Rainbow Love

i realized that i've started falling again.
i started to "protect" myself again.
i don't know where im heading to.

but at least, thank God for his presence. (:

went to meet my mp group members today.
had a horrible headache. - must be the lack of sleep & the rain ):
my headache is back now.
sigh

i realized how much im unwilling to share bout stuff now.
because i realized the more you open up, the higher you raise the percentage of getting hurt.
i wish i could stop trying to protect myself and be strong.


but this is my weakness.
God, don't let me fall away from you. because i know im breaking. one wrong step, and i'll be led to doom by the devil. i don't want to fall away from you.
that's my desire. i know i told you to break me, so that i can grow stronger in my faith and in my spiritual walk. but pull me through please. Amen




sorry ina. its not your fault at all. its not that you are unworthy as my friend or something.
its just that, i've difficulty opening up. i cannot accept the fact yet. you might be asking accept what fact, but i'm definitely not gonna post it here. because of ego i guess.
so many things going on in my life, but i always chose to keep it to myself.
that's because i really don't want to rely on human beings now.
the more i trust, the more disappointment i get. can you understand? its my natural reaction to protect my vulnerable self. i may appear strong, but inside im weak. and sometimes i really detest this part of me. many many things are not meant to be shared. because they just can'
t be shared. because even myself, can't understand why such feelings are in me, i can't understand what exactly is happening in my world.
there are still things that i share with you. but those stuff are just stuff that i can share with you or emily or annette. but the inner me, i've not opened the door yet.
not even to jeff, im feeling so apologethic. there's nothing i can do to remove this sickening feeeling in me. the only thing i can do is to apologised.

i've no idea why i've fallen so far away.
to be honestly truthful, i've bitterness in my heart. and i know this will lead to my downfall one day. trying my best, im walking out of it - but sadly to say, not with man's help anymore. i want to try to rely on God totally and not man.

because in future, when man are not there for me, i only have God. i want to try seek God before man. i want to learn.

this is the lesson God is teaching me.
im very very tired & weary. right now, i haven't really found the meaning in life.
i'm very insecure. for the fact that i know, in my life without God, you and jeff.
im reduced to ashes.

i know you'll say we'll be lifetime buddies. A&C partners. and everything. i need to find my faith back.
like i said, the only thing i can say is i'm sorry.


):