my reflection of year 2009

I haven't been blogging for very long. It had been close to 5 months that I've stopped blogging.

Recently, just after the worship gathering which I had, I began to reflect upon this one year.

this year, 2009 has not been the greatest year for me. This year, I see friends of mine all settling down in their schools and at work. But for me, it has been trials after trials. obstacles after obstacles.

to be honest, my ministry went downhill. my personal spiritual life dropped to its lowest at certain points of my life. this year had been bad.
to be brutal, this is one of my worst year of my whole 21 years of life.

from January to June, I tasted what it was like to be out of job. I tasted what it was like to be desperate. Through the first six months, I lowered my expectations tremedously. I submitted to just working at a bakery in the morning, and tuition in the afternoon. I was wallowing in my sorrows for awhile. There wasn't a day where I would stop worrying. But through this six months, the Lord had shown me His grace. He provided for my every physical need.

In this year 2009, I had lost a lot of self esteem and confidence. The chatty me was no longer as chatty before. Deep in my heart, i was straying away. And i often asked myself, "Does anyone know that i'm straying away?"
For the first six months, it had been terror, tears, brokenness. Dad fell seriously ill. there were so much tears and struggles. Even in my ministry in choir, i was often crying out to God, help me, save me, save my dad. help me, i'm so tired. what else can i do Lord? you are the God i worship, surely you'll do smth for me. surely you'll help me.
It was so tough. even as i look at it now, i still feel frighten.

I finally found a job in the month of june. Jeff wasn't with me at that time. the month of june was one of the worst month that i could ever endure. no doubt there were good things, but bad things happened non-stop. I didn't feel like going out to face the world anymore. I felt like hiding in my homely shell and stop meeting people. I didn't want to meet anyone anymore. My pillar of support wasn't there with me.
But somehow, God answered my prayers. My dad was healed. a job was found.

the next 4 months had been slightly better. I began to learn techniques and skill in teaching. my confidence grew with much affirmation from my boss. I began to feel better each day after teaching the children. occassionally, i would stumble and fall because of parent's feedback. but i soon learnt to pick myself up and try again. i had learnt so much from my boss. my spiritual life did grow to its peak.

but it dropped to a bottomless pit when i was enticed by temptations. I spent two months at another major crossroads. now, i've finally got things more or less sorted out. and i really thank God for placing good leaders and advisors around me. I began to learn more about Jeffrey and about myself in these 2 months.

This year, i feel different. I feel more matured after going through so much of the ordeal. Life would no longer be the same for me. I've been hurt several times, even until today i have a phobia of what had happened. I cannot be natural anymore. I feel like I've become a hypocrite in many ways. I am unable to just be myself anymore. Infront of certain people, I've learnt to act as if i'm another. And sometimes i really feel very drained.

Today Jeff asked me a question. he said this question is to test my spiritual growth.
He asked me, "What is Jesus Christ to you?"

I replied " Jesus is my anchor. Without Jesus, I'll never be here the person I am today. He saved me from the darkest hour of my life. No one can ever understand Jesus and the concept of love more than me. Because I never had, I never received this love, I was able to understand the love of Jesus from a very young age. People who are wealthy, who are shelthered by their parent's love will find it harder to grasp this concept of love. but people who had lived in emptiness will cling on to Jesus's love so much that they can never let go."

and if you think through it, it is so true. who can understand this love more than me?
who can truely understand how touching Jesus's love is?
when u feel that you have nothing, Jesus is your everything.

and to me, Jesus is my everything. No Jesus is equivalent to No me.

Thus, no matter how bad, how broken i had been in this year, i thank the Lord. For every second and minute of my darkest hour, the Lord had never left me. not even a step away. He had been here patiently, reaching out to me, touching my heart.i thank the Lord for his goodness.

this year 2009 is coming to an end soon. I sincerely pray that i'll grow a tad stronger in the coming year.