let the pictures do the talking today.

i went with bf to tampines mall to have dinner and pizza hut. and it tasted horrible ):
don't ever try the cheese fondue pizza thing ):
and i realized how much i just love him so. (:

jeff's mommy birthday at no signboard seafood kallang. my recommendation (: glad they enjoyed the food. and i really really love his mom (: haha.
my prayer is that, God will keep her healthy and joyful always and always. (:

wei shan & i today after my evaluation. yemin was sittin on my lap when i took this picture. & she thought we were taking photo of her butt. how dumb. haha.

ok. i don't want to blog bout evaluation

but i had a fantastic time with my girlfriends. ina. then emily & annette.
we always have fun (:

haha. i'm loving them more & more.

loves

i'm crying now.
out of desperation.

Lord, hear my cries.
hear my desire to want to change this ugly personality into an image of yours.
hear my cries to want to stop being selfish.
hear my cries to want to be a salt and light for you.
i'm sorry oh Lord,
for the lies. for being selfish.
heal this aching pain in me. pain that i've experienced because of guilt.
i'm sorry.
amen.


i need to confess.
an open confession.

i'm sorry erlina, alan & rooney.
i'm sorry for being a selfish leader. for not wanting to go forth to school to help submit report.
i'm sorry because ytd i know that alan had called, but i did not pick up the phone.
i'm sorry because i've been a very terrible group member.
i know its hard to forgive me right now.
i'm just very sorry. that's the only thing i can say now.



):
tears just keep rolling down my cheek when i know i've failed be a salt and light for God.
my heart just keep aching when i know that i've sinned by telling lies.
my heart constantly aches when i know that i'm actually a horrible person.

but,

my heart also desires to be a better person.
i'm more determined to walk the way in Christ.
i'm more determined to live in Christ.

don't despise me, my friends.
but i pray for encouragement.

loves.

one picture that describes all.

haha.

spent a very good night with my love. wanted to go see fireworks. but the crowd was simply too biggggg. -.- hahaa.

anyway i'm only left with one more report & presentation to go then i'm free from major project. (:

but i'm left with EXAMS! SIGHHH.

hahaha.

ok.

not much to blog bout too.

(:

LOVES

And finally, i poured out all those thoughts to him.
once & for all.

how nice it feels to be able to thrash it all out.

another good thing is, i decided to stop working on the activation code.
and this means, i'm only left with report.
wayyyy to go qiqi.

although, it'll be better if i can get the activation code done and get the extra marks.
but then, i think God says, its ok. because i've really done my best.
(:


now i'm smiling. i think.

do you know that my heart always aches when i call you, yet your focus is on the television?
do you know how many times have your focus been on something else but not me?
do you know how many times have i talked to you, and you weren't listening?
do you know how frustrated, how upset i always am when such things happening?

did you think that i was joking when i told you bout my object rivals?
did you think that i would laugh even when you weren't listening to me?
did you think that i would smile and happily pick up your phone glad that you finally want to talk to me?


you've been so so wrong then.


ultimately, it seem that i'm in the wrong because i would not answer your phone. so be it then.
sigh. cold-wars all day long.
we dont fight, don't quarrel. but there're always small periods of silent wars.

i'm sick, yet i've to deal with all these.
Just show me some concern instead of watching that dumb tv won't you?

man ):
i think someone just shoot me.
i'm beginning to sound like emily/annette.
HUR.

back from a lovely date with my boyfriend.


he commented that i've been a lil too quiet tonight.
and he realized that because i'm always so chatty, he didn't realized he was always so quiet till today. hmm.

sometimes, it's really good to keep quiet and listen to your love one talk bout his life, bout his plans. i think i should listen more, talk less. i wonder if you ever have this kind of feeling before.

sometimes, i tend to be rather insecure.
i often ask God, what if this, what if that?
and fear often start to arise.

like, what if one day, he and i does not work out. what if one day, i find that i'm left all alone.
so many many worries.
and i know its bad to worry.
so i try not to worry too much. because worrying will only open a door to fear.

anyway, my point is, there are times when i think i talk too much and listen too little, thus annoying a 2nd party. and i hate the times when i feel so guilty bout it. so i'm gonna learn to keep quiet and listen more.

i suddenly feel so so exhausted. yearning for sleep. but have to wait for my AVG to scan my laptop for virus ):

ok. anyway, life's been pretty good for me. with major project coming to an end.
and i really love jeffrey aw more than i can ever imagine. (:


loves

chechi loves jeffrey aw (:

today i was just sitting in the bus. remembering the goodness that God has done in my life.
i began to think about the day i first went out with jeffrey. hahas.
it was so amazing.
i was just telling God, how much i thank him for giving me someone to love so sincerely, and so truely.

i think everything is so amazing.
although i've been very very tired lately, i know that God has walked me through it all. and He'll still continue walking me through.
that's how amazing my God is.

today morning i was woken up by my mom telling her friend on the phone bout how church tells her that she's not allowed to do this and that.
i realized how wrong my mom is. i realized that if she continues telling people bout these kind of stuff, how much danger she really is in.

but God, how can i help her?
she was telling her friend on the phone this morning bout she always does her morning exercises - qi gong, xiang gong and yoga. and when she goes church, she'll not tell anyone about them, cause she knows that church does not allowed her to do so.
and she went on further bout how she used to go church, and then she realized one day as long as she believe in Jesus its enough, she does not have to go to church.
she said that believing in Christianity is so mafan, you cannot do this & that, you cannot pray to other "deities".

sigh. Lord, what can i do to help her.

Lord, i pray you'll open her eyes that she may see your truth. i pray that you'll open her ears, so that she may hear the truth. Lord, i pray that you keep her away from stray. and let walk the right path. i continue to pray for her heart to turn back to you. that she may realized that you're the only way and the only truth. and that she'll sincerely learn to love you and stop doing things that are not right. amen.


because this is my private blog, then i'm able to post such stuff.
i'm not purposely revealing my mom's ugliness to everyone.
its just my desire to see her saved, and walking the way in Christ's image.

Let me shine for you Lord. Let me glorify your name. Let me be a good ambassador of Christ everywhere i go.


loves

Saturday: out with the girlfriends.

i only have one pathetic picture. because annette was daryl-shy. she didn't want to take pictures with her boy around. so i snapped one with emily instead. lol.

i dressed up for this outing. haha. i wore a dress. and annette too (:

ok, so we met at parkway. had lunch and chit-chat.

told them about the board game risk. and emily wanted to play.

so we went to giant to look for the board game. but it cost like $61.

so i told emily, there's one at pasir ris interchange for 10 bucks or so.

so we decided to go pasir ris. but, we didn't find the boardgame we wanted. the star wars version was kinda horrible ):

so we decided to go downtown east for snacks at tea valley and pool session (:

so i had a really fantastic time with them. all was worthwhile.

headed to church to look for polar.

and i stoned there for quite long.

that was because i haven't been sleeping well all these nights. and i was feeling a little unwell already. nevertheless, i still headed to 85 market and eat bak chor mee & oyster omelette.

i always love the food there.

so about choir.

i was really affected. during practice and during service. i kept praying to God. because i was really distracted by someone next to me. she got on my nerves. but i kept praying that i wldn't be distracted. i'll be able to cast all these distractions to him, and worship him joyfully. which i eventually did! AMEN!

but i'm still annoyed at her. SIGH.

i don't know what to do bout her at all.

i think sometimes i tend to get a lil too proud. and i know that's really bad.

so God deal with me please.

i want to be humble.

ok. back to doing work.

loves.

btw, next 5 days will be spent doing projects overnight.

pray for strength & endurance & patience.

and also my month of August is more than i can bear. i'll be definitely overworking myself.

i'm packed with mp, final exams and choir training all at the same time.

God, i pray that you see my labour for you. and that you'll just bless me with the strength to not give up, and continue doing my best for everything that i do. Lord, i pray that i'll be patient with everything i'm doing, with people around me. help me manage my anger well too.

Lord, i pray for your blessing. i pray that there'll always be someone around me that i can rely on. i love you so so much.

In jesus's name i pray, AMEN.

tampines mart ):

second night in a row.
i'm really so exhausted now.

recently, i seem to get annoyed at jeff pretty much.
probably when both parties are just so exhausted, they become so much less sensitive.
and that's where friction is caused and ta-dah! conflict arises.

i'm sorry. so so sorry.
i'm so so tired.
there's choir at 10am.
and im meeting the girlfriends.
then back to church to meet jeff at around 8pm


i need strength. prayers please.
loves.

overnight projects

i am at Tampines Mart Mcdonald's again.

of course, i am exhausted. but major project has to be done somehow right?!

hmmm. currently researching on flash ):
so difficult to try implement flash in ASP.NET sighh.

God, grant me wisdom and source codes soon please. i need it (:

btw, i spent the last few hours with annette & emily.
i always enjoy their company more than ever.

lovelove girlfriends (:

afraid

7th August 2007

i'm afraid of hearing about the loss of someone.
when i heard news bout his dad.
i was shaken.
i know the pain of losing.
i know how it felt.

that similar feeling just flooded back all at once.
how everyone left me on that one fine day.
how i was left alone.
so i held back my tears in school.

i told jeff i wanted to be there for him as he support him
but in actual fact, i wished he could be there with me.
how selfish i am.
how pathetic i am.

i don't want to ask why.
i don't want to ask why people have to pass on.
i don't dare to ask why either.

now i know, later at the wake,
i've to be strong and not let my emotions get over me.
it's so weird when i'm not so close to him or his dad.
and i'm upset about it.
i guess, i'm still afraid of hearing bout the loss of someone.

i'm at lost. i don't know who to speak to.
because whatever i'm feeling now, to others are nonsense. ):

many many thoughts

4th August 2007

i love, i love, i love you so much.

Yesterday, i had an awesome day.
struggled within myself whether to help Darren with his assignment.
and then i decided to help him. but i didn't help him 100% though.
i still felt that if i'm doing it for him, then its not helping him.
so i only helped him with skeleton codes.
hmm. i hope that's good enough because yesterday was his submission date.

then i left for MP briefing. MP briefing was a killer.
i've so much stuff to do now in the next two and a 1/2 week.
i don't know how am i going to get through it.
i only pray that God will just pull me through.
shall post my schedule for my own convenience.

these are the times i'm going to do my project with my group

6 Aug Monday: 6pm onwards to midnight/next morning
- Sending of screenshots to Benson
- Coding for Rooney's part
- Solve all the loopholes for the web

7 Aug Tuesday: 11am - 4pm, 8.30pm onwards
- Meet Rooney to do the coding
- Coding/Debugging with group
- work on windows application

8 Aug Wednesday 3pm-6pm
- Coding/Debugging
- Windows App
- Meeting with supervisor

9 Aug Thursday (National Day) 10 pm to next morning
- integration

10 Aug Friday 8pm to next morning
- Group report
- work on appendices

11, 12 Aug
- do individual report at home.

13 Aug 6pm onwards to next morning
- Group report/appendices

14 Aug Tuesday 8.30pm to next morning
- Compilation

15 Aug Wednesday 3pm to midnight
- preparation for powerpoint slides
- video-filming

16 Aug Thursday 10pm to next morning
- powerpoint slides
- video filming

17 Aug Friday (heading from Tampines Mart to School immediately)
- submission of product.

from 20th to 23th Aug, our product launching will be on any of those dates mentioned. and that means more work to be done. 1 hour of presentation ):
and getting people to fill in public rating form - getting students/lecturers to rate our product. whether it's commercial a not.

on the 24th, i'm having my marketing exam paper. which means the only time to study, is every in between, when i'm free.

27th Aug WSAD exam.

30th Aug ECSA exam. (i need plenty of time to prepare for this paper, because i've to do research for it. there are no notes on it yet)

Queen, if you're reading this. keep me in prayer. (: i need strength! haha.

this is the ultimate stress i'm feeling. although i've been reassuring myself that God will pull me through. i'm still very overwhelmed by the workload. i'll still press on and do my best.


********************************************

yesterday night.
i had the most amazing & sweetest & romantic night that i never had before.
we went to Gelare to collect Esther & my pay.
then we headed to ECP hongkong cafe. (:

the food was great as usual.
both of us decided to go sit by the beach. [jeffrey alway tells me he never like beaches]
until much later then i found out why he never like going beaches anymore.
well, both of us just sat at the rocks. and listened to my MP3. worship songs, emo songs. happy songs. all kind of songs. we sat at the rocks for close to 3 whole hours. hoho.

spent so much time talking to each other bout our lives. the things he's been through. the girls. hahahahaha. i'm always interested in hearing those stories, though at point of times, i get a lil jealous. haha. but better than not knowing anything right! haha.

so, i also talked to him bout myself. bout my sec school days. bout everything.
and at that most amazing point of time, i felt so comforted with him being with me.
of course, i want to stand up again. of course i do not want to be sorrowful all my days.
but wait and see okay, i'll be the most joyful girl soon (:

anyway, i never really get to chat with him the way we chatted last night.
because both of us were always so busy. it was just so hard to really talk.
but last night, it was a really good & amazing opportunity to just sit side by side and hear each other speak.

and i thank God with all my heart, that i've found someone who would love me. who would really care for me the way i wanted him to. i've found that someone who would give me all that i needed.

and so, i told him. even if i'm only 1% in your heart. that's enough. (actually, there were tears in my eyes. because i was touched and thankful) but he replied, out of all the girls out there, you take up 80%. i told him, that's enough for me.

actually, i know that his attention span is very short. if he stops loving me one day, if he falls in love with another one, my only choice would be to let him go. and i told him, i wouldn't beg you to stay by my side. because that's not smth i would do. it would only make myself seem so much pathetic. so if that day comes, i'll let you go.

but you know, in my heart. i can already feel the aching pain inside.
like what Esther told me, i've to hold on things loosely on earth. i am afraid of losing because i lost before. but i should still be brave and be able to face losing smth again.
i am lost in my thoughts now.

i'm overwhelmed by the conversation we had last night.
with joy, with a lil of sorrow. but no matter what, i still want to thank God for walking with me. for bringing me to this day. for pulling me up each time i fall.
and with all these,

i pray that jeffrey, he will come to understand me more as each day passes.
that he'll understand why i react differently to things at time. i pray that he'll learn to accept me for who i really am. and that i'll accept him for who he really is.
i pray that even if i know that i cannot be compared to those girls who he really loved before, i'll be someone who is worthy of his love. i pray that i'll be healed from all the past unresolved issues one day. and that i'll be his pillar of support each time he needs me.
thankyou Jesus. for bringing me to this point of my life. thankyou for every situation that i've been in. amen.

my post has been long. but a post that's worth posting.
qiqi, press on. and be strong irregardless of whatever the situation is (:

God loves me. and you too. and everyone too

hoho. ECSA Presentation PBL3

2nd August 2007

getting ready for presentation now.with 66 slides.
haha.amazing right.my class is getting all hyped out.
lol.today im a lil more happy. maybe because no more rain.
i love the sun shining down on me.
it makes me feel so much more lively. (:

loves.

a good 2.4 km run.

1st August 2007

so i decided to declare my blog address to my other best friend; ina.
i just felt so bad keeping something from her ):
that aside; i went for 2.4km jog today!

haha. 18 whole minutes! ):
that's so slow. my stamina is so so bad.
takes time to train up though.
i always cough like mad after running. and my back always hurts. don't know why. someone please tell me its just normal?
but my brother & jeff doesn't seem to have this kinda problem. is it because i used to have asthma? -.-

okay anyway went for dinner. and jeff & i proceeded to play monopoly.
hahaha. and i won again. (: wheeees. i've skills okay!

haha. swimming anyone? haha. and and. i finally talked to ESTHER! wayyy to gooo! haha. (:

loveloves.

im so happy. ok i sound abit retarded but nvm!
i think my days are starting to get better. i need to find my time back with God though. really.
although i'm beaten by a lot of things in life, but wanting to press on just makes me feel so much better. i feel the strength of God in me (:

i've been a very bad example in school. when it comes to projects i've been so slack. i owe my apologies to Siti Zarifah ): for cmsk4 and marketing. i've not done my best at all. i've not contributed much at all. just because i'm too tired and lazy to care. i've failed to Shine. ):

but not anymore ECSA presentation tmr. i'm just going to do my best!
and for my major project too.
strive on & press on. praise God (:

loves.

WHOOHOO CMSK4 PRESENTATION IS OVER (:

30th July 2007

yesterday was my communication skills presentation.
my classmates said i did well.
comments from Mrs.Ramesh was that, initially she gave me a 9/10 for questions handling. but my marks dropped to 7 afterward, after i answered a few more questions. ): but i guess, thank God i still did well overall (:

hmm. so, WSAD down.
Marketing down.
i'm left with final MP evaluation, Brochure submission & ECSA presentation!
down down down.
faster down. haha.

btw, i met ina for dinner yesterday.
i still didn't tell her much.
but well, just talked randomly and eat. (:
pay check coming soon (:

loves.

my own personal space; away from the prying eyes.

29th July 2007

my personal space. after closing down the other blog.
perhaps only queen will know my blog url.
*winks but shhh. keep it low-profile. haha. no one is supposed to know i still blog.

i cannot get over not blogging, afterall i still need a space where i can pen down thoughts.

i just reached home. read ina's blog and i felt this aching in my heart. ):
sigh. what can i do.
the more she stays closer to me, the more i seem to be hurting her.
God, i'm at the extreme. feeling weary. but i want to press on.

i don't want to give up at all.
i just want to heal.
heal from all the wounds in my heart.
i just want to be strong and not cry anymore.
i always feel that no one can understand me. Lord,


do you sense the insecurity in me?
do you sense my helplessness and hopelessness when i always feel that i'm an "extra" ?
do you sense my loneliness and sorrow?

Lord, i want to get rid of all these. i want to remain joyful always and always. please, help me to help myself . help me to get rid of all these pain. on the lighter note, i went for combined cell outing just now. i didn't really interact with the other cell much prolly because i don't feel comfortable. hmm. went to see aaron's performance at heeren. it was good.

haha blog again later. cs is at my house doing project now. (:

BLOG CLOSE

decided to close down the blog. (:

i think, its a wake up call.

i love blogging though. haha. but nvm.

i'll still read all of your blogs!

loves.

i'm so careless with words ):
really.

i don't even mean what i said in my last entry.
oh man, i'm so so sorry if it made you guys misunderstood.
well, from the starting i felt so terrible to be seperated from lynette and timothy. because i thought i'll be able to do even better with them.
but as time really passes, i realized im doing smth that i'm good at. designing web.

its just that until that day, when alan said those stuff. i was kinda taken aback. i didn't know how to react. i felt so useless as a leader. and many many times, i'll just say things or complain and i know it annoys you all. and i just tend to get the feeling im not welcomed. after all, alan and you are close as part-time bfs/gfs. and rooney is alan's friend. get the drift. from the starting, we weren't supposed to be in the same group. but we just were grouped together.

i didnt imagine i would be the leader. but somehow i was just the leader. 3 weeks is just the time that i can drop my burden off my shoulders. i really have no leadership skill and i don't like to lead! haha. i'm really sorry.
just don't misunderstand my words please (:

loves.

oh Lord,
im just a weakling, a nobody who have not learnt how to stand up or to defend myself.
if im going to carry on in this manner, who's ever gonna give me respect in future.
you said to love myself. but is it really possible?
im really angry and hurt this time round.
why when i always decided to make the best out of something, things always have to turn around and give me a slash across my heart?

its not fair to me either.
):




im tired, really tired.
go ahead and report me in that peer evaluation. tell her that im not doing work. just go ahead.
there's a limit that i can take now.
i'm really upset this time round. enough is enough.
don't think that you can walk over my head just because im a weakling.




sigh. ina where are you? i need to rant.
tears just kept rolling just now. and i can't stop it now either.
i hate major project now. ):

God bless me please.

learning to live with it. is crushing me.
learning to live with her, its demoralizing me.
learning to live with my life, im weary.

God, will you save me? will you rescue me?
from all burdens, will you carry me through?

instead of asking will he? its time i start believing that i need not ask. but He'll. because He loves me so much. so so much more than man's love.
heart-breaking.
the sermon today was like millions of arrows pointing towards me. it was as if God was questioning me. i just felt my heart ache. and it ache non-stop.

Lord, what have i done? is this how i want to lead the rest of my life? is this how i really want to live ? i don't. as a matter of fact, i really want to start living joyfully with your joy.

dear has been really sweet today. after the scolding & all. although i was really tearing at all, but the things he does simply made me so so touched.
he said something like, "look towards your future, your future is me. Be strong, don't be so frail. you have to learn to take care of yourself and not let things hurt you."
and the strumming of his guitar, playing worship songs. singing to calm my heart down.
everything, i thankyou. thankyou polar. (:

so at least, i've smth happy to speak bout after this whole day.
seriously, time to wake up from the wallowing in sorrows. because the wounded will end up wounding people. and no, i don't want that to happen. i can't bear to see anyone get hurt because of my ownself.

after my semester end, i'll go look for mandy again i guess. cause i've so much issues to deal with. slowly one by one, i'll get healed. i know it.
that is my goal for now to work towards to.
before i want to make plans for future to reach out to people, i must first be healed.

Lord, this is my inner most desire now.
to be happy. to be healed. to have good family relationships. to be able to live life with joy. to be able to draw closer to you. to be able to reach out to the people in need. to be able to draw people into your kingdom as well.
i pray, you'll give me strength to go through this few weeks, before i seek help again.
Lord, i pray that your presence will always be with me through the loneliness in school, through the emptiness in life, through the hurts im facing, through the burdens im carrying.
Lord carry me through. i know things will turn out well. i still want to give thanks for everything. every situation/scenario i'm in now, i want to thankyou. because through this, once again i experience your faithfulness.
in Jesus's name i pray, Amen