sick, sick, still sick

it all started on a friday
when heart was beating terribly fast.
breathing difficulties.
dizzy spells.
being thirsty all the time.
couldn't stand properly..

hmm.
slowly, fever came.
bad sore throat with phlegms the color of red & green. (gross right?)
then sleeping difficulties.

the best part of the whole story.
i've been out running & not resting.
haha. ok i haven't really RUN.
but i just simply went to church & so on.
heh.

there are two small lil lumps on my throat which can be felt by placing ur fingers on my right side neck. thank God it isn't as big as the previous 2 times.
so i don't think i'll see a doctor.
unless i keep having on/off fever.
which is what i'm experiencing now -.-
i'm still not sure whether i can return to work tmr.
hopefully i can.
i've a hard time accounting to my supervisor. why i need so many days leave.
hmm.


& it's 9.40am now. waiting for jeffrey aw to come pick me up. haha.
stomach growling.
haven't been eating much yesterday.
less than 1/2 a bowl of yong tau foo. with 2 spoons of rice
and 1/2 a bowl of porridge.
am i going to lose weight like this?
if yes, hurray.

but i think my appetite will be bigger today
there's cbtl choir rehearsal later.
hurrays.
hope i can sing despite my throat infection.

lots of love everyone (:

trust.

back from dinner with emily.
typed the previous post in a rush.

i'm having a fever now.
terrible sorethroat too.
jus painted my nails gold and black.
rock! thanks emily for paying for the gold nail polish.
haha.

waiting for my nails to dry so i blog.

i was just thinking through everything; reconsidering every single lil detail.
i know i shouldn't be posting things here.
but i can't help it.
i'm too feverish to go write in my other diary.
& there are things i need to further sort out by typing it out.

trust. its very important in a r/s.
when you can't trust. ur r/s go haywire.
from the start till now.
i've always trusted him. trusted him that he'll protect me.
trusted him, that he'll love me always.
trusted him that no matter what difficulty i or we go through, we'll walk together.
and till now, i still trust him.

i asked myself this.
in the beginning, when you know that this r/s is gonna be a tough one.
not enough time to spend with each other.
yet you were able to accept him for who he really is.
and commit yourself into this r/s.
why can't i now not?
i always say. do what you need to do.
do what you have to do.
but am i really being supportive this way?
or am i trying to avoid the issue.
or am i just puting on a brave front. but tearing at the back.

people always say we seem like a perfect couple.
but i know that's not the case.
there's no such thing as a perfect couple in the world.

but all i want to do right now.
is to be really supportive by your side.
even when you'll be busy.
even when you'll not have time for me.
i want to support you in whatever decision you make or will make in the near future.

blog again later.
suffering from another attack of the stomachache.


ok back.
what i really want to say is that.
i want to be a supportive girlfriend in whatever you do.
even if it means we don't have time to spent with each other.
even if it means that i've to follow you around to places i do not like.
for you, i'm willing to do anything.

and i end off with,

i love you, jeffrey aw.


goodnights.

break me, break me & break me

i've asked God to break me in so many areas of my life so that i may live a victorious & righteous life for Him.
and before i know it.
things are starting to dive down for me.
the areas which i prayed for, are slowly seeping into my life..

things are making me change drastically.
i'm really struggling to keep myself joyfull despite of all.


cover me with your wings.
let me trust you only.
let me rely on you only.
be my refuge & strength to walk this journey
i feel like i'm walking alone.
but i know you've not forsaken me.
Lord, break me if you must. but i know that all these will not be things that
i cannot overcome. i know i can do it.

please strengthen me.




fly if you need to fly.
do the things you need to do.
don't worry about me.
because God will watch over me.

i'm missing him

hmmm.
changed my blog design.
(:
and very satisfied. made use of blogger template.
going for simplicity now.

today i took leave.
stayed at home the entire day.
dear is off at feli's grad.
it's supposed to be our date today.
sigh.

hmm.
i feel a little sad. but nevermind (:


this part is for emily.
don't think anymore bout what has happened.
because you can't change anything by thinking.
i know it is easy to say.
BUT
and we'll always stay by your side always. and support you. (:
so jiayou! and smile always.
but when you need to talk, i'm just a ring away.


hungry. off to look for food.
loves.

im blogging at work again.
sigh.

i'm falling sick. better drink lots of water.
throat is hurting. starting to cough. block nose. etc.
just woke up from afternoon nap (:

my lunch was horrible.
my lunchbox; veggie was sour. the food turn spoiled.
so i didn't really eat alot. but nevertheless, full.

dinner out with jessica was good. though i wanted to pay. she didn't let me.
(: but it was really nice of her.
went to shop around century sq 2nd lvl. quite a few nice looking tops that i would like to buy
but the price is like 30 bucks for one piece of t-shirt.
super no thanks man!

anyway, think i better stop slacking.
because its 20 mins past my end of lunch break already.
hoho.

loves.

back from a great family dinner.
sundays are always the best spent day. (:

ok.
updates from the last few days.
hmm.
i met emily & annette on friday.
went to marina sq. i only met them for a few hrs. & i had to leave and meet jeff.
i could say my day ended off alright. because i begged jesus to make everything end off well.
i remember the tears that kept rolling down my cheeks.
the fear in my heart that kept overwhelming me that i could not breathe.
the number of times, i kept blaming myself for not being careful with the things i say, the things i do.
but like what he said, love overcomes all multitude of sin.
thankyou Jesus that everything still managed to end off peacefully before we say goodbye and return home.

and i'm greatly assured that he still loves me. and of course i still love him.
haha.

hmm.
i think i have to blog again another time. its getting late. and i've to transfer files for cbtl to my mp3 and hp. heee.
so till then (:

loves

finally the upload of pictures. (:
took me so long to do that.
was simply lazy.
anyway there are really much more. but i'm very very lazy.

anyway. happy birthday nana! i did this picture consolidation for you. this picture has a hidden meaning behind it. you're the main star. and around you are your family members. jeff&i, huisa & James, your father & mother, your father, you & Joyce.
we all love you very very much (:
so grow up well !
may God bless your life with so much more.
loveyou loveyou loveyou!

taken on the same day. but this time with my love. haha. he's very amazing. nothing can describe how bliss i'm feeling now just by looking at these pictures.

pictures of polar & smiley. super cute.
sitting so romantic-ly on my bed. hee.

ok. that's all loves.

wednesday.
i've been pretty much alone for 3 days.
working has turned me into a loner.
lols.

its really so funny.
everyday at work. i pack brochures.
during lunch. i eat alone. i surf blogs. i blog. i sleep. i do my qt.
and when its time to go home.
i pack my stuff, leave the office. head to the mrt station and return home.
on the train i would look up in the sky, at the clouds to admire God's creation.
then i would silently talk to him. telling him how i feel.
what my plans are.
i know he knows it all already. but i just feel like telling someone.

and then when i reach home, i wash up. i lie on my bed with my laptop on my stomach
and then i surf the net.
and then once its 9pm. i go to bed.
(i reach home at 7pm)

lol.
see how boring my daily routine is?
BLEAH. -.-
i'm anticipating Friday. where my honey bear is finally free for a date with me.
and also i'm meeting the girlfriends in the day i guess.
haha.
so, i'm really excited!

sometimes, i feel totally redundant in this world.
i often feel like "it doesn't matter whether i exist or not. Because no one notices, even if i were to disappear, nobody would care"
its a negative feeling right?
entrust it all to Jesus, my Savior.

Through this period of time, where time is spent in solitude, i began to really seek Him.
reading His words everyday just brings peace & joy in me.
so thank God for that!

hmm.
Ate Badette emailed me today to ask how am i. haha.
i was quite touched by her email.
so i just replied her. and i'm anticipating her reply.

you know what, today as i was doing qt.
i realized that most of the time, when i need someone to talk to,
there's always no one around.
because everyone's busy.
but then when i ask God to provide me with someone.
He never did.
i finally understand why.
because i prayed and told him to help me trust him, rely on him only & not on man.
so i guess God really is teaching me how to seek him first and not others.
Thank you Jesus (:

Lord,
i surrender every part of me into your hands.
keep me in the light.
that even if in darkness, light will still shine somewhere.
i pray that the past would no longer be a stumbling stone in my life.
i pray that i'll look towards the future.
and i'll continue to seek you in whatever circumstances i'm facing.
Lord i thankyou for the wondrous works you've been doing in my life.
i know that i am unworthy because of my sins.
but i also want to thankyou for your love and forgiveness of my sins.
thankyou so much.
i've found your purpose in my life.
and Lord, i want to work towards this purpose.
i want to stand up strong and glorify your name.
Oh Jesus, let me sing a sweet song for you always & always.
Amen.



left with 5 mins before lunch break is over.
God bless me.
hope time pass fast!

love everyone (:

HOHO.
uploaded a few pictures. lazy to upload like everything?
hahaa. boring arh.
so i spent my first year with jeff a couple of weeks ago. early celebration. & all went well. and i'm loving him loads. haha.
(:

this is ate marlet & me.

this is ate izza & me.
taken at ate dorcas & izza's house. i went there for dinner on monday (: nice food. nice ates. hehe.


ok.
i've been really busy till i don't have time to go out with emily & annette. i am so so sorry ):
sigh i feel like i'm missing out so much. due to two reasons. pay isn't here & there's always not enough time!
my free time last week was spent to ERR.
let me see,
monday - dinner with dorcas,izza & marlet.
tuesday - out with dear to watch evan almighty.
wednesday - met dear after work for dinner and tea at hk cafe.
thursday - took leave and rest the whole entire day. (i was really tired)
friday - met dear at 9pm for tea at hk cafe again.

SEE, i'm not kidding. i'm busy -.-
haha. ok. zhong se qing you.
aiya next friday we got triple date right! i sure go one.
cause i took leave already 0.O

haha.
you know sometimes, i don't really know where i stand. but nvm. haha.
i'm mad at times.
today i made up my mind.
only a few might know what i'm actually talking about.
today although i didn't go there, i decided not to seek anymore answers. put everything behind me, move on. till God's perfect timing.
so be happy, rejoice for your dear sister me. (:


ok. i really miss jeff now. its weird.
last 2 weeks, we had been really annoyed.
but finally having time to meet up and really talk this week, airs were cleared. and we sort of just yearned for more chatting & also planning of the future. (this is our fave hobby at the moment -.-)
haha.

sometimes, love isn't that difficult to comprehend. love comes first, then comes companionship.
haha -.-
i think i don't make sense. ARR. nvm.

tmr i'm not gonna sing for service.
two reasons:
i'm dead tired & i really want to sleep in.
secondly, i really want to worship from the congregation. i'm always very distracted by how i sound when i sing. its annoying. though i know i always have to just commit it all to God. its a constant struggle.

whoever said that i sing well? BLEAH.
it takes like super a lot of effort for me. because i'm no talent. just that i'm trying to nurture into a talent. haha.
the techniques ate Badette taught are like killing me. i'm having so much difficulties trying to practice well and put them into good use. sigh. recently, i've been demoralized by my singing.
yikes.

ok. i think i've ranted about many irrelevant stuff today.
(:
loveloves.

p.s weekends sure pass very fast. and monday is coming where i've to start work all over again . BORING.

hoho.
so i have access to blog at my office!
HMM.
its been ages since i ever blogged.
anyway its 4.55pm now.
35 mins more to the end of work for today.

today i was really exhausted. tired out from all the carrying of boxes here & there. trying to pack the goodie bags for seminars. and now down to data entry ):
everything is kinda boring. but the people here are nice.
i've a boss who asked me this morning whether i'm feeling well because i was sneezing away.
hahaha. see NICE BOSS! (:

hur. i thought results were supposed to be out today for SMS?
what happen HUH!
bleah. ok.
haha.

yesterday i finally watched evan almighty!
it was really meaningful i tell you!
haha. i was really happy yesterday.
finally met up with him and have a proper date. our next date? next friday. long way to go.

btw, today i asked Dorcas whether she would like to be my mentor. and she lovingly agreed!
man, thank GOD! haha. because i was so afraid she'll reject me. HEEEE.
before CL reminded me of asking dorcas to be my mentor, i was already praying about it 2 weeks ago! see how amazing God really is? haha.
he's so real in my life (:


okkk.
so i'm gonna stop blogging and quickly finish entering all the data!
29 mins more.
hope time pass faster.
i really want to go home and SLEEP.

missing everyone (:
loveloves

back with plenty of updates!
hahas.


had a tiff with him which really tore me apart.
was down with all my "God, please bring me home" thoughts all over again.
sigh.
qiqi needs to grow strong, stronger, and even more strong in Christ.
qiqi needs to keep relying & trusting in Christ (:

when i finally attended the seminar on friday night, i was deeply reminded by the last few nights that had been a struggle to me.
hurtful words lashed out at me by people.
hurtful words that i just said to God. telling him to take away this precious life He've given me. and i was just apologizing and apologizing to God.
reminded of his goodness. his mercy and grace on me.
so tears just kept running.
i just wanted to keep crying out all the pain in me to him.

and i want to stop thinking of quitting. i want to run the race!
and the sermon was really good (:

hmm.
my ate Dorcas, ate Izza & ate Marlet has been really good to me.
i really feel so blessed.

i know as a result, i've started neglecting shalom.
but pardon me.
really. sighhh.

qiqi is just weird. borned with a weird personality.
i hope i'll never give up easily again.
that's all for now.

shall update a short entry.
haha.
i've been so busy.
too busy to blog.

the last week had been a blast!
with choir training with Ate Badette. (i use Ate, its philippino. erms, it means sister smth like that) haha.
well, i know i did improve a lot!
and although i'm in Auto now instead of my Saprano. i'm kind of in a still very joyful mood.
haha. been hanging around with my choir members. being pampered since i'm the youngest. and i'm totally loving it.
and Ate Badette is leaving on wednesday ): i'm kind upset. and i'll miss her!
hahaha.

well, through this one week, i experienced lots of love. especially from Dorcas, Jessica, Ate Badette and Joanne!
Thankyou for loving me. for letting me be your "daughter" or "sister" hahaha.
incase you are wondering. they are much older than me! HEHE. old enough to be my mom?!
hahaha.


ok. so there was Radical yesterday. i don't want to blog bout it. because i already wrote bout it in my notebook. hehe.
i need to rest early.

And today, we went to dorcas place to eat curry chicken. yumyum.
watched the sunday worship. and laughed really alot.
hahaha.
my new loves: Marlet, Izza, Dorcas, Jessica, Joanne, Corrine, Ate Badette.
HEHEEE. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Btw, i started work!
i'm doing admin work at a company call wyeth. it's located behind somerset MRT, at power supply building. feel free to call me out for lunch between 1.30pm to 2.15pm
hahaha.

BYEEEEE

let the pictures do the talking today.

i went with bf to tampines mall to have dinner and pizza hut. and it tasted horrible ):
don't ever try the cheese fondue pizza thing ):
and i realized how much i just love him so. (:

jeff's mommy birthday at no signboard seafood kallang. my recommendation (: glad they enjoyed the food. and i really really love his mom (: haha.
my prayer is that, God will keep her healthy and joyful always and always. (:

wei shan & i today after my evaluation. yemin was sittin on my lap when i took this picture. & she thought we were taking photo of her butt. how dumb. haha.

ok. i don't want to blog bout evaluation

but i had a fantastic time with my girlfriends. ina. then emily & annette.
we always have fun (:

haha. i'm loving them more & more.

loves

i'm crying now.
out of desperation.

Lord, hear my cries.
hear my desire to want to change this ugly personality into an image of yours.
hear my cries to want to stop being selfish.
hear my cries to want to be a salt and light for you.
i'm sorry oh Lord,
for the lies. for being selfish.
heal this aching pain in me. pain that i've experienced because of guilt.
i'm sorry.
amen.


i need to confess.
an open confession.

i'm sorry erlina, alan & rooney.
i'm sorry for being a selfish leader. for not wanting to go forth to school to help submit report.
i'm sorry because ytd i know that alan had called, but i did not pick up the phone.
i'm sorry because i've been a very terrible group member.
i know its hard to forgive me right now.
i'm just very sorry. that's the only thing i can say now.



):
tears just keep rolling down my cheek when i know i've failed be a salt and light for God.
my heart just keep aching when i know that i've sinned by telling lies.
my heart constantly aches when i know that i'm actually a horrible person.

but,

my heart also desires to be a better person.
i'm more determined to walk the way in Christ.
i'm more determined to live in Christ.

don't despise me, my friends.
but i pray for encouragement.

loves.

one picture that describes all.

haha.

spent a very good night with my love. wanted to go see fireworks. but the crowd was simply too biggggg. -.- hahaa.

anyway i'm only left with one more report & presentation to go then i'm free from major project. (:

but i'm left with EXAMS! SIGHHH.

hahaha.

ok.

not much to blog bout too.

(:

LOVES

And finally, i poured out all those thoughts to him.
once & for all.

how nice it feels to be able to thrash it all out.

another good thing is, i decided to stop working on the activation code.
and this means, i'm only left with report.
wayyyy to go qiqi.

although, it'll be better if i can get the activation code done and get the extra marks.
but then, i think God says, its ok. because i've really done my best.
(:


now i'm smiling. i think.

do you know that my heart always aches when i call you, yet your focus is on the television?
do you know how many times have your focus been on something else but not me?
do you know how many times have i talked to you, and you weren't listening?
do you know how frustrated, how upset i always am when such things happening?

did you think that i was joking when i told you bout my object rivals?
did you think that i would laugh even when you weren't listening to me?
did you think that i would smile and happily pick up your phone glad that you finally want to talk to me?


you've been so so wrong then.


ultimately, it seem that i'm in the wrong because i would not answer your phone. so be it then.
sigh. cold-wars all day long.
we dont fight, don't quarrel. but there're always small periods of silent wars.

i'm sick, yet i've to deal with all these.
Just show me some concern instead of watching that dumb tv won't you?

man ):
i think someone just shoot me.
i'm beginning to sound like emily/annette.
HUR.

back from a lovely date with my boyfriend.


he commented that i've been a lil too quiet tonight.
and he realized that because i'm always so chatty, he didn't realized he was always so quiet till today. hmm.

sometimes, it's really good to keep quiet and listen to your love one talk bout his life, bout his plans. i think i should listen more, talk less. i wonder if you ever have this kind of feeling before.

sometimes, i tend to be rather insecure.
i often ask God, what if this, what if that?
and fear often start to arise.

like, what if one day, he and i does not work out. what if one day, i find that i'm left all alone.
so many many worries.
and i know its bad to worry.
so i try not to worry too much. because worrying will only open a door to fear.

anyway, my point is, there are times when i think i talk too much and listen too little, thus annoying a 2nd party. and i hate the times when i feel so guilty bout it. so i'm gonna learn to keep quiet and listen more.

i suddenly feel so so exhausted. yearning for sleep. but have to wait for my AVG to scan my laptop for virus ):

ok. anyway, life's been pretty good for me. with major project coming to an end.
and i really love jeffrey aw more than i can ever imagine. (:


loves

chechi loves jeffrey aw (:

today i was just sitting in the bus. remembering the goodness that God has done in my life.
i began to think about the day i first went out with jeffrey. hahas.
it was so amazing.
i was just telling God, how much i thank him for giving me someone to love so sincerely, and so truely.

i think everything is so amazing.
although i've been very very tired lately, i know that God has walked me through it all. and He'll still continue walking me through.
that's how amazing my God is.

today morning i was woken up by my mom telling her friend on the phone bout how church tells her that she's not allowed to do this and that.
i realized how wrong my mom is. i realized that if she continues telling people bout these kind of stuff, how much danger she really is in.

but God, how can i help her?
she was telling her friend on the phone this morning bout she always does her morning exercises - qi gong, xiang gong and yoga. and when she goes church, she'll not tell anyone about them, cause she knows that church does not allowed her to do so.
and she went on further bout how she used to go church, and then she realized one day as long as she believe in Jesus its enough, she does not have to go to church.
she said that believing in Christianity is so mafan, you cannot do this & that, you cannot pray to other "deities".

sigh. Lord, what can i do to help her.

Lord, i pray you'll open her eyes that she may see your truth. i pray that you'll open her ears, so that she may hear the truth. Lord, i pray that you keep her away from stray. and let walk the right path. i continue to pray for her heart to turn back to you. that she may realized that you're the only way and the only truth. and that she'll sincerely learn to love you and stop doing things that are not right. amen.


because this is my private blog, then i'm able to post such stuff.
i'm not purposely revealing my mom's ugliness to everyone.
its just my desire to see her saved, and walking the way in Christ's image.

Let me shine for you Lord. Let me glorify your name. Let me be a good ambassador of Christ everywhere i go.


loves

Saturday: out with the girlfriends.

i only have one pathetic picture. because annette was daryl-shy. she didn't want to take pictures with her boy around. so i snapped one with emily instead. lol.

i dressed up for this outing. haha. i wore a dress. and annette too (:

ok, so we met at parkway. had lunch and chit-chat.

told them about the board game risk. and emily wanted to play.

so we went to giant to look for the board game. but it cost like $61.

so i told emily, there's one at pasir ris interchange for 10 bucks or so.

so we decided to go pasir ris. but, we didn't find the boardgame we wanted. the star wars version was kinda horrible ):

so we decided to go downtown east for snacks at tea valley and pool session (:

so i had a really fantastic time with them. all was worthwhile.

headed to church to look for polar.

and i stoned there for quite long.

that was because i haven't been sleeping well all these nights. and i was feeling a little unwell already. nevertheless, i still headed to 85 market and eat bak chor mee & oyster omelette.

i always love the food there.

so about choir.

i was really affected. during practice and during service. i kept praying to God. because i was really distracted by someone next to me. she got on my nerves. but i kept praying that i wldn't be distracted. i'll be able to cast all these distractions to him, and worship him joyfully. which i eventually did! AMEN!

but i'm still annoyed at her. SIGH.

i don't know what to do bout her at all.

i think sometimes i tend to get a lil too proud. and i know that's really bad.

so God deal with me please.

i want to be humble.

ok. back to doing work.

loves.

btw, next 5 days will be spent doing projects overnight.

pray for strength & endurance & patience.

and also my month of August is more than i can bear. i'll be definitely overworking myself.

i'm packed with mp, final exams and choir training all at the same time.

God, i pray that you see my labour for you. and that you'll just bless me with the strength to not give up, and continue doing my best for everything that i do. Lord, i pray that i'll be patient with everything i'm doing, with people around me. help me manage my anger well too.

Lord, i pray for your blessing. i pray that there'll always be someone around me that i can rely on. i love you so so much.

In jesus's name i pray, AMEN.