Rainbow Love

Chinese New Year Eve.

im exhausted. imagine having to spring clean from 9am to 5pm. tell me how you would feel. my arms are ready to drop off any moment. and issues in the heart, in the mind is not making me feel any better.

need a person to talk to. at least someone that i can really share with. and i prayed yesterday; Father, please give me someone to talk to. Amen. But, none appeared. i was alone at home yesterday. crying and crying; non-stop. i haven't broke down for ages. but the projects, the stress got into me. and my hormones are weird. i get emotional nowadays. at least, the three whole weeks of not-enough-sleep-doing-projects are gone. two more final exam papers. and i'll be looking forward to shanghai with kian hwee ((:

rocks.
reunion dinner does not interest me a single bit. i dislike eating meat. and everything presented on the table are meat. sigh. my appetite has gone haywire. for at least 2 weeks already, i've not been eating well. i even gone without food the whole of yesterday. i wanted to eat dinner. but i was too depressed. and i went to sleep instead.

you&i; we've drifted so far apart. without even realizing.
you&i; we've been too busy in the midst of our own life, that we had forgotten each other.
can i continue what's in my heart now?

broken-ness. i feel sorrow. pain deep within. i wanted to talk to CL. but she had to go offline. i know its okay. God wants me to seek Him.
but Father, you know it all. you see everything that i been through. frustrations i have poured out at you all the while. why me? i always ask. and i still am asking "WHY ME?" of all people in the world, that are the same age as me; EIGHTEEN. why me?

i fall again and again. i pick myself up bravely. and i trust, i love, i rely. but WHY? why had i fell again and again? i don't want to trust anymore. i don't want to rely anymore. but i don't think i can not want to love. i really don't want to get hurt anymore.
im vulnerable enough. and please, don't let me get hurt anymore.

haven't i been disciplined enough already? have i not been disciplined more than other people? Father, then what must i do now? what should i do? i've never felt this lonely. but i do now.
let me just trust in you, Father. and no one else. let me just learn to seek you. seek you and not humans. teach me how to rely on you and not on humans.

teach me to be more like Jesus. and not care bout the worldly-humans.
i just want to be under your wings. in your embrace. and be my tower, refuge and comfort.
pour out your love onto me, because i need it so much.
show me your love, show me your Grace. please.

those words from your mouth yesterday had driven me back to the darkest corner. i don't seem to able to smile right now anymore.


loves,
qiqi.