welcoming the year 2010

one year flew by so quickly.
in 2 days time, we've to bid the year 2009 goodbye.

I'm really thankful i pulled through.
glad that the year is ending off so well for me.
when i thought i would not pull through, I managed to survived!
Praise God for that (:

This year was an exceptionally special year for me. Being through all the trials have made me a stronger person.
thank God for His grace and mercy upon me.

(:

finally, I've found you.

i spent my whole life pinning away for you.
now that you're infront of me, what's next?

my heart grasped each time i think of you. what should I do now?
to pursue or not to pursue? I missed you so much.

Each time, i think of you and everyone else back then as a child, my tears flow continuously.
Even in my dreams, I missed you. Even in my dreams, I cry out for you.
now, what should I do?

please tell me.

my reflection of year 2009

I haven't been blogging for very long. It had been close to 5 months that I've stopped blogging.

Recently, just after the worship gathering which I had, I began to reflect upon this one year.

this year, 2009 has not been the greatest year for me. This year, I see friends of mine all settling down in their schools and at work. But for me, it has been trials after trials. obstacles after obstacles.

to be honest, my ministry went downhill. my personal spiritual life dropped to its lowest at certain points of my life. this year had been bad.
to be brutal, this is one of my worst year of my whole 21 years of life.

from January to June, I tasted what it was like to be out of job. I tasted what it was like to be desperate. Through the first six months, I lowered my expectations tremedously. I submitted to just working at a bakery in the morning, and tuition in the afternoon. I was wallowing in my sorrows for awhile. There wasn't a day where I would stop worrying. But through this six months, the Lord had shown me His grace. He provided for my every physical need.

In this year 2009, I had lost a lot of self esteem and confidence. The chatty me was no longer as chatty before. Deep in my heart, i was straying away. And i often asked myself, "Does anyone know that i'm straying away?"
For the first six months, it had been terror, tears, brokenness. Dad fell seriously ill. there were so much tears and struggles. Even in my ministry in choir, i was often crying out to God, help me, save me, save my dad. help me, i'm so tired. what else can i do Lord? you are the God i worship, surely you'll do smth for me. surely you'll help me.
It was so tough. even as i look at it now, i still feel frighten.

I finally found a job in the month of june. Jeff wasn't with me at that time. the month of june was one of the worst month that i could ever endure. no doubt there were good things, but bad things happened non-stop. I didn't feel like going out to face the world anymore. I felt like hiding in my homely shell and stop meeting people. I didn't want to meet anyone anymore. My pillar of support wasn't there with me.
But somehow, God answered my prayers. My dad was healed. a job was found.

the next 4 months had been slightly better. I began to learn techniques and skill in teaching. my confidence grew with much affirmation from my boss. I began to feel better each day after teaching the children. occassionally, i would stumble and fall because of parent's feedback. but i soon learnt to pick myself up and try again. i had learnt so much from my boss. my spiritual life did grow to its peak.

but it dropped to a bottomless pit when i was enticed by temptations. I spent two months at another major crossroads. now, i've finally got things more or less sorted out. and i really thank God for placing good leaders and advisors around me. I began to learn more about Jeffrey and about myself in these 2 months.

This year, i feel different. I feel more matured after going through so much of the ordeal. Life would no longer be the same for me. I've been hurt several times, even until today i have a phobia of what had happened. I cannot be natural anymore. I feel like I've become a hypocrite in many ways. I am unable to just be myself anymore. Infront of certain people, I've learnt to act as if i'm another. And sometimes i really feel very drained.

Today Jeff asked me a question. he said this question is to test my spiritual growth.
He asked me, "What is Jesus Christ to you?"

I replied " Jesus is my anchor. Without Jesus, I'll never be here the person I am today. He saved me from the darkest hour of my life. No one can ever understand Jesus and the concept of love more than me. Because I never had, I never received this love, I was able to understand the love of Jesus from a very young age. People who are wealthy, who are shelthered by their parent's love will find it harder to grasp this concept of love. but people who had lived in emptiness will cling on to Jesus's love so much that they can never let go."

and if you think through it, it is so true. who can understand this love more than me?
who can truely understand how touching Jesus's love is?
when u feel that you have nothing, Jesus is your everything.

and to me, Jesus is my everything. No Jesus is equivalent to No me.

Thus, no matter how bad, how broken i had been in this year, i thank the Lord. For every second and minute of my darkest hour, the Lord had never left me. not even a step away. He had been here patiently, reaching out to me, touching my heart.i thank the Lord for his goodness.

this year 2009 is coming to an end soon. I sincerely pray that i'll grow a tad stronger in the coming year.

(:

I do have some time on hand now before I go on to work, so I thought I'll just come in and blog abit. (:

I am really amazed at how God is working in my life, amazed at the miracles He has performed again and again and i'm even more thankful than amazed!
But, sometimes i really feel that i'm not doing my best yet. I feel like probably there's another 10-20% more that i've to put in more effort to fill that gap.
I don't know how to put it all down in words here probably because it's rather sensitive when it comes to work.

Hmm. I haven't been taking pictures at all! ):
I don't have much time to meet up with friends at all. I start work at 2pm. I end work earliest at 8.30pm, latest at 10.30pm. It's so difficult to meet up with friends this way.

I finally met up with Dorcas though, had a great time of catch up. updating her with what i'm doing, how's my spiritual life and etc. and I could just see her smile again and again. The feeling is like a mother being proud of her daughter. Dorcas is more than a friend to me, She's a sister and a mother. She is not near my age at all. And she's a great mentor. Someone whom I can really be transparent too. I thank God for bringing both of us together.

I remembered when i first joined choir, I didn't know anyone. But only after a few months, then i began to know Dorcas. and since then, she has pampered me, disciplined me out of love (:

Anyway, I'm enjoying my work at the tuition centre. I enjoy teaching them. although at times, it can be alil draining, but i really am satisfied with what i am doing.
Thursdays are really draining. but i've a BIG God. so i know i'll pull through and teach well.
(:

I'm so blessed.
so blessed.
are you?

busy, but well satisfied.

i have been so busy, busy & busy.
hahaha.

actually, not really. i've been simply lazy to update.
basically i work full days on every tues, wed, thurs and sats.
and i get the whole monday/friday off. (:

when i'm not working, i'm playing.
when i'm working, i really do my best.
so that's basically it.

life with God has been very good. infact extremely good (:

was able to meet up with ina.
emily had left for switzerland early this month.
annette is going bangkok on monday.
met jingying in church. invited her to join LFC.
meeting dorcas on monday.

so that's basically it.
i'm too lazy to update.haha.

(: off to work.

some memories

I chanced across a blog that brings back memories of the past. I remember going through a lot of emotions at that time; a lot of hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness and depression.

As I came across that blog, I took some time to digest the words written in it. It was written a while ago, yet I chanced upon it. I imagined if I had read that particular post a few years back then, how much more challenging it will be for me to snap out of it and change myself to who I am now.

I wonder if they know that I'm no longer the same idiotic person as before. I wonder if they know that I've changed under the strong transformation from God. I wonder if they know that now, I'm learning to care more for others and less for myself.

In the past, we had too many misunderstandings. I thought that you ditched me and you thought that I wasn't worth it. I wondered if you really knew how i was coping with everything. I wondered if at that time, as my best friend, you knew how i was feeling all the time. But then I realised, you never did and you never will.

It seems that God has make it such a way that we'll never cross our paths again. I wonder if there will be an opportunity when we can all sit down face to face and remincse the past, and talk through it. Of course, I know that what has pass, has passed and I should have let go but I wish I could make up for the lost.

As I read through the blog, I realised you are still going through so much of the emotional rollercoaster. And I see the difference in both your's and my world. God has made such a big impact in my life, that I'm able to step out of the whole rollercoaster issue, deep down in my heart, I wish it was the same for you. I wish and sincerely hope that you can be happy, can be joyful and come back to the arms of Christ who loved you so deeply first.


You are one of the best story of my life but also the worst story of my life.
What a contradiction.

I still think of you, pj. so much. God bless you and I pray that you'll find true joy in this life of yours that you may continue to walk through this journey with His strength and boldness.

(:




Yesterday, I had an intensive mahjong session. haha.
slept quite late last night and I still have 2 tuition lessons!

Just a short update: My dad's operation went smoothly. Praise God (:

been busy!

I have not blogged for a long while due to the training at a tuition centre.
Five days a week, I have been giving classes on my own and at the tuition centre.

I can predict that from July onwards to be extremely hectic for me!
Last week, I came back from a Young Adult Church Camp at Melaka. It had been a blast! Although I didn't had time to shop, I still enjoyed myself throughly.
It is really the company that I am with which makes me enjoy the camp !

My dad will be going for his operation on Friday. Please do keep him in your prayers. Prayers are greatly appreciated.

Today, Jeffrey gave me this bulldog soft toy which was gave by one of his friend long time ago. I took this bulldog wherever I went. I sat infront of Puggy, and started petting the bulldog, telling the bulldog, "Good girl." I kept pretending the bulldog was a real dog and started petting the head and stroking the tummy. Puggy got very jealous over the soft toy and she even tried to snap at the bulldog! When I was not looking, She jumped up the sofa and bit the bulldog. What a hilarious scene. This goes to show that Puggy can be jealous too! Cute!


Sleeping soon!

a brand new day

it's you that i really love afterall.
many words can be said, many things can be done, many hurts can be inflicted. but beneath all these, my heart goes all out to you. loving you as a friend, looking up to you, and you mean just so much to me.
i'm so sorry, and i still love you so much (:



yesterday, had a great time rollerblading. haha. will upload photos maybe later at night or tmr.
afterthat was shopping then dinner, then mahjong again!
haha.

well,well.
today i'll be going to the tuition centre for my first day of training. happy and excited. hehe.
there are a lot of things that i keep telling myself to remember, to take note of.
i hope all these will help me, not only in my career but also my spiritual life.
(:

last day of fun.

today is the last day, i'm allowed to go out and play.
after today,

i'll put all my focus on my career as a tutor. the tuition centre i'm going to work at somehow is also a ministry to do God's work. so from tmr onwards, i want to do my best to fulfil my purpose in this world.

the worries and burdens on my shoulders, i don't want them to distract me from my destiny and purpose of my life.
as for her, who i've been hurt so much by, i'll forgive her.

i'm so tired.
really tired from all the sleepless nights. tmr, will be a new start of my life.
i want to learn to trust God, put all my trust in him, as i bless others, i hope to receive healing as well, just as michael ross watson told me. that's my only route to healing. the reason why things happen to me is so that i can reach out to others.

tmr is a brand new day.
enjoy myself today as much as i can.
then forget bout all that had happen these 6 months.


on a happier note, jeffrey is coming home on friday midnight (:
i can already imagine me, just running to him, and letting out all that i've kept within me these 3 weeks. crying out all the pain, struggles that i've been pressing on when he's not around.



you are the one that mean so much to me, girl.

you never know.

my heart aches so much when i see you.
and now, i just dread so much to just be where you are.
everything goes wrong.

you never seem to care.

happy, are you happy?

FRIDAY.

i finally went to rebond my hair (:
the process of doing it :


you can see my hairstylist at the back, abit blurred. haha. he's nice. -.-

my new hair cut, i love it (:

anyway,
we decided to hold emily's farewell after my rebonding hair session. also, we wanted to celebrate all our 21st birthday way in advance together. therefore, we booked the pit, bought the food and stuff. and we went to pasir ris park (:

the nice, yummilious birthday cake from four leaves.

three of us. with our love dogs. annette is holding pinky, emily is holding waggy, and of course puggy is with me. pinky&waggy belongs to warren. (:

happy birthday (:
8 years of friendship; still counting.

i wonder what we prayed, or ask for. haha.

blowing the candles.

after the bbq, we headed to warren's place for mahjong again. i have to stop play mahjong!
it's quite tiring after mahjong, and it's really bad for my spiritual life. plus, next week, i'm starting work. so i can't play anymore!

haha.

waiting for time to fly, before i head to pasir ris mrt to meet shermaine, then cab down to andrews & jessie's place (:

lots of fun.

met up with the girls & warren for some sing-a-long session at teo heng. haha, it's my 3rd time there in a month.
enjoying it the fullest now

blurred ):

emily sings!

emily & annette sings together.

my beloved puggy -.-

yesterday, i met up with the tuition centre's manager. things are going quite well for me. Praise God! after 6 months of struggling with what to do and just persevering on with prayers, i make it through! although i do not have a fixed salary or anything like that. but i know that since i'm doing God's work, God will provide! (:

Thank God!

Next week, i'll be starting the training at the tuition centre as to how to teach and stuff like that.

the faster i pick up the skills, the sooner i can start classes and get some money rolling in (:

and, yesterday was another mahjong session where emily and i kept losing like crazy -.-

both warren&annette won, love unity wins huh?

-.-

but it ended earlier than expected because my nose started reacting funny, sneezed non-stop until now, i'm still sniffing! feel so apologethic to all of them. they left early because of me ):

sensed abit of displeasure too, but i know you all will forgive me. (: haha.

tmr, i'll be rebonding my hair with emily. then, we'll have bbq as emily's farewell before she leaves for switzerland and also celebrating 3 of our 21st birthday way advance (:

lovelove.

will update with more pictures!

what a day (:

i still miss him!
but it's really quite true, i'm starting to get more used to it now. i don't bawl over him like every now and then. and everything is just falling into place nicely, keeping me well occupied.

these are the girls i practically grew up with. (:

yesterday, met them up after tuition. had cartel. forgot to take pictures again ):

anyway, we decided to play mahjong in my squeezy room without a mahjong table, it still worked out well, but would be better if there's a mahjong table! haha.

we played till 5.30am. was really exhausted by then. after they left, i immediately zonked out ):

this week is busy,busy,busy!

ktv on wednesday again with annette&emily. haha.

downs and ups.

Saturday, 23 May

yesterday morning was really tiring, heart wretching, lots of guilt and shame.

just when i thought that i just couldn't find the energy to smile anymore, i realized that i'm very blessed with friends who were able to make me smile naturally.

went for joanne's 21st birthday yesterday night. it was really hot and warm! haha.

but i guess meeting up with my poly schoolmates was really fun. honestly, i never really thought that i would be able to talk to them, or that our "frequency" will match or whatsoever.

but after meeting up yesterday, i never regretted my decision.

all of a sudden, i just decided to open up myself to making friends again. give myself a chance to know people more, giving people a chance to step into my world.

eversince don't know when, i always had a wall blocking people from stepping in, i only mix with people my heart allowed. but right now, i'm learning to open up to others.

(:

Sunday, 24 May

today, was on duty for ushering. the second time ushering already. it's quite easy to get about it.

it was an awkward morning for me. i just had mixed feelings bout stuff.

but i guess, soon after lunch, things started to get better and better. i thank God for that.

today sermon was all about unanswered prayers.

there are times when i feel so discouraged bout my prayers never getting answered. but today i was so encouraged. and i felt God just speaking to me, telling me that he has been hearing my prayers. and through all these difficult times, he has been there, and he knows what i'm going through, the pain i'm experiencing, the fears and stuff.

i was so touched by God that i just stood there shaking and crying out to him. letting God do the healing in me.

lunch was good (: then someone mentioned ktv again impromptu. haha. -.-

so we headed to teo heng. it was like abi's first time in ktv. haha.

it's so cheap!

i forgot to take pictures ):

anyway, after that another impromptu suggestion was to go home and get changed, then head to east coast park. so clayton, and his friend, and shaun jogged, whereas christine cycled and i blade.

i think though this two impromptu event, i managed to get my spirits back. and also, feel much better about fellowship with christine.

eversince, jeffrey left for taiwan. things has been happening one after another. it left me heart broken, left me in so much pain, so much fear. but something that comforts me is that, i know i'm growing stronger through every single event.

i learnt plenty of things in this tough journey. and i know i'm not alone.. i have wonderful friends supporting me every now and then.

thankyou, my friends. for being there for me always.

i also learnt that true friends are the one who tells you the truth always, though it may hurt so much initially, but then it's only because they hope the best for you.

thankyou christine. everything spoken on the phone, just means so much to me. (:

thankyou ina, for always understanding me even before i speak, for always being able to make me smile and feel so much motherly love. (haha)

thankyou lfc, your jokes always makes me laugh non-stop (:

many many thanks. (:

on a random note, i miss jeffrey. HAHA

difficult times; God is good.

i miss this boy so much.

had a long talk this morning with him, a really good talk (:

daddy has been discharged. but, he has to go back to the hospital next week again.

i really pray that it isn't cancer or anything like that.

just when i start to love him, appreciate him, i pray he won't be taken away from me like that.

you know, it's so hard to face all this pain, yet force myself to smile, play games, have fun. but yet, i have to do it all the time. i'm full of fears, yet i'm still playing away happily.

i don't know why i'm typing all these random stuff. but i'm just hurting as usual.

my dad's condition, myself, you. i just don't know what to do.

talked an hour long on the phone with christine.

somehow, God is teaching me new things through people, through situations. especially when baby is not around, this is the best time for me to absorb things.

i'm so zonked out now.

& i think i owe a few people apologies.

hmmmm.

on a happier note,

happy birthday joanne! (:

will see you later at your party

(i don't think you'll see this, but oh well)

a disastrous day

daddy was hospitalised the day before.
he has been pooing out loads of blood. he's still in hospital today, not sure yet when he can be discharged.

bad incident #1
yesterday, i had the intention to go visit him. so i went with my mom.
in a rush, i left my phone at home. after reaching whitesands. i told my mom to go ahead, so i took the same bus back home, to get my phone. i was afraid jeff couldn't contact me (esp he's in taiwan now) and also, i haven't informed my tuition student i could not make it for tuition.

and when i got home, i had missed jeff's call already.

bad incident #2
i reached novena, but my mom told me to come down to toa payoh instead, she said don't have to visit daddy. later on then visit, she pulled me along to some karaoke with all her old friends. which is smth i definitely hate, and do not enjoy.
my purpose was to visit my dad, not play and have fun like this. i was so upset.
so i left, on my own.

bad incident #3
i waited very long for a bus, more than 1/2 an hour. anyway, i got up the bus, when the bus just turned into tampines area, it broke down.

bad incident #4
i thought to myself when i finally reach my void deck, thank God i'm home.
i used my key to unlock the door, but...
the door could not unlock! i tried and tried. i called my mom and brother, but they were not free!
after trying for 20 mins, my key got stuck. and after the whole day of event, i just cried outside my door.
i called ina, and started crying over the phone, telling her how miserable my day was.

bad incident #5
i left my keys at the door, without thinking of taking out the metal grill key. i headed for jeffrey's house to visit puggy instead. after being at his house for no more than 15 mins, my mom called.
she scolded me for leaving the metal grill keys outside, she told me to walk back immediately to get the keys, then walk back to jeff's place. it was so terrible to have to walk that long distance to and fro. so i brought puggy out.

bad incident #6
it started to drizzle and rain! ):


that was my whole day.
i felt so exhausted. so tired, especially when my pillar of support is just not here. i couldn't lean on him and cry. i couldn't do anything. everything was helpless.
my dad. i don't know what's wrong, i only know, things has worsen quite a lot from a few months back, i'm kind of living in fear. but, i do not know what to do anymore.
but to trust God. trust in God and be still .



p.s thanks ina for helping me stay calm over the phone yesterday,i do appreciate it so much (:

photos!

this picture was when puggy and i just came back from a walk, she immediately lie down and did not get up anymore. haha. puggy is so lazy. :/

everytime after lying down, you call puggy's name, she'll stretch. jeffrey and i will always say in a cute puggy voice, "haiyo, stretching stretching arh" then she'll wag her tail and look at us! adorable baby.

hmmm, thinking of her love.

puppy eyes!

i'm loving my puggy more and more. oh man, she reminds me so much of jeffrey.

sometimes, it amazes me how both of them are so similar in terms of habits, character. but one is a dog, the other a man -.-

KTV with LFC.
christine called to ask me out for ktv yesterday evening..
haha, it was so last minute. it was said that Clayton needed to destress. but in actual fact,
Clayton said he wanted to "xa ji" meaning slaughter chicken(singing). christine didn't manage to get what he said. she thought he really wanted to kill some things and needed to destress.
haha. joke.

secrets uncovered! christine is a great singer! hahaa. for me, i've simply thrown choir's face. HAHA. i'm too scared. i told her, next time we going ktv, tell me earlier, i'll go earlier. like 4 hours earlier, i'll book a room, sing and practice as much as i can, then go with them.

hahaha -.-

3 weeks without you

jeff left yesterday for Taiwan. hmm.

i feel so weird today without jeff. cause normally, sundays are always spend in church together, then lunch by ourselves or with my cell, then time with puggy and his parents, dinner with them as well.

so it's just so weird without him.

:/

come back soon baby, safely in one piece. i love you lots.

(:

bad things, good things

when we go through bad things, there's a bitterness in it, but somehow God always wants the best for us, so then comes the good things which brings sweetness.

recently, i've been so exhausted. not through working or whatsoever, but in my spiritual life.
dad is falling sick every now and then. things are not going smoothly for me, and sometimes, i just want to call out for a break.

but somehow, as i try to gather myself and sit down and spend time reading dailybread, everyday God speaks to me directly regarding issues. and peace fills my heart.
i really thank God for all the good things he has done for me.


yesterday, i went swimming with annette and emily, the jacuzzi was great! haha.
then steam bath which i don't appreciate, it was too hot, i couldn't breathe! then, we went to nihon mura for the buffet which has free flow of sashimi! haha, it was good!
they came to my place to play mahjong and monopoly.
didn't really win much at mahjong. haha. my tiles were lousy, lousy and super lousy!
):

i'm waiting for jeff now, because puggy stayed over at my place last night, so we've to send her home later. (:
i'm so glad somehow that things are cleared up. (:

puggy's my life (:

this is puggy (:
haha, she's so fantastic!



anyway, i'm at home down with a flu.
these few days have been great though. the revelation God has given me, i'm so thankful for it (:
i need to rest!

i just wanted to upload puggy's photo.
her birthday was on saturday (:
one years old already.
oh how i love you my dearest sweetheart (:

i'm waiting for NIE notice!
): taking so long.