unhappy people all over the place.

recently, i realized that a lot of people around me are unhappy. or, i realised if i were to ask, "are you happy?" 80% will tell me no. and this 80% of the people are people who do not know christ. or have not accepted christ.

most of the people i know, seem to be finding faults with everything. there is no peace to be found in their heart. there are those who numb themselves, there are those who bear grudges over every single things, there are those who fill their days with criticism of others. on the surface, they may be smiling, laughing after making comments bout random people. but deep down, are they happy? does it make you happy to criticize some one that passes by you who is dressed funnily? does it makes you really happy to gossip about he or she?
i really wonder.

i really feel sad for all this people. as much as i try to reach out, it seem that there is a limit to what i can do. afterall, i am just a tool for God. if their hearts are hardened, no matter what i say, nothing will go through.

i have many catholic friends. yes, they believe in God, they believe in Jesus. but how many of them, really follow the bible. or i may even ask, how many of them reads the bible? and out of the many who goes to church every sunday, how many of them shows christ character in them?
im disappointed.
disappointed in those who calls themselves a christian. yet their ways are so wrong. i cannot name names here. i'll offend so many. but deep in my heart, i become judgemental. because they are not what i expect them to be, i find it difficult to interact with them anymore.

Father, deal with me please. i pray that i'll be able to open up my heart to all this people and bring them back to the right track. no matter how difficult it'll be. Father i pray that i'll be able to do with your strength, Amen.

i have a good friend who is rather annoying at times. i don't know whether the problem lies with me or her. the things she say or does sometimes irritates me. there are plenty of times, when she's rather insensitive. each time , i feel annoyed, i tend to just ignore her. but i know things cannot carry on this way. i love her as my friend. really do. i pray that God will teach her. will change her. i pray that she'll grow spiritually with God. really. that's from the bottom of my heart. i definitely wish the best for her. really.

there are too much to be said. sigh.
im kind of disappointed with plenty of people.
God, i pray that you'll take away the disappointment in me, and that i may be able to face each and everyone of them again with an open heart.
Amen.


loveloves.

tired.tired. although it was only a short day of work. but i had stomach cramps the whole day. so i was practically dying. and trying to fight the coldness was difficult. was shivering all the while.

yesterday. i went to work till 3pm + then went back home and change. then i went out again to church! im in camp com as admin. and im kinda happy. i was praying for a sign from God whether i should join yc camp as a leader. but i waited and there was no sign. then jeffrey ask me to join camp comm. since they are in need of people also. then i realized why there was no sign. im very very thankful. because it has been my wish to go for church camp again!
thank God.

hahaha. so i'll be busy soon. soon~ but labour for God is good! hahahas.
tmr will be meeting annette&emily. hohoho. love love.
then sunday cell outing! pulau ubin.
im so looking forward to it. pray for good weather, safe trip to&fro, no one will get injured. etc .

okay. i better stop blogging and do some stuff. haha
byeee.

i want to grow to an even higher spiritual level.
i want to grow even more closely to God and walk with him.

its just so awesome to know that when you feel particularly down, you can just sit infront of God and tell him, "Father, i surrender all to you. take away the sorrow, and give me peace."
and before you realized, you find that the hurts has disappeared. and your heart has peace within one again.

i've been praying. praying. my life has been topsy turvy for quite awhile. not as in topsy turvy with other stuffs. but with God. everything has not been right. and its time to make it right again. i really do not know what to say.
i guess its between God and i. but i know its alright now.
really.

i watched esther's video already. it sort of touched me somewhere in my heart. the loneliness portrayed in that video.
some will not know what it means by loneliness. its an empty feeling in your heart that do not bring you anywhere. you can try to search for people to fill this loneliness in you. but i can tell you that humans will fail you. God will not. God will fill this loneliness, this emptiness in you with his love and compassion. whereas humans will never be able to do.

okay. i've to rush. going to jeffrey's mum canteen and work. one hour of work only. then i think i'll come home to slack. or meet yemin. then 6pm i'll go church.
((:
loveloves.


p.s pray for me, my christian friends. that i will not get stuck on my spiritual growth anymore, and move on. that i'll have strength to face each day with smiles.(: loves.

sigh. study study.
okay. i just woke up from my afternoon nap. i studied quite hard today. there's more to come. mugmugmug.

the most interesting thing of the day. well. i quarrelled with my eldest brother. it always happens. but my mom said im in the wrong. even if my brother is wrong in the first place, im still in the wrong. because its wrong for the younger to shout at the older.
well. okay. even if im wrong, im not the least apologethic. really.

he disown me as his sister. and i really don't care. the reason being cause i really don't see a need to respect him. being his sister for so many years, i have never seen him contributing to the family. been always seeing him being rude to my parents. always seeing him scold and shout at people over the phone, always seeing him bring girls back home. and lastly i shall not mention the last part. because its not for you to know.

if, he was like my 2nd brother. who gives me a right to respect him. yes i'll. and i'll love him. but how can i love him? he told me not to talk to him anymore. and he said he don't even want to talk to me or see me at all. well deep down in my heart i was thinking "then why are you speaking to me now" but its a good thing i kept my silence. all he would seriously have whack me. not lying. because i knew he had that urge too. but if he whack me, i seriously would have hit him back. i remember how he slapped me when i was young just because i tore his magazine. like hey. im still young okay!

sigh. gonna take some time to try to exercise forgiveness towards him. i really feel sad for him. because i know he is an unhappy man. because he do not know Jesus. but now, i can't even speak to him. now im not speaking to 2 men in the family. gosh.

im feeling so irritated. with him. withmyself. BLEAH.
whatever lah. i still think its not my fault.
at least i rant it all out. and he packed his bag and left. where. i don't know. and i can't be bothered. i never felt so much against him until like today. i always keep things in my heart. no wonder i exploded. Patience . sigh.

love,
qiqi

hoho.
i've been studying the whole morning. 2 hours only lah. haha.
but its been a long session of reading the notes, understanding. all the words. goodness)):

well, im looking forward to tmr. the last exam paper and the last day of school. God, please get me through everything. & good grades! amen!
for the glory of God. to do my best for Him.

haha.
i have 1 hour and 19 mins more before im going back to complete the last two topics of SWEN. and hurray! no lah. i'll still have to spend the whole day reading more&more. and get it all in my head. miss that boy now. i thought he might be online. but NO?! ))):
he never even smsed me in the morning can! stupidstupid.
haha. but i love him lah.

okay. God bless to those who are having papers today. marketing, technology. hahaha. I got no finance PAPER!! whooohooo!
haha.
okay. God bless Sean, Ina, Haney. and many others.
loveloves..

byeee.

i have been out the whole day.
been to church. cellgroup. and oh yeah. we've a new cell member. shenrae. i kinda like her. haha. got to know her a little bit more. and hey, both she&i came to bbtc with almost the same reason. hahas.

okay. then i spend my whole afternoon with jeffrey. and went for dinner with his family at elias mall. and then i reached the decision of working for his mother during my hols. the pay. don't tell you lah. secret. *winks.

okay. im supposed to go study SWEN. but im a little tired now. so i'll have a good rest. and wake up, say 7am? then i'll mug mug mug till night time. ((: i know i can do it! God will be here with me through out. haha. and weds i'll START WORK. hoho.

i cannot tell you how much i really love being with his family and all. its a warmth heartfelt experience. the love, the laughter shared among one another. really. to me, its the best gift i can ever have. knowing him, knowing his family. everything is still unbelievable. but it had really happened, and i thank God.

and if abigail ever reads my blog, my words to you are be strong in whatever you do. wipe the tears away. and God will be with you. (:

today's Highquest was GOOD. although i couldn't really get what the passage was bout, but hearing the different sharing really blessed me. and yah. im more motivated to do the highquest even more! and i learnt a good lesson. to lean on the Holy Spirit for directions and understanding.

the things i have learnt today are really awesome!
okok. gotta go.
loveloves.

im gonna blog bout the seminar i attended. because i felt that it was really meaningful. and for those who missed it, you can read more from my blog entry today.

FAITH series - Faith, Hope, Patience - by Pastor Benny Ho

FAITH:
Text: Matthew 15:21-28 (go flip your bible)

7 keys to great faith:

1)Faith is focused on Christ
Our focus is not on our faith but rather on the One in whom we are basing our faith on.

Hebrews 12:1,2 - Let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of our Faith

2)Faith is founded on grace
The word "grace" means "unmerited favor" (freely given, not based on merits)

Galatians 5:4,5 - "You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope."
By faith, we wait eagerly.

"Hope is the quiet, steady, confident expectation of good."

Romans 5:5 - "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
God will not let our biblical hope to waste.

Hebrews 6:19 - "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil..."

3) Faith is followed by action
We need to act on Faith.

James 2:14 - "What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?"

James 2:17 - "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
The lack of action proved that Faith was never alive in the first place.
Act in faith, come to Jesus.

4)Faith is finished through patience
The test of waiting.

Hebrew 6:12 - "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Hebrews 10:23 - "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:34,35 - "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly awarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Do not give up, keep pressing on and have persistent faith.

5)Faith must fight off offense

John 6:60-66 (after reading Matthew 15:21-28) - "On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? ... From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him."

Matthew 15:27 - "Yes it is, Lord," she said. "Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table."
She fought off the offense and turn the offense around with great faith.

6)Faith is fueled by love

Galatians 5:6 - "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor un-circumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."
Not how hard or how well you pray, but it is how much you love, you care for the person you pray for.
come by faith and reach out to the person.

7)Faith is the finance of heaven
-see faith as heavenly currency

James 1:7 - "Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord..."

Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:6 - "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Matthew 17:20 - "Truly i tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

i shall carry on with hope and patience tmr. because im tired. hahas.
okay. i hope you learn a lot from this faith series. worth reading. really.

when im bored i blog.
when im unhappy i blog.
when im happy i blog.
when im sick i blog.

man. blog is becoming a habit that one shouldn't have.
i drank coffee. and now i cannot sleep. sigh. and i have to wake up at 7am and i can't sleep now. its bad. really bad.

i blogged three times today. is it too much? i think so. i miss school. miss the people. really. sigh. sigh. sigh.
i think i miss jeffrey more. today he smsed me TWICE and called me ONCE.
haha. count.count.

Select Count(*) from handphone where Jeff_SMS = 2 and Jeff_CALL = 1l
hahahaha. thats for IT students. sigh.
im mad. haha. GIVEME SMTH TO DO RIGHT NOW.

okay. next week, here's my schedule.
monday: study for SWEN
tuesday: SWEN paper then yemin and i have plans to go out.
wednesday: rot at home?
thursday: HIM. i want him&only him.
friday: out with annette&emily.
saturday: CHOIR?
sunday: CHURCH.

hahaha. okay. i think i'll find smth better to entertain myself. im kinda REALLY bored now.
bye.loveloves.

seminar of greater faith.
i think i really learnt a lot. especially when many things somehow just relate to me.
issues about hope and patience. i really thank God i went for the seminar.

hoho. want to see pictures?
Stephanie just sent me. haha.

presentation pictures! ((:







hahaha. honestly, i just woke up. hahaha. and i still don't feel like studying. and i want to say. I DO NOT LIKE SATURDAYS. BECAUSE JEFFREY ALWAYS IGNORES ME ON SATURDAYS!

humph.
nvm.
BYE!!
loveloves hhahaa

im supposedly to be studying now. but i can't really focus. what's there to study for CSAD apart from coding and loads of coding ?
sigh.

im having a very bad backache now. actually recently. sigh. :x
im bored.bored.bored.

miss jeffrey. haha.
okay. just a short post.
loveloves.

met jeffrey today.
happy! like really happy.

then i came home, had a great conversation with emily&annette.
long time since we ever chat like that.
really. (((:

i feel so happy today.
HOHO.

okay. i posted a far too many times. LOL. bye.

Calling out to you people out there who needs a partner to study CSAD or SWEN

tmr in school;
11am SHARP.

drop me a message if you're interested.
loveloves.

meanwhile, Study smart. study WELL!
God bless you!

(:

he's BACK!

hahaha. loveloves.
revamp my blog. and i love the simplicity of it. ARRRR
hahahas.

im gonna meet simon later to mug. stupid codings and all. yikes. but i guess its a win-win situation. cause we can really learn more from each other. he is better than i am at coding. sigh. its hard to find people to study together. cause most people can't study outside. whereas i. i can't study at home, i tend to be distracted.

hmm. and im meeting jeffrey later. finally! haha.
sorry ina. i kept bugging you yesterday. but i had a great conversation with many of you online. haha. loveloves.

takecare. love my blog? yes no? TAG! haha . byee.

GIRLS DAY OUT AT EAST COAST PARK.

FUN&ENJOYABLE

i didn't take pictures using my phone. the pictures are with esther&evelyn. so until they upload the pictures, then i'll upload them here.

i enjoyed myself in the morning meeting up with the cell girls; Chuili, ina, esther, evelyn, peilee and rachel. i really felt that the outing drew me closer with all of them. really glad i joined Shalom and all. Really givethanks for everyone of them.

im kinda upset with waiting. i don't know whether its upset but sometimes i really ask myself, why? its not that im not willing, but too many times really bring me down. yes, i wish to divert my attention and do something more meaningful, and not whine and whine. but, i can't. sadly to say. it is not easy.

evening has turned into night. im tired. of the endless waiting. really. i detest waiting. but i love you. sigh. but does that means im gonna wait even more?

i really don't know.

sigh. the conclusion is: im still waiting.

&in order to do something meaningful, i'll revamp the cell blog. i'll revamp my own blog. but tonight i shall start with the picture gallery first.

so...

byee.

(:

THE RAINBOW IS OUT;

REMEMBER WHAT IS LOVE.

i came in to blog about the goodness of God and its 12.32am right now.







as i was crying bout everything that had happened. i asked God to be with me. to be my tower of refuge. to be my comfort and let me seek Him as my shelter.



such a short prayer said. but nevertheless, i felt his presence there with me.



and tears cleared. and everything began to turn for the better.



thank God.











really amazed. the whole day where i choose to not seek God and continue hurting. i can actually just turn to God and make myself feel so much better.



i have to apologize to darling. but he said "remember what is love" and i feel so touched through the whole conversation that i had the urge to run to his house just 10 streets away. i really am grateful for a guy like him.







yes. and i decided to upload valentine's pictures. ((:

Chinese New Year Eve.

im exhausted. imagine having to spring clean from 9am to 5pm. tell me how you would feel. my arms are ready to drop off any moment. and issues in the heart, in the mind is not making me feel any better.

need a person to talk to. at least someone that i can really share with. and i prayed yesterday; Father, please give me someone to talk to. Amen. But, none appeared. i was alone at home yesterday. crying and crying; non-stop. i haven't broke down for ages. but the projects, the stress got into me. and my hormones are weird. i get emotional nowadays. at least, the three whole weeks of not-enough-sleep-doing-projects are gone. two more final exam papers. and i'll be looking forward to shanghai with kian hwee ((:

rocks.
reunion dinner does not interest me a single bit. i dislike eating meat. and everything presented on the table are meat. sigh. my appetite has gone haywire. for at least 2 weeks already, i've not been eating well. i even gone without food the whole of yesterday. i wanted to eat dinner. but i was too depressed. and i went to sleep instead.

you&i; we've drifted so far apart. without even realizing.
you&i; we've been too busy in the midst of our own life, that we had forgotten each other.
can i continue what's in my heart now?

broken-ness. i feel sorrow. pain deep within. i wanted to talk to CL. but she had to go offline. i know its okay. God wants me to seek Him.
but Father, you know it all. you see everything that i been through. frustrations i have poured out at you all the while. why me? i always ask. and i still am asking "WHY ME?" of all people in the world, that are the same age as me; EIGHTEEN. why me?

i fall again and again. i pick myself up bravely. and i trust, i love, i rely. but WHY? why had i fell again and again? i don't want to trust anymore. i don't want to rely anymore. but i don't think i can not want to love. i really don't want to get hurt anymore.
im vulnerable enough. and please, don't let me get hurt anymore.

haven't i been disciplined enough already? have i not been disciplined more than other people? Father, then what must i do now? what should i do? i've never felt this lonely. but i do now.
let me just trust in you, Father. and no one else. let me just learn to seek you. seek you and not humans. teach me how to rely on you and not on humans.

teach me to be more like Jesus. and not care bout the worldly-humans.
i just want to be under your wings. in your embrace. and be my tower, refuge and comfort.
pour out your love onto me, because i need it so much.
show me your love, show me your Grace. please.

those words from your mouth yesterday had driven me back to the darkest corner. i don't seem to able to smile right now anymore.


loves,
qiqi.

hurts terribly.

im lost. so lost in my own world.
i see darkness. again. and again.
tell me how to trust; when trust will only get you more hurts?
tell me how to rely? when reliance will only bring you more and more disappointment?

lesson learnt
1) humans will fail you, God will not
2) Don't trust easily. it'll only bring you more damage.

who am i to blame? who can i blame to make myself feel better? what can i do?
i really don't know.

disappointed.

here to blog once more.

well, thank God ! my wbat group got an A for our milestone 1. God has been really faithful to me. A for my wbat report, and A for my milestone 1. seriously, i feel so happy.
this semester everything went well. im gonna give my best for csad tonight! whoohoo.

chinese new year is just round the corner. hmm. ang baos are all i can think off.
well, presentation today went well. rocks.

its a short entry. time to retire to my room to start on my csad. God bless me with wisdom!

loveloves.

p.s treasure your love ones, because you don't know when they will just leave. hold them tight.
lynette once told me. if in a r/s, both parties do not hold on to the r/s anymore, there is nothing left. so one side must always hold on tightly. do not release. i love jeffrey more than any of you can imagine. love him too much. fallen in love too deeply. by God's grace.
really. by God's grace.


btw, i decided not to end the entry yet. because. TMR's the last day with all the fantastic classmates.

im glad i know each and everyone of you;
Lynette, Stephanie, Yusrin, Perline, Rabbiah, Siti, Yemin, Ling Yan, PeiShan, GuoSheng. really grateful. God has blessed me with such wonderful people. our joy and laughter. As for lynette, thankyou for all the encouraging words in this semester. you're a great joy in life. (((:

love you all.
loveloves.

happy valentines

yesterday was awesome. apart from going to school and all. hahas. if you want to know what happened yesterday, free to msn me. and maybe i might reply. hhaha.

well. thankyou jeffrey for the surprises that came one by one. enjoyed myself.(:

well, actually i wasn't feeling well yesterday. when i came home, i couldn't walk properly. my head was aching really a lot. i mean a lot. i almost fainted. so i quickly wash up and went to bed. and then i think i lost my conciousness very very soon. my mom ask me whether i want to go see a doctor. i said no. let me rest.

well, she said i was feeling very cold. hmm. why don't i remember any of this? no wonder i didn't seem to be in a superb mood yesterday. i was suffering for that headache since morning in school. i wonder why.

sigh. i felt like i spoiled the day. but then again, i think he really enjoyed himself. hah.

today is my presentation! wearing formal to school . sigh. such a chore. ))): having to bun my hair. SIGH.

ohoh! i baked cookies and muffins for darling. and i only have the muffin pictures. shall post up. and also the awesome pink roses. ((:

went jogging 1.5km again today.
hopefully i'll lose the excess fats in me if i continue jogging everyday. ahhas.
i can say i really love the feeling after exercising. its so wonderful. stress-free.

haha. today choir practice was good. the lyrics touched my heart. but then, i was very very tired. its quite tiring to keep singing S2 all the while. really exhausted after the whole practice.
the after-practice was really amusing. because stella wore blue last week while the color code was yellow,orange. haha. and she was super out lah. then dorcas was like. the color code for tmr is beige, cream, brown. and she was like no purple, no blue okay! and she started. beige as in b-e-i-g-e, cream as in C-r-e-a-m. and she wrote it on a piece of paper.

haha. super funny. then stella answered. yes teacher. -.-
after choir, went to eat with james, stella, joanne. nice talking to them. ((: then i went to block 418 to look for jeffrey. but then i only got to see him less than 10 seconds. i waited around, then decided to head back home instead, because i was really tired, plus the weather was awfully hot. besides i still have finance test to prepare for.

im left wth two more topics! and i gotta complete these 2 topics by tonight. tmr there won't be time for me to study at all. sigh. so much stuff to be done.
okay! im gonna stop bloggin. i really am looking forward to tmr.
i really find it very tough not to see darling for a few days. its just so difficult. )))):
sigh.
i feel the ache in my heart time and time again. but i'll overcome everything!
really, i will.

loves.

i am sick. so i took this photo to prove im not lying. i look sick? yes, no? sigh.
posting this. because i miss boyfriend. the day i took this photo was after CSAD submission, when i was feeling really down because of the project. and darling said he'll bring me go have something nice to eat. and we went hongkong cafe at Siglap. really enjoyed the moment i have with you, baby. (:
can you believe the spag top is from Espirt and it only costed me 5 bucks? hahas. now you know. and i really love that top a lot. besides, if you don't belong to the same school as me, you'll realised i've become tanned. just by one hour of swimming. i hate tan skins. sigh. it'll take me VERY long to turn fair again. well, i really love sports. so i've no choice. ))):

taken before choir on Sunday. i love the star earrings. but it broke just after wearing once. ))):

since jeffrey doesn't come my blog unless i ask him to. i shall show you this. this is the valentine gift i prepared for him. you know, jeffrey's the only guy that can make me do a lot of things for him. he is just so special to me. i think ina knows that already. i never felt so loved in my life. and i really thank God. there was just once after that awful breakup. i ask God, "would you let me experienced real love? in chinese, its called hong hong lie lie de ai" and God just presented Jeffrey in front of me naturally. and when i ask God again, "is jeffrey the guy for me, someone i can spend my life with?" God replied me. He showed me the sign i asked for. and i know God is faithful. He has shown me grace. I really have no idea how to thank God but to really offer my life to Him. just like the song by don moen. "What can i do but thankyou, what can i do but give my life to you" so true indeed.

right. so enough of all these. enough of the pictures.

this semester i've been facing plenty of problems. i've became vulnerable to certain stuff. and i know this is another trial for me. and i givethanks for all these. because it'll be a growing process for me.

this the first time i feel the hopelessness in me during projects. CSAD, has drain me of my energy leaving me weak. But what i can really give thanks for is the choir that comes during weekend. worshipping God returns me all my strength and energy that i've lost. refreshes me to start afresh in school each week. well, i've been tearing at my ability. somehow, no matter how much i try, how much effort i put in, into my assignments, it is too difficult.

like during the briefing today, the lecturer said, "IT is the most difficult course in IT school, in TP, and among all the polys" and yes, i agree with that.

the workload is more than we can really endure. the knowledge we've in our head might not be sufficient for our requirement specs and deliverables. it really takes a lot of logic to get things done. your coding foundation must be strong. and that really matters.

i've gone crazy. gone to the stage of giving up. quitting school. but i ask myself, "is it worthwhile?" the answer eventually is no.

and since i've decided to go NIE after i graduate. to be a chinese teacher, i shall strive harder to complete my IT studies. well, this semester is indeed a test to me.

just a few days after that conversation with jeffrey, i broke down immediately. not because we quarrelled - in fact through this 5 months together, we had never quarrelled, not even once. well, i cried because both of us were far too busy. the days we could meet were so limited. but i know for God, i'll endure everything. and because i was busy, i seem really tired at times, thus things said might be a little insensitive.

i just miss him so much. that i cried horribly. i rang lynette up. and started crying. and i haven't really cried that badly for really ages. and i cried out. all the burdens in me. all the unfairness in the world. and i cried for at least 1 hour plus. :x

and after that 1 hour plus, my eyes were just so swollen. and red. and i felt even more tired.

but after i broke down, i realised that i should just trust in the Lord. although there are times, when you really feel like blaming something, someone for all the unhappiness that happens. but still, who can you really blame? and if you can find someone to blame, what makes u think you've the right to blame?

so i got it. because of school work, my walk with God has really become distant. and i need to find that special and close relationship back with God. because overall, God is the only one who can really carry me through everything. well, people says i have the knowledge in my head but no application. so many refuse to give me advices, because it'll be a waste of breath. oh. and i totally agree with that.

well. i'll start building that r/s back with God.

really give thanks for jeffrey&ina; The two closest people who'll always support me.

really thank you.

loves.

its a pretty long entry. (:

disappointed at myself; my weakness. everything.

this semester has been testing me to the extreme. i wonder what's the purpose of everything right now. i feel tired. really exhausted. and i want to give up right now. i don't understand how ina can just feel happy even when the projects are piling upon her. but now i sorta understood. if you have the brains, your effort will pay off .
but if you are just stupid like me, no matter how much time you spent on your projects, you'll not see results. WHY? because you're just too dumb.

trying to figure out how to make this, make that work is really dumb. and now.. i've to resubmit my program again! sigh. the world is unfair. really.
im struggling. and i feel like im becoming more and more of the world again.

I've to really seek God all the time. not only when situations occur, but still, i give thanks, that i am able to have a second chance to complete my project. but i pray that God will actually bless me with more knowledge and wisdom!

loves,
chechi.

THE FIVE MONTHS SPENT WERE PRECIOUS



Happy 5th month darling. I've had an enjoyable moment spent with you. We may not be able to meet often, but i guess the term "distance makes the heart grow fonder" really works on us. My heart skips a beat whenever i see you. i love your humor, love the serious look on your face during cellgroups. love your weaker side. love to hold you in my embrace when you need me. love the look on your face when your happy or sad. love the amazing one and only laughter of yours. i love everything about you. your strength and weakness means all to me. no one else can ever take over your place deep in my heart. i hold on to our love as strongly, as tightly, as bravely as i could ever done so before. your the most amazing love beside God that i've experienced.
I want you to know, when you feel inferior, when you feel weak. I love you always. and i never look upon you as weak. I love the abilities you have. The way you can make my heart move, that others can't. I will never forget that night at Smash, when i saw the way you lead on stage. And that really touches me the most. I love. I love. i really love you darling.

sitting in creative writing lesson now. listening to my classmates sharing their part of the stories they have written. and of course, i had shared mine. and almost ended up in tears. really tried my best to be brave and not tear. somehow just stuck me.

bad. i miss boyfriend.

random:
Sean just said. "i'm not drunk, i just can't walk in a straight line"

LOL.
im mad. just very bored. and tonight WBAT to be done.
(((:

valentine's coming. LOVERS ! lols.
bye

you came from heaven to earth
to show the way.
from the earth to the cross,
my debt to pay.
from the cross to the grave,
from the grave to the sky.
Lord i lift your name on high.


recently, i got hold of a few songs from jeffrey. and i've been listening to them really often. the lyrics in the songs really touches my heart all the time. Each time, i listen to them, i just feel a tug at my heart. even on the bus, i feel like worshipping aloud. really awesome. that kind of feeling.

im ready to leave home to go school very soon. haha. im really not in a mood to go school at all.
cause its basically just handing in my story and doing a rough presentation bout the story.
and i need to spend money on printing. and risk my thumbdrive getting infected with the stupid virus that is spreading.

im missing that boy just so much. major part of me really desire for the moment to come where i can spend all my time with him. he is just too important to me.
you know, when i was reading Genesis, and the part bout Issac(im not sure if its issac or ____ and Rachel? well, the student bible asked, if you were to lose the most important person, what will you do? seriously speaking, if i were to lose the important person in my life. i might lose the will to live anymore.

because too many has left me. and each time i've been left weak and exhausted. i know this is not how i should react because God gave me life. but the future is hard to predict. and i always pray that God will not let me face death of other people who are close to me. but i know one day i will. and im really afraid i'll go crazy. so for the sake of my selfishness. don't ever leave me. i'll never be able to take the blow.

-.- SIGH. i better pass the HQ to SIMON! i keep forgetting SIGH. and Simon must do his QT!!! slaps me.
bye.
love

i love you baby.
i can never get enough of you. that one hour just flew so fast. that i had no feeling. and i felt so upset that we gotta say goodbye again. i miss you so much.
when can i see you everyday.


ina, your right. the long strip of letter. yes. i know. right now instead of thinking bout what i might not be able to do in the future. bout how miserable and tough the journey will be, i should just stay by his side and give him the support he needs along the way. even when the time spent together will be lesser. i love you ina. (((: LOVES!

haha.
today i was so tired. choir really wear me out at times. yes i love worshipping God. i feel so blessed when i see the congregation singing their heart out just for God. i feel so touched. but i get really tired. maybe i should request not to sing twice a month. especially when i get busier. but for now, i'll still do my best and be committed in serving God. because that is what that really makes him happy. i'll be a faithful servant of the Lord.

yay! haha. the rainbow just came out after the rain. okay. its an analogy to say that im feeling happier now.
tonight im gonna discuss with my mom smth. and i hope God will help me in it. im gonna make some agreement with the family.
from now on. the housework shall be shared. everyone will cleaned their own room. its none of my business if its dirty. because the house is not mine alone.
im not requesting that much. im just sick and tired.
i got my work to do too. and its not fair. that i've to do the housework all the time.
besides although im splitting. im still doing most of the work. the living room, and my room is my responsibility.

God, please make everything work out. please provide for me. thankyou. Amen.


lovelve. i gotta start doing my WBAT and creative writing design!
haha. one more week of projects. YAY!

your hand lifted me up
and stand on higher ground
your grace rose in my heart

(((:

-this is how we overcome

im hurting out of anger. out of distress.
i don't know. so much stuff that i can never say here. but keep in me.
whole heart is about to burst. burst out of anger.
much anger raging in me.

sigh no one will know how i feel now. because its frustrating.
go. leave me alone.

everyone.
telling myself that God is with me. doesn't seem to work. Just where are You?
sigh.

tired.
bye

Gracious Father, i pray that tonight even without sleep i'll be able to complete my work with alertness and to do my best for everything. Father, i pray my communication skills presentation slides and speech draft will be done nicely. and tmr's rehearsal for presentation will be good. I pray that i'll be able to prepare for my UIR presentation though i really dislike that module. and i also would like to pray for my CSAD assignment. that i may do well for it. especially when i am really stuck now. Father, i pray that you bless me with wisdom and understanding as i face this three things that i must do tonight. thankyou Jesus. Amen.

nice to start my post with a prayer isn't it? (((:

i went swimming today! with ina. hahas. it was so so nice and fun. (((:

next wed is badminton. SEAN; if you wanna jog please sms me. i will come too. ina and i are kind determined to shed off the excess fats on us. get what we mean? we'll dedicate our weds to sports. hahas. maybe during hols, we can meet up often to do some sports.

i deposited money into my bank today. feeling richer recently. hahas.

i miss boyfriend very very much. i had a great day out with him yesterday. i mean after so long, we never really go out. so we went IMM to do my shopping yesterday. the ESPIRIT outlet is good. and cheap too. got my clothes there. kinda have the desire to wear the clothes out immediately. but NO.. its for newyear.

i love the shoes he bought for me. i wanted to pay for it myself. but he insisted. and since he never really bought me a present, i relented. haha. so; the shoes, happen to be my valentine's persent.

haha. and since he NEVER reads my blog, it is okay to post it here. FOR valentine 2007, my 5th month with Jeffrey will be very special. hahas.

this the first time i went to that extent to get the gifts done.

handmade A4 size note. some have seen how it looks like. and i received the nods. haha. its cool. then CROCS specially bought for his work. i know he has been dying for it. and i've been saving madly. and lastly, cookies and cupcakes! hahas.

its like i've never ever bothered to do so much for a guy. but a special guy like him, just makes me want to do more and more. anything for him. that's my love.

im dying to buy the diva necklace. its a heartshape pendant. that costs 16 bucks.

and yah. i'll go next week to get it! im so in love with that necklace. and when i miss that necklace back here. means i really want it. so i should get it! rightright?!

haha. okay. i'll have to start doing my work. COFFEE in the night! sigh. endless projects. it is impossible with man. but it is possible with God! AMEN.

i totally agree. its from Matthews smth. can't remember. ))):

okay! gotta go.

before that pictures!

tell me im vain. haha. i love taking pictues. ((:

jeffrey and his dog. i kind like that dog like. huggable. nice and comfy. haha.

me. stephanie. lynette. taken during lynette's birthday! (((: loveloves.

sigh. where's teddy. TELLME.

being ignored for very very long le. hahas.
i miss him so much.

i tell you i went bonkaz just now doing my csad only! ))):
SIGH. it is just so difficult )):

and im just complaining here!
bye.

spent the entire saturday with ina doing CSAD.

hahas. my title tells it all. spent the entire afternoon doing CSAD. gosh. im really exhausted. and i still can't get my data grid view to work properly. i spent five hours trying to figure out and i still don't get it. my brain cells are dead already.

and oh. how i miss boyfriend so much. didn't see him for two days already. okay. i know its only 2 days! hahas.
yesterday i left school around 8pm. and i completed my SWEN! hurrays.
im left with two hours before i have to go meet jeffrey soon.
so im gonna quickly finish up my final draft for creative writing that is due on tues.
because monday. im going to TM to see my idols ! lols . hana kimi cast..

im so excited bout it. haha. i believe most of us are. haha.
GIRLS ! -.-

hahahas. loveloves
BYE

recording test data for SWEN isn't easy at all. i have to admit.
its 6.41pm and i am still in school recording scripts after scripts. i have been in the lab since 3pm trying to record. the whole 11am-2pm i have been doing my programming assignment.

this is what i mean by from morning to night doing assignment all day.
but im glad. God has been really Faithful to me. providing me with a school com with the software when others are struggling to look for lab. you've no idea how grateful i really am. Praise the Lord. ((:

well. im basically very tired. when i get home, i'll hve to try to complete my creative writing. so that i may continue doing my programming assignment. sigh database connection and stuff.. my life. pathetic. but well. i'll learn to treasure it. i promise.

im very thankful to jeffrey. because he gave me a verse from the bible. that really serves as another reminder. and letting me know, that im not alone.

amazing how God love is. really.
i gotta get back to doing my work. bye.

it is because of all the piling projects that must be cleared by next week.

is that the answer to why im feeling depressed? letme see.
i shall list out what needs to be done.

monday 29.01.2007
swen test case and test data submission (recording of scripts not done yet.)

tuesday 30.01.2007
creative writing final draft. (needs to be edited again)

friday 2.02.2007
communication skills presentation powerpoint and draft to be modified.
CSAD programming assignment due. inclusive of reports and soft copy of codes.
GC briefing to be attended
UIR presentation

monday 5.02.2007
wbat application to be done and submitted.

tuesday 6.02.2007
creative writing to be submitted - storybook with cover to be design.

monday 12.02.2007
business finance final test.

thursday 15.02.2007
cmsk3 presentation (formal wear)

now, now. can you understand? i do projects after projects. hours after hours. can you imagine sitting in school from 9am - 7pm doing projects. and when you get home, you still continue doing projects till the wee hours of the night?

i know everyone faces the same thing. but im especially tired. my workload is far too heavy for me to handle. and i feel like going mad. and most of the time; i actually break down into tears. although you all may not see it. but i feel really tired and weary of everything that is going on.

enough of my jokes. my laughter for you all. because i am simply too tired to make everyone happy.

that's all
loves

like a baby; cry when you need to. laugh when you feel happy.

i don't know what got into me lately.

tired.
sigh.

forget it.

bye.

i have been too caught up with the struggles in life. and i had pay no attention to the surrounding people and my initial goal; to leave heartprints with everyone i see.

life has been fairly bearable.
i give thanks for the wonderful people around me. because they really care. and the prayers they've kept me in.
choir has been fruitful. the songs. the worship. fantastic i tell you.

i read ina's blog. about how she envy me because i can share so easily. it wasn't easy ina. it takes a lot to share. but over years, the more you keep the emotions in yourself, the more you need to share. Im willing to listen only if your willing to share.

yah. ((:
yea. and valentine's is coming around the corner! i remember those times in secondary school when we give each other roses and presents. well; a moment that i can never forget. but all good things come to an end. hmm. maybe.

i finish the special item i made for jeffrey. and its kinda cool. hahas. thanks to TP bookshop. i found some good materials. haha.

i had to show my tutor about A child's story. it wasn't positive. i felt really depressed. i meant 2 times already. i put in my effort. put in so much effort. and BAM. it just turn out this way. sigh. im not gonna give up though. but im really struggling. i prolly ain't cut out to write stories.
difficulties to overcome! sigh.

i miss my boyfriend. you know. you know?!
loveloves.

thanks yemin for burning the cd for me! hahas.
love it . (((:

today school was i-don't-know what to say. friday always seem to be very bad. sigh. because there's UIR and then CSAD. my two more irritating module in my dictionary. ))):

i feel really moody today. i've no idea why. maybe i shud just return home to get some sleep. truely need the sleep.
tmr there's a long day waiting for me. hmm.

im getting my test results for CSAD soon. i already know i fail. so i don't have much expectations already. life is getting even more and more boring for me. im beginning to start feeling that i've no life. but YIKES. ))):

i miss going out with ina; girls day out! i learnt smth from highquest.
that whenever you feel like escaping from the world, no matter where you run to, God's presence is always there with you. you cannot hide from Him. yes, you can hide from the world, but not God.
i feel so comforted by this. because there are so many times, i really feel like hidding away in my own shell. i feel like just crying and sleep and ignore everyone. but most of the times, because i know God is always there. so i wipe away my tear. and smile and pick up myself and face the world.

this is how real God is to me. He is really so faithful.
((((:
im glad to know that there are so many people who cares. really glad.

i was just telling lynette in the lab. how fragile relationships can be. you never know when you will just lose hold of someone so important to you. and to me, i find it even more scarier. because i've lost too many before. and im very afraid. but not many people can tell that im really afraid. the strong personality, the smiley face that i put up infront of everyone.

only a few will really know. i am so afraid. so. God i pray, that i'll never lose anyone impt from my life again. Amen.

okay. enough of ranting. haha. some random post of the day. bleah.
i wanna go home and sleep!
loveloves.

have you heard of Don Moen's version of We are the reason?

watch it.


i have been searching for worship videos. and i tell you its fantastic.
worshipping is really great.

(((:

i had a great time in school today. CMSK was very funny. a lot of jokes. think Steph enjoyed it more because of all the nonsense i was talking about. haha. i never fail to make them LAUGH okay! what a good entertainer i am!
hahas.

today i applied at the MOE website. for relief teaching. guess what i am teaching? CHINESE! hahas. ina will be like " WHAT" i can imagine! hahas.

bleah.
friday!! i dislike going for UIR class. and i've a feeling i already failed the attendance requirement. crosses finger ))):
well. i'll start going for class.
haha. the only thing im prolly looking forward to. is because i gonna see him! hahas.
((:

byeee.

i want to blog seriously. because i need to pen down thoughts. or i might never be able to find out what is wrong with myself. so. ignore my post.
yah. pretend you didn't see anything. *points to INA.* xD

i had an extreme conversation yesterday. things may be harsh. but i know its the truth. i cried non-stop. because i had no idea what i've been doing. i have not been myself. i have hidden myself. my dark side from you. i knew i had to say it someday. but i struggled most of the time.

now that you know. you dont seem to understand. i am so afraid. i feel like leaning on ina and start crying again. I don't know why everytime i am so afraid. fearful of losing. i'll cling on to ina. i am really scared. i don't know how to explain that sorta feeling in me now.

who can really understand the situation i am in? if you were me, what will you do huh? will you move on bravely, or like me? getting stuck. i know you'll say move on bravely. but hey. i say that all the time too. i'll move on. but you know what happens. like what you said. somethings you expect will not turn out the way u expect it to be. and prolly you'll get stuck too.

i don't like the way you make it sound as if everything is so simple. because if it was simple. i would have got over it. actually its over already. i think this the last time im gonna address that issue. before the book is out.

im doing everything not for the people to see. but for God.
i somehow just sense that God is wanting me to write the book. He planned everything from the beginning to use me. He wants to use me, to use my past and bring people back to Him. He wants me to be a living testimony of His works in me. and i'll continue working at it.
but still, i thank you for the support you are willing to give me. although you still do not understand why i am doing all this

its ok. oh btw, this post is not meant for u. its for me( that is if you ever come across this post.)

seriously, i felt really hurt yesterday. not by the words you say. but i regretted not sharing with you earlier. i regretted from hiding myself from you. i am so sorry. SIGH

yesterday. i felt as if i had dropped into a dark pit. i never wanted to show you my weakness. and now i had. i feel pain. because you've seen through me. you've seen the kind of person i am. i feel shameful of myself. and i feel guilt.
i don't know what i can do now. im gonna pray very hard. im gonna seek God these few days when i am not going to be meeting you. i seriously need time to sort out a lot of emotions. then start writing the book again. for now, i'll just leave the story where it is. until i get a confirmed answer from God that i should really continue writing.

i have lost my appetite for days. i really have no more energy to care about the rest of the stuff. but at least God is really faithful. my mother gave me allowance for this whole week. so praise the Lord!

and keep me in prayers dear friends.
special thanks to CL for covering me in prayer.
(((:

takecare.
loves.

A child's story - 30% completed.
im at chapter three already.
it takes really a lot to write this story. oh well.

i slept quite long in the afternoon today. hahas. i had nothing to do. i know i know. there's plenty of projects to do. but im slacking. oh well )))):
sigh.

im having mixed up feelings now.
btw, Hana Kimi is really nice to watch. hahahas. im falling in love with it.(((:
LOL.

im only ranting here. BYE

im spending the next few days writing a story for creative writing.
after writing two chapters, i realised my story is basically like "a child called it" my story will be a true story bout my own life. the broken promises. the broken hearts. rage. hatred.
it is a story that shows every single event that really happened.
the story's title will be. The child's story.

fantastic. not exactly. each time i try writing. i go back to the past. and its as if i am on a journey back. and when i come back to reality. i feel my heart aching so much. each time. more&more. yes i admit im becoming more and more emo.
somehow as emo as i get. i still hold on strongly. i'll never admit defeat.
God has been here with me all along. although i feel the pain, when i look up. i feel the warmth of God's hands. He has been there all along.

so i'll still continue writing this story. because i want to give thanks for the life i've been through. and i want to share. i am always better at expressing when i write. and after i finish the story. the first person i would pass my story to is my boyfriend.
i realised i have hide too much. too much stuff that need to be told. but not sure when. so this time. i will. i promise.

byeee.
loves.

i've not blog for so long.
been so busy.

choir.chin's birthday. creative writing presentation. hur. plenty of stuff.

well. SWEN results !! 34/50. sigh. quite low actually. but nvm lah. (((:

joyce's birthday today! (((: happy birthday my dear sister. hahas. joyce is my boyfriend's sister. so yah. in-case you were wondering.
and bleah. im so stuck now.
i need a new job. gonna really pray that God shows me a way. by the end of next week, if i still can't get a job. yea i'll work at macs. i know everyone's telling me the pay is pretty low. but well, it beats sitting around not being able to find a proper job right?

i'll ring nicole up tmr. and ask whether she has any part-time job on hand. ((:
i feel really poor now. lols. lots of family issues happening.
but on the brighter side. my brother bought me a laptop! hahas. that really really cheered me up a lot.

sigh. recently i've been thinking a lot. it seems that i've been going through quite a lot. and i feel that God wants me to really face a lot of reality. and not just pretend and deny that there is nothing wrong with me. and that all these happens for a reason. i know i've to do something about it. prayers. surrendering it all to God. well. give me time. okay?

yea. i had a lot of sharing today. particularly with lynette and ina. and i am really glad i have great friends around me. where we can share with each other. really appreciate them a lot. really hope that lynette will turn to Christ soon. yah. i have faith in God. that one day she'll really come to accept Him with all her heart. (((:

i am gonna stop here. tmr is a long day. programming and cmsk. well, i can say im looking forward to WBAT. (((: loveloves.

byeeee.

sigh. im in school lab now.
slept at four am in the morning. did my assignments from 10pm till 4am. 6 amazing long hours. really want to thank God that i am able to complete everything by today.

and for sending people along the way to help me with my coding. really grateful.
right now. im exhausted. and pissed off. and frustrated at some particular reason.
im probably too tired thats why im very pissy.

i feel like fainting now due to exhaustion. i've a feeling i might just drop dead on the floor. sigh.
i need my bed. need my sleep.
need my boy the most. but he's busy now.

listen to my rantings. sigh. im tired . bye.
)))):

projects. projects & more projects.

i've tried starting on csad. i mean my group is done with the G.U.I and all. but then the coding. i really don't understand how to do? I have alot of retrieving from the db. SIGH.

I am waiting for lynette to be back from Taiwan. so that i have at least an idea on how to start. SIGH.
and then the fyp proposal. I need them also. Because we are in the same group
there are really much thing to be done. and the hols are almost over.
I really haven't been pushing myself hard enough.

Im sick now. i fell sick again! after six months. lols. its somehow. like finally? LOLs.
im only blogging a short entry.
hahhaas. bleah.
that boy is busy again. nvm. me too. lols

byeeee.

why am i so negative in my recent entries? i cannot understand the reason why.
im truely very tired.
im truely afraid of trying.
i truely hate this feeling.
and who can understand what i am going through?

you may show me facts that others are suffering more.
but can you lend a listening ear to me instead of telling me?
can you listen for once to my pains.

can you help me ease the missing of someone?
can you help me?

three consecutive days. i have been holding on to this burden in me. leting my tears flow endlessly. yet i have been puting up such a brave front. But deep within. i know how much i may not be able to take it anymore.
i held on. when i heard the sermon on Sunday. i was so touched.
and i want to work even harder but it is so difficult.

i am beginning to hate. to have anger in me. and i hate this kind of feeling in me.

Father, would you help me get pass all these?

can i not look at my mother anymore.
can i be wilful and lead my own life the way i want?
can i stop trying to please every single one around me? I AM TIRED OF PLEASING ALMOST EVERYONE. IM TIRED OF BEING SOMEONE that is weak.

show me the way out. even if there is no one for me to really lean on. can i lean on you? i just need some assurance once more. how to set my heart right again? how do i set my heart right for you and the people around me again ?

how do i stop being negative. and just smile happily?

to be really honest, no matter how much i try to deny. to live in denial, the reality is always there. no matter how much i try to tell myself, my past is NOTHING. but the reality shows it all.

i'll take some time off to be by myself. and set my heart right for everyone.
bye.

Dear Gracious Father,
today is christmas. but i am in an unpeaceful state. i feel the rage in me. i feel the need to pour out everything. i feel the tears in my eyes. i want to be happy during christmas. Because Jesus is born to save me. save the world. but why do i feel such resentment and bitterness in me. Why is it that i feel no one is around to talk to me? why do i sense loneliness in my heart?
this christmas, all i want is a good relationship with my mother. because of the war that is waging in me, i have no peace. Father, please take away all these bitterness in me. that i may be strong and fulfill my mother's expectation of a wonderful daughter.
in Jesus's name i pray, Amen.


i know its christmas. i know i sound really down. crying&all. but i feel really bad inside.
i love my mother. But because i love her; the things that she says become smth that really pierce my heart so much. I don't mind doing the housework. But she gotta understand that i have plenty of work to do. I don't go out and play all the time. I have school. I have a part-time job. i feel like running away from home.

im hurt. im tired. im in pain.
so Jesus, take all these away from me.
SIGH.

relationships are the most fragile things in the world.
but. im not gonna escape from all these obstacles. im gonna walk through it. because i have faith in God. He'll pull me through everything!

okay. christmas outreach was fantastic last night. Simon came. and i am so proud of him. that he finally made the first step back. and im really glad he enjoyed the whole outreach.
He said all of us are friendly and really nice people. hurray shalom!
(((:
im glad.

hahas.
i won't go into details. because im tired.
and ina. im not gonna explain bout what happen when i was blindfolded. HAHA. byeeee.

How can i leave you when i've fallen so deeply in love with you.
i'll never leave you. because you are my everything. God-sent. a gift from God to me. you are fantastic. the right guy that i ever want. your my most precious gift. the best christmas gift i could ever had. you never fail to make me smile. you never fail to make me feel love. because of you; i can smile by my own so foolishly. but also because of you; i enjoy smiling so much. you make my heart melt all the time. even when we seem so far apart and don't have much time together, i still feel your love always and always. our hearts can feel each other's. ((((: i love you baby.

hmm.
today i met ina. went to bugis together. i bought a "jumper" that i am not so in love with. haha. but then again. it prolly looks nice. i don't know. and i guess it was a wrong decision. i spent 80 bucks in a day. but i don't remember exactly how. :x i returned ina money. bought the christmas present for cell. had lunch. top up my farecard and bought that jumper.

hmm. money come, money goes. but its okay. money can be earned again. but now. cellgroup dinner money HOW ?! hahahs. next week im gonna work again and get my PAY. hahas.
Simon off his handphone. SIGH. i pray hard that he'll come for christmas outreach tmr. SIGH. you better come!

i miss my boy. so much. right now.
hahas. the thought bout him always make me smile. lovelovelove.

hahas. tmr ina and peilee gonna get baptized! hahas. i'll be going for 1st service.hmm.
ina.
2nd baptism; any thoughts or comments ? lols . letmme hear it. (((:
monday is christmas; but i'll be spending that day to complete cmsk report and journal writing or maybe swen requirements specs. then tues - fri will be spent on coding CSAD. sigh. its a dread. :((((
but i can do it! hahahas.

im gonna stop blogging. need to catcvh some sleep. though i don't feel like sleeping yet. but i have to sleep 8 hours or not. i'll be so moody. hahahas.
takecare. (((:
loveloves.

and

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE(((:
REMEMBER JESUS ALWAYS.
AND HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR. OHKAY?!

LOVES

give thanks for the christmas season (:

Give thanks with a grateful heart
Give thanks unto the Holy One
Give thanks because
He's given Jesus Christ, His Son
(repeat)

And now let the weak say, 'I am strong'
Let the poor say, 'I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us'
(repeat)

a song that touches my heart. and makes me want to just continue giving thanks for every single event that happened in my life.
so what are you waiting for? give thanks (:

i am feeling very sick now as im blogging. sigh. i pray that God will protect me and not let me fall even more sick. have to work tmr. and christmas is around the corner.

the year is coming to the end, how will you rate your whole year then ?

A-Very Good, B-Good enough, C-just the same, D-lousier than ever.

for me, i'll rate it A-Very Good. This has been the most eventful year. The year which i have felt the most extreme ups and downs. the year which i have seen myself nurtured and grown.
God's presence in my life made me changed from the inside out.
Will you people who i once knew be surprised to see the change in me? or would you all still say its all an act? well. i guess it doesn't matter anymore.

In the first half year. I have been neither here nor there. Everything seem to be stuck, like a tape not being able to play. But when i finally could move on, the tape started playing really smoothly. that is because God has came into my life again. This time He came in, differently like the previous. All these events, made everything that had happened seem to be with a purpose. A purpose to make me come back to God wholeheartedly, with my own will.

i remember that moment when i ended it all; i picked up the phone and dialled ina's number. i said. "Ina, i want to come back church." with just this sentence that came out of my mouth, the Holy Spirit had started working in me once more.
The extreme downs that i had been through are blessings in disguise. that i can boldly speak of now.

I love to reflect on what has happened in my life. Because through these reflections, i come to know more about my self.
For the first six months , i have been selfish, materialistic, hot-tempered, with hatred in my heart. I have been the worse person anyone could have met.
But for the next six months, i have been the total opposite from what i have been before. from materialism, i have become in a way, that i care for no more riches. no more nice clothes, no more popularity. all these seem to have been taken away by God. i have been forgiving and patient. and i have never been like that before.
I have forgived the people i needed to forgive. I have learnt to curb my temper.

God has been reminding me once and once again, to humble myself. Especially when i am serving in Choir. It takes alot of effort to really humble yourself. When i meet annoying people, the usual me will tend to just ignore and speak behind that person's back. I confess, i still do that nowadays. but rarely. even so, i still need to learn. to change.

I am proud of the way i have change with God's strength. And suddenly i remember telling Perline this: "you cannot change your character yourself, only with God's strength and power then you'll be able to change." I don't know to others, is this true. But to me, i felt this way. one year back then, i had a group of people around me who kept telling me to change. "Qiqi, you must change." everywhere i went, people told me my attitude was bad. people told me they didn't like me at times. because i am selfish.

Back then, i kept asking myself. What have i done wrong? what do i need to change. I tried my best. I tried to change. I spoke lesser. I didn't make the decisions anymore. I let the others do. I gave in again and again. Until one day i broke down and cried " i can't change! i can't "
and i left things dangling on that way.

When i have came back to church. I did not need to tell myself I want to change. I did not try to change. But God changed me. Through the scriptures, through people, through the sermon. God changed my heart deep from within. I could no longer find myself flaring up. I could no longer find myself having hatred in me. I could no longer tick off people when ever i want.
Praise God.

The way God has work in me, others may not see. But i see it. and i feel it. i remember jeffrey and i were talking bout personalities. Each bird represent a different personality. When he told me i was a dove. I was really amazed.
Me a dove ? How can it be. But i realised personality do change. And i have changed.

From the mouth that curses all day, my mouth now sing praises of the Lord. And determined not to curse anymore. How can i give my testimony to people around me?
How can i teach people to trust God in the hard times?
How can i relate to everyone using my past? i have fell down and down many many times, But i always have the most amazing people beside me who pull me up. No matter, how deep i fell in, how hard i fell, i always manage to pick myself up.

No doubt. Whenever i start dwelling in the past, the pain comes in. I still cry. I still tell God, i want to see them so much. I want my parents, my family back. I tell God i envy families. I tell God this is not fair. Why must i go through so much, when most can just lead their life normally? I cry out all the time to God. But each time i cry out, God reassure me. Each time, i feel a certain tingle in my heart. A warmth that slowly fills my body. A love that feels the emptiness. And the words will ring in my heart " God loves u."

God is good all the time. And all the time God is good. This i must really say Amen to.
I have never felt God so strongly than ever until this year. I have never experienced God's love as much until this year. I have never prayed that much. have never worshipped that much. have never did my QT that much until this year.
i feel so loved, so wanted in God's arms now.
He gave me the boy that i needed most when i felt like giving up. I asked God, when will i ever experienced the love that i always wanted. And true enough. I met him. I met him, but i was still in doubt. I ask God again, are you sure? he is the one for me? I prayed for a sign.

God showed me the sign. Perline and Lynette said before " How can two people come together, meet in church, love at first sight. and they are both christians? Isn't this God-planned?"
When i think bout this, i smile. I jump for joy. and i exclaim. Thankyou Father for this precious gift You have blessed me with!

Each time i reach out to people, the Holy Spirit works in me non-stop. Amazing words flow out from my mouth. To comfort them. To also remind them that God is always here. And each time a broken heart is in front of me, i feel God calling out to me, go speak to them. They need a listening ear. And i'll just reach out my hand to them.

enough of the reflections. my resolution for year 2007? hmm.

i have just signed up as a volunteer for children's society.
It always had been my dream to help the abandoned children. I have been through what they have gone through. And this time i am able to really give my all and all.
I want to serve God more.
I want to leave heartprints.
I want to have a closer relationship with God.
I want to grow spiritually to a higher level.

i give thanks for the wonderful calling back to Christ.
i give thanks that it is God's calling for me serve in choir.
i give thanks for jeffrey.
i give thanks for Ina who always stood by me.
i give thanks for the wonderful cellgroup.
i give thanks for lynette, perline and stephanie.
i give thanks for the improvement in grades this semester.
i give thanks for the change in my heart.
i give thanks for all the wonderful events that has happened.

And indeed. God is great. He our gracious Father!

thats the end of my entry today. long one (:
loves.

IM TIRED.

hahas.
i have been out every single day. and tmr i just want to stay at home. :x
SIGH. my mom has been nagging every single day. in order to have a good christmas weekend. i have to stay at home tmr. and also do the housework. (((:

i haven't been updating. because im really busy. exams are finally over. and im mid into the holidays already. and i have not started on any of my school work. so im really dead. next week i'll be rushing alot. hmm.

i won't be bloging long entry. so yah. i just update for the sake of it huh.
im going to bed soon. hahas.
i have been so tired doing christmas cards. a whole lot of 41 cards. ))): and im not even half through. sigh.

gotta go.
loveloves.

i miss my boy.
and yes. i love him alot.

well. i know i haven't been blogging.

i really seldom have the time to do that. maybe soon. after term-test.

i have been really busy. doing all kinds of assignment. i seriously mean all-kinds. i had to rush my creative writing journal, my UIR portfolio, my WBAT webpages + coding, study for cmsk reference TEST. and i had to even start thinking on how to do CSAD forms and coding.

Not only that. on 5th janaury. which means immediately after my term break.

i have a few submissions. like my creative writing 7 more entries. my CSAD project about some airline system, my UIR portfolio part 2. i think there's more to come.

i already lost track of what to hand in. SIGH. i can't work for the whole two weeks. seem like i'll continue working for David. then i'll have time to work in the evening for all my submissions. lucky people who are going overseas. I really pray hard that God will show me favor this semester. although im piling with projects, but i really had a good time learning new stuff.

And it seems like i have been doing rather well too. i hope to continue this way. Really.

and i want to do well for every project on hand. i want to at least pull my GPA to 2.0. I know its hard. But i always felt that nothing is impossible. with my effort and God's favor. I know i can do it. yah.

and Happy Birthday INA and Kaiyan !

hmmm. both of you have grown older. i can't think of anything to say. But do well in school. Study hard. (: and All the best. (((:

and specially for INA: cure your laziness. ((: be more disciplined in work OHKAY! and i hope you'll get a good major project GROUP. and they will push you and make you learn not to be lazy! hahas. love you bestfriend (:

a lot of events happened every here and now. But im really tired. i'll just upload a few photos. thats all (((:

at his birthday dinner. ((: iloveu.
we were at the cafe again. i tell you we took 17 shots altogether.
((((:
jeff's sister; julianna. ((:

hmm. classmates. (: love them to bits. sorry steph&perline. ure not in this one. hahas. (((:

tadah. thats all. my wbat project is coded. can be build successfully and tested successfully. But there are illogical reasoning inside. So will any kind soul help me. YES you. don't look away ar. call my PHONE now! hahahaha.

loves,

chechi.