joy of the Lord be my STRENGTH.

i seriously need strength now. everything seems to be slipping away from me slowly and slowly. But i know Jesus loves me (:
haha.

byeee.