turning point

recently, during this down period, it has become a journey of faith.
i went through the anxiety of not getting a job. i went through the anxiety of not knowing where to head on next. be it social work or teaching.
i prayed, i cried, i begged anxiously to God. I asked, I shouted for help. I told God i could not take it anymore.

for a few weeks, this lasted. each time i went to church, i asked for the same thing. each time i prayed during my quiet time, i asked for the same thing.
do i have faith as much as a mustard seed?
I really have to ask myself that.
Sunday i went up to the altar to surrender all my worries and struggles to the Lord.
when i thought i had no gifts or talents, when i had no directions. I prayed and asked God for my next step, lead the way for me. I cried out to Him once more with all my worries and pain.
and the next thing i knew, there was going to be a change. i know definitely for sure, there'll be a way out soon. something just snapped, and something was going to change.

today i went for an interview as an Accounts Manager. I'm not sure whether i'll get the job,but i know i did well for the interview. I wanted to excel in it. and i knew i did it. all for the glory of God.


anyway, i read a friend's blog. although i do not know who she is refering to. but deep in my heart, i know there are unresolved issues between her and i.
for the many times, i held so much bitterness against her. my heart desired many times to be close to her, to be able to embrace this friendship with lots of love. but many times, i have been rejected indirectly. each time i was around her, i felt like i was hated. i felt a strong sense of displeasure. each time i wanted to clarify things with her, i put it behind my mind. i said, no.

I didn't want things to be one-sided. I didn't want it to be just an one-sided friendship. As days, then months go pass, i felt myself dreading this friendship. I was so afraid to be hurt once more. I was so afraid of the remarks she often remarked, i was so afraid of her being displeased with me. and so i distant myself. I hide away from her.

recently, she came to talk to me. she told me stuff that we once shared about. Deep in my heart, there was a small tinge of happiness. but i was afraid it wouldn't last. cause previously, she would talk to me only when she likes it, on the other times, i would be pushed away like dirt.
I cried and despair over this friendship many times.
and when structural changes took place last year, i was a little glad. because i didn't want to be the cause of her displeasure. everything about her just meant so much to me. only, she didn't know.

I didn't want to cry over this loss anymore. i drifted. and it's not only her that makes me feel so lost. but i don't want to go into that now.
After i read her blog, i prayed. I told God honestly how much pain there is, i asked God, can i forgive her now? after many many months, can i let go of the bitterness in my heart?
I do want to see a change in this friendship, but i have no idea how anymore.
I still love her.


and now, after pouring these out. my heart feels better.