exhausted at work.

i slept about 6 hours.
which isn't doing me any good.
because i'm still sick trying to recover.
but without rest.
boohoo.

at work now.
struggling to keep my eyes wide open.

yesterday i met up with Lynette after work.
had a good time chatting at coffee club.
though for one hour only.
but on Saturday, there's more to come.
been so long since we really catch up with each other.
& we've the whole Sat out together. (:

then headed home.
and dear called me out for a movie.
we went to see Liting with a few SHALOMs.
said happy birthday.

then headed to watch chuck & larry.
i can say it isn't my type of show at all.
but then, the company is the most important.
besides haven't really been out dating with jeffrey for so very long.
haha.

so i really enjoyed myself though i knew i had to sacrifice sleep.
this is what i call love.
haha.

tonight, i'm meeting up with ate Dorcas.
which is good. (:
i need to talk to someone.
& God loves everyone


p.s i'm still not feeling well. & i think its gonna take a while to recover. i'm left with 7 days of work. so pray that i'll make it through.
thankyou

another day of leave.

took another day of leave.
in order to really rest. but i'm more of watching tv.
not really sleeping resting.
hmm.
cancelled my meeting with sarah & jingying.
sad.

yesterday i had choir rehearsal for cbtl.
fun with all the parts.

there's one thing i've been struggling with for many many weeks.
i don't know how to describe that feeling.
sigh.
i think i might lose it. because of my annoyance & arrogance.
but 90% of my mind & heart tells me that i don't care.
i don't understand why i'm like that.

sigh.
forget it.
God deal with me please.

sick, sick, still sick

it all started on a friday
when heart was beating terribly fast.
breathing difficulties.
dizzy spells.
being thirsty all the time.
couldn't stand properly..

hmm.
slowly, fever came.
bad sore throat with phlegms the color of red & green. (gross right?)
then sleeping difficulties.

the best part of the whole story.
i've been out running & not resting.
haha. ok i haven't really RUN.
but i just simply went to church & so on.
heh.

there are two small lil lumps on my throat which can be felt by placing ur fingers on my right side neck. thank God it isn't as big as the previous 2 times.
so i don't think i'll see a doctor.
unless i keep having on/off fever.
which is what i'm experiencing now -.-
i'm still not sure whether i can return to work tmr.
hopefully i can.
i've a hard time accounting to my supervisor. why i need so many days leave.
hmm.


& it's 9.40am now. waiting for jeffrey aw to come pick me up. haha.
stomach growling.
haven't been eating much yesterday.
less than 1/2 a bowl of yong tau foo. with 2 spoons of rice
and 1/2 a bowl of porridge.
am i going to lose weight like this?
if yes, hurray.

but i think my appetite will be bigger today
there's cbtl choir rehearsal later.
hurrays.
hope i can sing despite my throat infection.

lots of love everyone (:

trust.

back from dinner with emily.
typed the previous post in a rush.

i'm having a fever now.
terrible sorethroat too.
jus painted my nails gold and black.
rock! thanks emily for paying for the gold nail polish.
haha.

waiting for my nails to dry so i blog.

i was just thinking through everything; reconsidering every single lil detail.
i know i shouldn't be posting things here.
but i can't help it.
i'm too feverish to go write in my other diary.
& there are things i need to further sort out by typing it out.

trust. its very important in a r/s.
when you can't trust. ur r/s go haywire.
from the start till now.
i've always trusted him. trusted him that he'll protect me.
trusted him, that he'll love me always.
trusted him that no matter what difficulty i or we go through, we'll walk together.
and till now, i still trust him.

i asked myself this.
in the beginning, when you know that this r/s is gonna be a tough one.
not enough time to spend with each other.
yet you were able to accept him for who he really is.
and commit yourself into this r/s.
why can't i now not?
i always say. do what you need to do.
do what you have to do.
but am i really being supportive this way?
or am i trying to avoid the issue.
or am i just puting on a brave front. but tearing at the back.

people always say we seem like a perfect couple.
but i know that's not the case.
there's no such thing as a perfect couple in the world.

but all i want to do right now.
is to be really supportive by your side.
even when you'll be busy.
even when you'll not have time for me.
i want to support you in whatever decision you make or will make in the near future.

blog again later.
suffering from another attack of the stomachache.


ok back.
what i really want to say is that.
i want to be a supportive girlfriend in whatever you do.
even if it means we don't have time to spent with each other.
even if it means that i've to follow you around to places i do not like.
for you, i'm willing to do anything.

and i end off with,

i love you, jeffrey aw.


goodnights.

break me, break me & break me

i've asked God to break me in so many areas of my life so that i may live a victorious & righteous life for Him.
and before i know it.
things are starting to dive down for me.
the areas which i prayed for, are slowly seeping into my life..

things are making me change drastically.
i'm really struggling to keep myself joyfull despite of all.


cover me with your wings.
let me trust you only.
let me rely on you only.
be my refuge & strength to walk this journey
i feel like i'm walking alone.
but i know you've not forsaken me.
Lord, break me if you must. but i know that all these will not be things that
i cannot overcome. i know i can do it.

please strengthen me.




fly if you need to fly.
do the things you need to do.
don't worry about me.
because God will watch over me.

i'm missing him

hmmm.
changed my blog design.
(:
and very satisfied. made use of blogger template.
going for simplicity now.

today i took leave.
stayed at home the entire day.
dear is off at feli's grad.
it's supposed to be our date today.
sigh.

hmm.
i feel a little sad. but nevermind (:


this part is for emily.
don't think anymore bout what has happened.
because you can't change anything by thinking.
i know it is easy to say.
BUT
and we'll always stay by your side always. and support you. (:
so jiayou! and smile always.
but when you need to talk, i'm just a ring away.


hungry. off to look for food.
loves.

im blogging at work again.
sigh.

i'm falling sick. better drink lots of water.
throat is hurting. starting to cough. block nose. etc.
just woke up from afternoon nap (:

my lunch was horrible.
my lunchbox; veggie was sour. the food turn spoiled.
so i didn't really eat alot. but nevertheless, full.

dinner out with jessica was good. though i wanted to pay. she didn't let me.
(: but it was really nice of her.
went to shop around century sq 2nd lvl. quite a few nice looking tops that i would like to buy
but the price is like 30 bucks for one piece of t-shirt.
super no thanks man!

anyway, think i better stop slacking.
because its 20 mins past my end of lunch break already.
hoho.

loves.

back from a great family dinner.
sundays are always the best spent day. (:

ok.
updates from the last few days.
hmm.
i met emily & annette on friday.
went to marina sq. i only met them for a few hrs. & i had to leave and meet jeff.
i could say my day ended off alright. because i begged jesus to make everything end off well.
i remember the tears that kept rolling down my cheeks.
the fear in my heart that kept overwhelming me that i could not breathe.
the number of times, i kept blaming myself for not being careful with the things i say, the things i do.
but like what he said, love overcomes all multitude of sin.
thankyou Jesus that everything still managed to end off peacefully before we say goodbye and return home.

and i'm greatly assured that he still loves me. and of course i still love him.
haha.

hmm.
i think i have to blog again another time. its getting late. and i've to transfer files for cbtl to my mp3 and hp. heee.
so till then (:

loves

finally the upload of pictures. (:
took me so long to do that.
was simply lazy.
anyway there are really much more. but i'm very very lazy.

anyway. happy birthday nana! i did this picture consolidation for you. this picture has a hidden meaning behind it. you're the main star. and around you are your family members. jeff&i, huisa & James, your father & mother, your father, you & Joyce.
we all love you very very much (:
so grow up well !
may God bless your life with so much more.
loveyou loveyou loveyou!

taken on the same day. but this time with my love. haha. he's very amazing. nothing can describe how bliss i'm feeling now just by looking at these pictures.

pictures of polar & smiley. super cute.
sitting so romantic-ly on my bed. hee.

ok. that's all loves.

wednesday.
i've been pretty much alone for 3 days.
working has turned me into a loner.
lols.

its really so funny.
everyday at work. i pack brochures.
during lunch. i eat alone. i surf blogs. i blog. i sleep. i do my qt.
and when its time to go home.
i pack my stuff, leave the office. head to the mrt station and return home.
on the train i would look up in the sky, at the clouds to admire God's creation.
then i would silently talk to him. telling him how i feel.
what my plans are.
i know he knows it all already. but i just feel like telling someone.

and then when i reach home, i wash up. i lie on my bed with my laptop on my stomach
and then i surf the net.
and then once its 9pm. i go to bed.
(i reach home at 7pm)

lol.
see how boring my daily routine is?
BLEAH. -.-
i'm anticipating Friday. where my honey bear is finally free for a date with me.
and also i'm meeting the girlfriends in the day i guess.
haha.
so, i'm really excited!

sometimes, i feel totally redundant in this world.
i often feel like "it doesn't matter whether i exist or not. Because no one notices, even if i were to disappear, nobody would care"
its a negative feeling right?
entrust it all to Jesus, my Savior.

Through this period of time, where time is spent in solitude, i began to really seek Him.
reading His words everyday just brings peace & joy in me.
so thank God for that!

hmm.
Ate Badette emailed me today to ask how am i. haha.
i was quite touched by her email.
so i just replied her. and i'm anticipating her reply.

you know what, today as i was doing qt.
i realized that most of the time, when i need someone to talk to,
there's always no one around.
because everyone's busy.
but then when i ask God to provide me with someone.
He never did.
i finally understand why.
because i prayed and told him to help me trust him, rely on him only & not on man.
so i guess God really is teaching me how to seek him first and not others.
Thank you Jesus (:

Lord,
i surrender every part of me into your hands.
keep me in the light.
that even if in darkness, light will still shine somewhere.
i pray that the past would no longer be a stumbling stone in my life.
i pray that i'll look towards the future.
and i'll continue to seek you in whatever circumstances i'm facing.
Lord i thankyou for the wondrous works you've been doing in my life.
i know that i am unworthy because of my sins.
but i also want to thankyou for your love and forgiveness of my sins.
thankyou so much.
i've found your purpose in my life.
and Lord, i want to work towards this purpose.
i want to stand up strong and glorify your name.
Oh Jesus, let me sing a sweet song for you always & always.
Amen.



left with 5 mins before lunch break is over.
God bless me.
hope time pass fast!

love everyone (:

HOHO.
uploaded a few pictures. lazy to upload like everything?
hahaa. boring arh.
so i spent my first year with jeff a couple of weeks ago. early celebration. & all went well. and i'm loving him loads. haha.
(:

this is ate marlet & me.

this is ate izza & me.
taken at ate dorcas & izza's house. i went there for dinner on monday (: nice food. nice ates. hehe.


ok.
i've been really busy till i don't have time to go out with emily & annette. i am so so sorry ):
sigh i feel like i'm missing out so much. due to two reasons. pay isn't here & there's always not enough time!
my free time last week was spent to ERR.
let me see,
monday - dinner with dorcas,izza & marlet.
tuesday - out with dear to watch evan almighty.
wednesday - met dear after work for dinner and tea at hk cafe.
thursday - took leave and rest the whole entire day. (i was really tired)
friday - met dear at 9pm for tea at hk cafe again.

SEE, i'm not kidding. i'm busy -.-
haha. ok. zhong se qing you.
aiya next friday we got triple date right! i sure go one.
cause i took leave already 0.O

haha.
you know sometimes, i don't really know where i stand. but nvm. haha.
i'm mad at times.
today i made up my mind.
only a few might know what i'm actually talking about.
today although i didn't go there, i decided not to seek anymore answers. put everything behind me, move on. till God's perfect timing.
so be happy, rejoice for your dear sister me. (:


ok. i really miss jeff now. its weird.
last 2 weeks, we had been really annoyed.
but finally having time to meet up and really talk this week, airs were cleared. and we sort of just yearned for more chatting & also planning of the future. (this is our fave hobby at the moment -.-)
haha.

sometimes, love isn't that difficult to comprehend. love comes first, then comes companionship.
haha -.-
i think i don't make sense. ARR. nvm.

tmr i'm not gonna sing for service.
two reasons:
i'm dead tired & i really want to sleep in.
secondly, i really want to worship from the congregation. i'm always very distracted by how i sound when i sing. its annoying. though i know i always have to just commit it all to God. its a constant struggle.

whoever said that i sing well? BLEAH.
it takes like super a lot of effort for me. because i'm no talent. just that i'm trying to nurture into a talent. haha.
the techniques ate Badette taught are like killing me. i'm having so much difficulties trying to practice well and put them into good use. sigh. recently, i've been demoralized by my singing.
yikes.

ok. i think i've ranted about many irrelevant stuff today.
(:
loveloves.

p.s weekends sure pass very fast. and monday is coming where i've to start work all over again . BORING.

hoho.
so i have access to blog at my office!
HMM.
its been ages since i ever blogged.
anyway its 4.55pm now.
35 mins more to the end of work for today.

today i was really exhausted. tired out from all the carrying of boxes here & there. trying to pack the goodie bags for seminars. and now down to data entry ):
everything is kinda boring. but the people here are nice.
i've a boss who asked me this morning whether i'm feeling well because i was sneezing away.
hahaha. see NICE BOSS! (:

hur. i thought results were supposed to be out today for SMS?
what happen HUH!
bleah. ok.
haha.

yesterday i finally watched evan almighty!
it was really meaningful i tell you!
haha. i was really happy yesterday.
finally met up with him and have a proper date. our next date? next friday. long way to go.

btw, today i asked Dorcas whether she would like to be my mentor. and she lovingly agreed!
man, thank GOD! haha. because i was so afraid she'll reject me. HEEEE.
before CL reminded me of asking dorcas to be my mentor, i was already praying about it 2 weeks ago! see how amazing God really is? haha.
he's so real in my life (:


okkk.
so i'm gonna stop blogging and quickly finish entering all the data!
29 mins more.
hope time pass faster.
i really want to go home and SLEEP.

missing everyone (:
loveloves

back with plenty of updates!
hahas.


had a tiff with him which really tore me apart.
was down with all my "God, please bring me home" thoughts all over again.
sigh.
qiqi needs to grow strong, stronger, and even more strong in Christ.
qiqi needs to keep relying & trusting in Christ (:

when i finally attended the seminar on friday night, i was deeply reminded by the last few nights that had been a struggle to me.
hurtful words lashed out at me by people.
hurtful words that i just said to God. telling him to take away this precious life He've given me. and i was just apologizing and apologizing to God.
reminded of his goodness. his mercy and grace on me.
so tears just kept running.
i just wanted to keep crying out all the pain in me to him.

and i want to stop thinking of quitting. i want to run the race!
and the sermon was really good (:

hmm.
my ate Dorcas, ate Izza & ate Marlet has been really good to me.
i really feel so blessed.

i know as a result, i've started neglecting shalom.
but pardon me.
really. sighhh.

qiqi is just weird. borned with a weird personality.
i hope i'll never give up easily again.
that's all for now.

shall update a short entry.
haha.
i've been so busy.
too busy to blog.

the last week had been a blast!
with choir training with Ate Badette. (i use Ate, its philippino. erms, it means sister smth like that) haha.
well, i know i did improve a lot!
and although i'm in Auto now instead of my Saprano. i'm kind of in a still very joyful mood.
haha. been hanging around with my choir members. being pampered since i'm the youngest. and i'm totally loving it.
and Ate Badette is leaving on wednesday ): i'm kind upset. and i'll miss her!
hahaha.

well, through this one week, i experienced lots of love. especially from Dorcas, Jessica, Ate Badette and Joanne!
Thankyou for loving me. for letting me be your "daughter" or "sister" hahaha.
incase you are wondering. they are much older than me! HEHE. old enough to be my mom?!
hahaha.


ok. so there was Radical yesterday. i don't want to blog bout it. because i already wrote bout it in my notebook. hehe.
i need to rest early.

And today, we went to dorcas place to eat curry chicken. yumyum.
watched the sunday worship. and laughed really alot.
hahaha.
my new loves: Marlet, Izza, Dorcas, Jessica, Joanne, Corrine, Ate Badette.
HEHEEE. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Btw, i started work!
i'm doing admin work at a company call wyeth. it's located behind somerset MRT, at power supply building. feel free to call me out for lunch between 1.30pm to 2.15pm
hahaha.

BYEEEEE

let the pictures do the talking today.

i went with bf to tampines mall to have dinner and pizza hut. and it tasted horrible ):
don't ever try the cheese fondue pizza thing ):
and i realized how much i just love him so. (:

jeff's mommy birthday at no signboard seafood kallang. my recommendation (: glad they enjoyed the food. and i really really love his mom (: haha.
my prayer is that, God will keep her healthy and joyful always and always. (:

wei shan & i today after my evaluation. yemin was sittin on my lap when i took this picture. & she thought we were taking photo of her butt. how dumb. haha.

ok. i don't want to blog bout evaluation

but i had a fantastic time with my girlfriends. ina. then emily & annette.
we always have fun (:

haha. i'm loving them more & more.

loves

i'm crying now.
out of desperation.

Lord, hear my cries.
hear my desire to want to change this ugly personality into an image of yours.
hear my cries to want to stop being selfish.
hear my cries to want to be a salt and light for you.
i'm sorry oh Lord,
for the lies. for being selfish.
heal this aching pain in me. pain that i've experienced because of guilt.
i'm sorry.
amen.


i need to confess.
an open confession.

i'm sorry erlina, alan & rooney.
i'm sorry for being a selfish leader. for not wanting to go forth to school to help submit report.
i'm sorry because ytd i know that alan had called, but i did not pick up the phone.
i'm sorry because i've been a very terrible group member.
i know its hard to forgive me right now.
i'm just very sorry. that's the only thing i can say now.



):
tears just keep rolling down my cheek when i know i've failed be a salt and light for God.
my heart just keep aching when i know that i've sinned by telling lies.
my heart constantly aches when i know that i'm actually a horrible person.

but,

my heart also desires to be a better person.
i'm more determined to walk the way in Christ.
i'm more determined to live in Christ.

don't despise me, my friends.
but i pray for encouragement.

loves.

one picture that describes all.

haha.

spent a very good night with my love. wanted to go see fireworks. but the crowd was simply too biggggg. -.- hahaa.

anyway i'm only left with one more report & presentation to go then i'm free from major project. (:

but i'm left with EXAMS! SIGHHH.

hahaha.

ok.

not much to blog bout too.

(:

LOVES

And finally, i poured out all those thoughts to him.
once & for all.

how nice it feels to be able to thrash it all out.

another good thing is, i decided to stop working on the activation code.
and this means, i'm only left with report.
wayyyy to go qiqi.

although, it'll be better if i can get the activation code done and get the extra marks.
but then, i think God says, its ok. because i've really done my best.
(:


now i'm smiling. i think.

do you know that my heart always aches when i call you, yet your focus is on the television?
do you know how many times have your focus been on something else but not me?
do you know how many times have i talked to you, and you weren't listening?
do you know how frustrated, how upset i always am when such things happening?

did you think that i was joking when i told you bout my object rivals?
did you think that i would laugh even when you weren't listening to me?
did you think that i would smile and happily pick up your phone glad that you finally want to talk to me?


you've been so so wrong then.


ultimately, it seem that i'm in the wrong because i would not answer your phone. so be it then.
sigh. cold-wars all day long.
we dont fight, don't quarrel. but there're always small periods of silent wars.

i'm sick, yet i've to deal with all these.
Just show me some concern instead of watching that dumb tv won't you?

man ):
i think someone just shoot me.
i'm beginning to sound like emily/annette.
HUR.

back from a lovely date with my boyfriend.


he commented that i've been a lil too quiet tonight.
and he realized that because i'm always so chatty, he didn't realized he was always so quiet till today. hmm.

sometimes, it's really good to keep quiet and listen to your love one talk bout his life, bout his plans. i think i should listen more, talk less. i wonder if you ever have this kind of feeling before.

sometimes, i tend to be rather insecure.
i often ask God, what if this, what if that?
and fear often start to arise.

like, what if one day, he and i does not work out. what if one day, i find that i'm left all alone.
so many many worries.
and i know its bad to worry.
so i try not to worry too much. because worrying will only open a door to fear.

anyway, my point is, there are times when i think i talk too much and listen too little, thus annoying a 2nd party. and i hate the times when i feel so guilty bout it. so i'm gonna learn to keep quiet and listen more.

i suddenly feel so so exhausted. yearning for sleep. but have to wait for my AVG to scan my laptop for virus ):

ok. anyway, life's been pretty good for me. with major project coming to an end.
and i really love jeffrey aw more than i can ever imagine. (:


loves

chechi loves jeffrey aw (:

today i was just sitting in the bus. remembering the goodness that God has done in my life.
i began to think about the day i first went out with jeffrey. hahas.
it was so amazing.
i was just telling God, how much i thank him for giving me someone to love so sincerely, and so truely.

i think everything is so amazing.
although i've been very very tired lately, i know that God has walked me through it all. and He'll still continue walking me through.
that's how amazing my God is.

today morning i was woken up by my mom telling her friend on the phone bout how church tells her that she's not allowed to do this and that.
i realized how wrong my mom is. i realized that if she continues telling people bout these kind of stuff, how much danger she really is in.

but God, how can i help her?
she was telling her friend on the phone this morning bout she always does her morning exercises - qi gong, xiang gong and yoga. and when she goes church, she'll not tell anyone about them, cause she knows that church does not allowed her to do so.
and she went on further bout how she used to go church, and then she realized one day as long as she believe in Jesus its enough, she does not have to go to church.
she said that believing in Christianity is so mafan, you cannot do this & that, you cannot pray to other "deities".

sigh. Lord, what can i do to help her.

Lord, i pray you'll open her eyes that she may see your truth. i pray that you'll open her ears, so that she may hear the truth. Lord, i pray that you keep her away from stray. and let walk the right path. i continue to pray for her heart to turn back to you. that she may realized that you're the only way and the only truth. and that she'll sincerely learn to love you and stop doing things that are not right. amen.


because this is my private blog, then i'm able to post such stuff.
i'm not purposely revealing my mom's ugliness to everyone.
its just my desire to see her saved, and walking the way in Christ's image.

Let me shine for you Lord. Let me glorify your name. Let me be a good ambassador of Christ everywhere i go.


loves

Saturday: out with the girlfriends.

i only have one pathetic picture. because annette was daryl-shy. she didn't want to take pictures with her boy around. so i snapped one with emily instead. lol.

i dressed up for this outing. haha. i wore a dress. and annette too (:

ok, so we met at parkway. had lunch and chit-chat.

told them about the board game risk. and emily wanted to play.

so we went to giant to look for the board game. but it cost like $61.

so i told emily, there's one at pasir ris interchange for 10 bucks or so.

so we decided to go pasir ris. but, we didn't find the boardgame we wanted. the star wars version was kinda horrible ):

so we decided to go downtown east for snacks at tea valley and pool session (:

so i had a really fantastic time with them. all was worthwhile.

headed to church to look for polar.

and i stoned there for quite long.

that was because i haven't been sleeping well all these nights. and i was feeling a little unwell already. nevertheless, i still headed to 85 market and eat bak chor mee & oyster omelette.

i always love the food there.

so about choir.

i was really affected. during practice and during service. i kept praying to God. because i was really distracted by someone next to me. she got on my nerves. but i kept praying that i wldn't be distracted. i'll be able to cast all these distractions to him, and worship him joyfully. which i eventually did! AMEN!

but i'm still annoyed at her. SIGH.

i don't know what to do bout her at all.

i think sometimes i tend to get a lil too proud. and i know that's really bad.

so God deal with me please.

i want to be humble.

ok. back to doing work.

loves.

btw, next 5 days will be spent doing projects overnight.

pray for strength & endurance & patience.

and also my month of August is more than i can bear. i'll be definitely overworking myself.

i'm packed with mp, final exams and choir training all at the same time.

God, i pray that you see my labour for you. and that you'll just bless me with the strength to not give up, and continue doing my best for everything that i do. Lord, i pray that i'll be patient with everything i'm doing, with people around me. help me manage my anger well too.

Lord, i pray for your blessing. i pray that there'll always be someone around me that i can rely on. i love you so so much.

In jesus's name i pray, AMEN.

tampines mart ):

second night in a row.
i'm really so exhausted now.

recently, i seem to get annoyed at jeff pretty much.
probably when both parties are just so exhausted, they become so much less sensitive.
and that's where friction is caused and ta-dah! conflict arises.

i'm sorry. so so sorry.
i'm so so tired.
there's choir at 10am.
and im meeting the girlfriends.
then back to church to meet jeff at around 8pm


i need strength. prayers please.
loves.

overnight projects

i am at Tampines Mart Mcdonald's again.

of course, i am exhausted. but major project has to be done somehow right?!

hmmm. currently researching on flash ):
so difficult to try implement flash in ASP.NET sighh.

God, grant me wisdom and source codes soon please. i need it (:

btw, i spent the last few hours with annette & emily.
i always enjoy their company more than ever.

lovelove girlfriends (:

afraid

7th August 2007

i'm afraid of hearing about the loss of someone.
when i heard news bout his dad.
i was shaken.
i know the pain of losing.
i know how it felt.

that similar feeling just flooded back all at once.
how everyone left me on that one fine day.
how i was left alone.
so i held back my tears in school.

i told jeff i wanted to be there for him as he support him
but in actual fact, i wished he could be there with me.
how selfish i am.
how pathetic i am.

i don't want to ask why.
i don't want to ask why people have to pass on.
i don't dare to ask why either.

now i know, later at the wake,
i've to be strong and not let my emotions get over me.
it's so weird when i'm not so close to him or his dad.
and i'm upset about it.
i guess, i'm still afraid of hearing bout the loss of someone.

i'm at lost. i don't know who to speak to.
because whatever i'm feeling now, to others are nonsense. ):

many many thoughts

4th August 2007

i love, i love, i love you so much.

Yesterday, i had an awesome day.
struggled within myself whether to help Darren with his assignment.
and then i decided to help him. but i didn't help him 100% though.
i still felt that if i'm doing it for him, then its not helping him.
so i only helped him with skeleton codes.
hmm. i hope that's good enough because yesterday was his submission date.

then i left for MP briefing. MP briefing was a killer.
i've so much stuff to do now in the next two and a 1/2 week.
i don't know how am i going to get through it.
i only pray that God will just pull me through.
shall post my schedule for my own convenience.

these are the times i'm going to do my project with my group

6 Aug Monday: 6pm onwards to midnight/next morning
- Sending of screenshots to Benson
- Coding for Rooney's part
- Solve all the loopholes for the web

7 Aug Tuesday: 11am - 4pm, 8.30pm onwards
- Meet Rooney to do the coding
- Coding/Debugging with group
- work on windows application

8 Aug Wednesday 3pm-6pm
- Coding/Debugging
- Windows App
- Meeting with supervisor

9 Aug Thursday (National Day) 10 pm to next morning
- integration

10 Aug Friday 8pm to next morning
- Group report
- work on appendices

11, 12 Aug
- do individual report at home.

13 Aug 6pm onwards to next morning
- Group report/appendices

14 Aug Tuesday 8.30pm to next morning
- Compilation

15 Aug Wednesday 3pm to midnight
- preparation for powerpoint slides
- video-filming

16 Aug Thursday 10pm to next morning
- powerpoint slides
- video filming

17 Aug Friday (heading from Tampines Mart to School immediately)
- submission of product.

from 20th to 23th Aug, our product launching will be on any of those dates mentioned. and that means more work to be done. 1 hour of presentation ):
and getting people to fill in public rating form - getting students/lecturers to rate our product. whether it's commercial a not.

on the 24th, i'm having my marketing exam paper. which means the only time to study, is every in between, when i'm free.

27th Aug WSAD exam.

30th Aug ECSA exam. (i need plenty of time to prepare for this paper, because i've to do research for it. there are no notes on it yet)

Queen, if you're reading this. keep me in prayer. (: i need strength! haha.

this is the ultimate stress i'm feeling. although i've been reassuring myself that God will pull me through. i'm still very overwhelmed by the workload. i'll still press on and do my best.


********************************************

yesterday night.
i had the most amazing & sweetest & romantic night that i never had before.
we went to Gelare to collect Esther & my pay.
then we headed to ECP hongkong cafe. (:

the food was great as usual.
both of us decided to go sit by the beach. [jeffrey alway tells me he never like beaches]
until much later then i found out why he never like going beaches anymore.
well, both of us just sat at the rocks. and listened to my MP3. worship songs, emo songs. happy songs. all kind of songs. we sat at the rocks for close to 3 whole hours. hoho.

spent so much time talking to each other bout our lives. the things he's been through. the girls. hahahahaha. i'm always interested in hearing those stories, though at point of times, i get a lil jealous. haha. but better than not knowing anything right! haha.

so, i also talked to him bout myself. bout my sec school days. bout everything.
and at that most amazing point of time, i felt so comforted with him being with me.
of course, i want to stand up again. of course i do not want to be sorrowful all my days.
but wait and see okay, i'll be the most joyful girl soon (:

anyway, i never really get to chat with him the way we chatted last night.
because both of us were always so busy. it was just so hard to really talk.
but last night, it was a really good & amazing opportunity to just sit side by side and hear each other speak.

and i thank God with all my heart, that i've found someone who would love me. who would really care for me the way i wanted him to. i've found that someone who would give me all that i needed.

and so, i told him. even if i'm only 1% in your heart. that's enough. (actually, there were tears in my eyes. because i was touched and thankful) but he replied, out of all the girls out there, you take up 80%. i told him, that's enough for me.

actually, i know that his attention span is very short. if he stops loving me one day, if he falls in love with another one, my only choice would be to let him go. and i told him, i wouldn't beg you to stay by my side. because that's not smth i would do. it would only make myself seem so much pathetic. so if that day comes, i'll let you go.

but you know, in my heart. i can already feel the aching pain inside.
like what Esther told me, i've to hold on things loosely on earth. i am afraid of losing because i lost before. but i should still be brave and be able to face losing smth again.
i am lost in my thoughts now.

i'm overwhelmed by the conversation we had last night.
with joy, with a lil of sorrow. but no matter what, i still want to thank God for walking with me. for bringing me to this day. for pulling me up each time i fall.
and with all these,

i pray that jeffrey, he will come to understand me more as each day passes.
that he'll understand why i react differently to things at time. i pray that he'll learn to accept me for who i really am. and that i'll accept him for who he really is.
i pray that even if i know that i cannot be compared to those girls who he really loved before, i'll be someone who is worthy of his love. i pray that i'll be healed from all the past unresolved issues one day. and that i'll be his pillar of support each time he needs me.
thankyou Jesus. for bringing me to this point of my life. thankyou for every situation that i've been in. amen.

my post has been long. but a post that's worth posting.
qiqi, press on. and be strong irregardless of whatever the situation is (:

God loves me. and you too. and everyone too

hoho. ECSA Presentation PBL3

2nd August 2007

getting ready for presentation now.with 66 slides.
haha.amazing right.my class is getting all hyped out.
lol.today im a lil more happy. maybe because no more rain.
i love the sun shining down on me.
it makes me feel so much more lively. (:

loves.

a good 2.4 km run.

1st August 2007

so i decided to declare my blog address to my other best friend; ina.
i just felt so bad keeping something from her ):
that aside; i went for 2.4km jog today!

haha. 18 whole minutes! ):
that's so slow. my stamina is so so bad.
takes time to train up though.
i always cough like mad after running. and my back always hurts. don't know why. someone please tell me its just normal?
but my brother & jeff doesn't seem to have this kinda problem. is it because i used to have asthma? -.-

okay anyway went for dinner. and jeff & i proceeded to play monopoly.
hahaha. and i won again. (: wheeees. i've skills okay!

haha. swimming anyone? haha. and and. i finally talked to ESTHER! wayyy to gooo! haha. (:

loveloves.

im so happy. ok i sound abit retarded but nvm!
i think my days are starting to get better. i need to find my time back with God though. really.
although i'm beaten by a lot of things in life, but wanting to press on just makes me feel so much better. i feel the strength of God in me (:

i've been a very bad example in school. when it comes to projects i've been so slack. i owe my apologies to Siti Zarifah ): for cmsk4 and marketing. i've not done my best at all. i've not contributed much at all. just because i'm too tired and lazy to care. i've failed to Shine. ):

but not anymore ECSA presentation tmr. i'm just going to do my best!
and for my major project too.
strive on & press on. praise God (:

loves.

WHOOHOO CMSK4 PRESENTATION IS OVER (:

30th July 2007

yesterday was my communication skills presentation.
my classmates said i did well.
comments from Mrs.Ramesh was that, initially she gave me a 9/10 for questions handling. but my marks dropped to 7 afterward, after i answered a few more questions. ): but i guess, thank God i still did well overall (:

hmm. so, WSAD down.
Marketing down.
i'm left with final MP evaluation, Brochure submission & ECSA presentation!
down down down.
faster down. haha.

btw, i met ina for dinner yesterday.
i still didn't tell her much.
but well, just talked randomly and eat. (:
pay check coming soon (:

loves.

my own personal space; away from the prying eyes.

29th July 2007

my personal space. after closing down the other blog.
perhaps only queen will know my blog url.
*winks but shhh. keep it low-profile. haha. no one is supposed to know i still blog.

i cannot get over not blogging, afterall i still need a space where i can pen down thoughts.

i just reached home. read ina's blog and i felt this aching in my heart. ):
sigh. what can i do.
the more she stays closer to me, the more i seem to be hurting her.
God, i'm at the extreme. feeling weary. but i want to press on.

i don't want to give up at all.
i just want to heal.
heal from all the wounds in my heart.
i just want to be strong and not cry anymore.
i always feel that no one can understand me. Lord,


do you sense the insecurity in me?
do you sense my helplessness and hopelessness when i always feel that i'm an "extra" ?
do you sense my loneliness and sorrow?

Lord, i want to get rid of all these. i want to remain joyful always and always. please, help me to help myself . help me to get rid of all these pain. on the lighter note, i went for combined cell outing just now. i didn't really interact with the other cell much prolly because i don't feel comfortable. hmm. went to see aaron's performance at heeren. it was good.

haha blog again later. cs is at my house doing project now. (:

BLOG CLOSE

decided to close down the blog. (:

i think, its a wake up call.

i love blogging though. haha. but nvm.

i'll still read all of your blogs!

loves.

i'm so careless with words ):
really.

i don't even mean what i said in my last entry.
oh man, i'm so so sorry if it made you guys misunderstood.
well, from the starting i felt so terrible to be seperated from lynette and timothy. because i thought i'll be able to do even better with them.
but as time really passes, i realized im doing smth that i'm good at. designing web.

its just that until that day, when alan said those stuff. i was kinda taken aback. i didn't know how to react. i felt so useless as a leader. and many many times, i'll just say things or complain and i know it annoys you all. and i just tend to get the feeling im not welcomed. after all, alan and you are close as part-time bfs/gfs. and rooney is alan's friend. get the drift. from the starting, we weren't supposed to be in the same group. but we just were grouped together.

i didnt imagine i would be the leader. but somehow i was just the leader. 3 weeks is just the time that i can drop my burden off my shoulders. i really have no leadership skill and i don't like to lead! haha. i'm really sorry.
just don't misunderstand my words please (:

loves.

oh Lord,
im just a weakling, a nobody who have not learnt how to stand up or to defend myself.
if im going to carry on in this manner, who's ever gonna give me respect in future.
you said to love myself. but is it really possible?
im really angry and hurt this time round.
why when i always decided to make the best out of something, things always have to turn around and give me a slash across my heart?

its not fair to me either.
):




im tired, really tired.
go ahead and report me in that peer evaluation. tell her that im not doing work. just go ahead.
there's a limit that i can take now.
i'm really upset this time round. enough is enough.
don't think that you can walk over my head just because im a weakling.




sigh. ina where are you? i need to rant.
tears just kept rolling just now. and i can't stop it now either.
i hate major project now. ):

God bless me please.

learning to live with it. is crushing me.
learning to live with her, its demoralizing me.
learning to live with my life, im weary.

God, will you save me? will you rescue me?
from all burdens, will you carry me through?

instead of asking will he? its time i start believing that i need not ask. but He'll. because He loves me so much. so so much more than man's love.
heart-breaking.
the sermon today was like millions of arrows pointing towards me. it was as if God was questioning me. i just felt my heart ache. and it ache non-stop.

Lord, what have i done? is this how i want to lead the rest of my life? is this how i really want to live ? i don't. as a matter of fact, i really want to start living joyfully with your joy.

dear has been really sweet today. after the scolding & all. although i was really tearing at all, but the things he does simply made me so so touched.
he said something like, "look towards your future, your future is me. Be strong, don't be so frail. you have to learn to take care of yourself and not let things hurt you."
and the strumming of his guitar, playing worship songs. singing to calm my heart down.
everything, i thankyou. thankyou polar. (:

so at least, i've smth happy to speak bout after this whole day.
seriously, time to wake up from the wallowing in sorrows. because the wounded will end up wounding people. and no, i don't want that to happen. i can't bear to see anyone get hurt because of my ownself.

after my semester end, i'll go look for mandy again i guess. cause i've so much issues to deal with. slowly one by one, i'll get healed. i know it.
that is my goal for now to work towards to.
before i want to make plans for future to reach out to people, i must first be healed.

Lord, this is my inner most desire now.
to be happy. to be healed. to have good family relationships. to be able to live life with joy. to be able to draw closer to you. to be able to reach out to the people in need. to be able to draw people into your kingdom as well.
i pray, you'll give me strength to go through this few weeks, before i seek help again.
Lord, i pray that your presence will always be with me through the loneliness in school, through the emptiness in life, through the hurts im facing, through the burdens im carrying.
Lord carry me through. i know things will turn out well. i still want to give thanks for everything. every situation/scenario i'm in now, i want to thankyou. because through this, once again i experience your faithfulness.
in Jesus's name i pray, Amen

i realized that i've started falling again.
i started to "protect" myself again.
i don't know where im heading to.

but at least, thank God for his presence. (:

went to meet my mp group members today.
had a horrible headache. - must be the lack of sleep & the rain ):
my headache is back now.
sigh

i realized how much im unwilling to share bout stuff now.
because i realized the more you open up, the higher you raise the percentage of getting hurt.
i wish i could stop trying to protect myself and be strong.


but this is my weakness.
God, don't let me fall away from you. because i know im breaking. one wrong step, and i'll be led to doom by the devil. i don't want to fall away from you.
that's my desire. i know i told you to break me, so that i can grow stronger in my faith and in my spiritual walk. but pull me through please. Amen




sorry ina. its not your fault at all. its not that you are unworthy as my friend or something.
its just that, i've difficulty opening up. i cannot accept the fact yet. you might be asking accept what fact, but i'm definitely not gonna post it here. because of ego i guess.
so many things going on in my life, but i always chose to keep it to myself.
that's because i really don't want to rely on human beings now.
the more i trust, the more disappointment i get. can you understand? its my natural reaction to protect my vulnerable self. i may appear strong, but inside im weak. and sometimes i really detest this part of me. many many things are not meant to be shared. because they just can'
t be shared. because even myself, can't understand why such feelings are in me, i can't understand what exactly is happening in my world.
there are still things that i share with you. but those stuff are just stuff that i can share with you or emily or annette. but the inner me, i've not opened the door yet.
not even to jeff, im feeling so apologethic. there's nothing i can do to remove this sickening feeeling in me. the only thing i can do is to apologised.

i've no idea why i've fallen so far away.
to be honestly truthful, i've bitterness in my heart. and i know this will lead to my downfall one day. trying my best, im walking out of it - but sadly to say, not with man's help anymore. i want to try to rely on God totally and not man.

because in future, when man are not there for me, i only have God. i want to try seek God before man. i want to learn.

this is the lesson God is teaching me.
im very very tired & weary. right now, i haven't really found the meaning in life.
i'm very insecure. for the fact that i know, in my life without God, you and jeff.
im reduced to ashes.

i know you'll say we'll be lifetime buddies. A&C partners. and everything. i need to find my faith back.
like i said, the only thing i can say is i'm sorry.


):

imagine this.
going to Mcdonald's at 12am to meet your major project group.
and till 6am, you've been figuring out all kind of ways to set up your SMTP server to send out just ONE email.
and even till 6am, you can't configure the server settings.

then you reach home, you fall asleep. dreaming about how then, can you make the email thing work. you open your eyes at 10am. the first thought in your mind is, how to start configuring
sigh.

now its 1.30pm. still; to no avail



ok. alan just called. my only hope is in school now. i've to reach school by before 3pm.
God bless.


byeee.

so, i haven't blogged for very long
just a short update for you guys out there.

spent my yesterday with ina for sushi. i realized i still didn't share much with her. but nvm. that's not the point. maybe its because things are no longer bothering me.
hmm. spent alot of money ytd. haha. can't remember how much i spent.

i love my boy. (:
haha.
had a lovely night ytd. and we are together for 313 days already (:
52 more days to our lovely first year.
and i really really pray you see the rainbow my darling boy.
for you're the most precious one to me right now.

and i forgot to take pictures again. haha.
won't be seeing him till Sunday again ):
because of major projects. its killing me softly. no la. -.-

so lame can.
byeeee.


stuck in wsad lab doing wsad which we completely have no idea how to.

52 more days to our first year, love

i just thought here's smth meaningful i want to share



sighh. its really so amazing for a girl of 12 years old to come speak up. and this conference was held like 15 years ago?
took it from the liveearth blog. i guess its really a time everyone needs to step out, do their part and save the earth.

i said tmr will be a better day in my last post right?
maybe. maybe not.

sigh.
im still sick. i can feel the lumps in my neck area(as in side my neck) growing again.
this is the 3rd time it grew. i pray i'll not get the stupid glanderous fever again. or i'll have to go back to the doctors for antibiotics. and this will be the 3rd time. i can't afford to fall sick.
So Lord, even when im feeling down in Spirits, don't let my health go down too. there're too many things that i really need to accomplish right now in these 3 weeks.

sighh. i did my mp today. got stuck somewhere; sent a SOS email to my group. waiting for my rescue now. and right now, im gonna slack.

bye.
loves.

seriously speaking; im kinda breaking inside.
breaking and tearing up at the fact of something.
sigh.

looking at myself, i just sorta realized without them, i am nothing. i know its not about man. its about God. but we as man, we need friends on earth.
i know i sound really pathetic now.

oh God, deal with me now please.
i just cannot accept the fact that im actually a loner.
sighh.

im gonna stop clinging on to her. im gonna stop clinging on to him. im gonna stop making it seem that they're my everything. but widen my circle of friends. that i will not be reduced to the state of doing things alone.
right now, i feel really upset. with no friends to really turn to.

Lord, you're the only one who understands the wrenching pain in me. you're the only one who can understand me. you're the only one who would really give me concern when im ill and in need of someone.
actually, im very lonely now and very insecure.
don't forsake me please.


today i went swimming alone. it was good. swam 13 laps in 1 hour. (: haha.
well slow & steady wins the race.
then met my darling boy. out for dinner. tampines mall was so crowded. so we decided to go whitesands. HK cafe again. my treat (: finally able to fulfil my promise to darling boy.

hmmm. talked bout lots of stuff. but none of it, were bout what i've been going through for the past weeks. feel like sharing but there's no one whom i can really share with. so God, its all to you. sighh.
i think its time i stop sticking to anyone. im kinda a bit closed up. but for the fact that i know God loves me, he loves me. i'll try my best not to let myself close up.
but each time i get hurt, each time i try to close up.

what in the world is wrong with me?
sigh. God what should i do now?

tmr will be better. i pray

loves.

Choir fellowship at Dorcas's place.

fabulous food, fabulous company. (:
skipped school cause i felt really uncomfortable. sore throat with phlegms that come out as red/green ): and cough.
sighhh.

anyway, did some major project work, found out many many errors to be brought up for meeting tmr. its supposed to be my free day. but oh well ):
hmm.
kor sent me to tampines. don't know why i called ina when i reach tampines. i was supposed to walk to Dorcas's place, but it was still too early. called ina, and waited for her like 15 mins. then decided not to wait. and went forth to Dorcas's place.
her cooking is great (:

smelled the aroma as i stepped into the house. being the most punctual choir member, im the first to reach again! haha. help Dorcas out, preparing the food and stuff (: glad i came early though.

then waited for the rest to come. hmmm. had ktv session. hahaha. was really cool with the scoring system. no one scored below 85! haha. looks like we all have good singing voices (:
haha.
ok. so smsed dear to come pick me up. and yay he came! maybe cause he was nearby. but nevertheless, thankyou very much. at least i didn't need to flag a cab home or smth (:
i feel so loved in my choir of cause being i've the priviledge as the youngest.
thankyou Dorcas & Joanne especially. i will always remember dorcas who asked me out for coffee. and Joanne who listens to me rant on and on sometimes bout how hard life was for me.

and then thanks to Jessica who'll always give me a hug. and the 2 amandas who are always so smiley (: and then also thanks to Joel who always add in humor to everything we do as a team. and lastly thanks to the lovely couple, shea and ____ haha. oops i just remembered i don't know here name at all! but you 2 are so so sweet! (: hahaha.

im so blessed being in Choir (:
and all the nice lovely fun times we had, i give thanks for all. (:


well, while i was walking to dorcas's house, i felt a lil depressed. have been overwhelmed with loneliness recently. especially when i wasn't feeling well, the person i really wanted to have concern from didn't really showed me the concern. but i really thank God for ina, who provided me with panadol & stuff. it was really touching.
and and and... although i was having a stupid thought just now while walking to dorcas house. alil of jealousy with ____ & _____ ; shan't tell you who. i just felt very neglected. but then i realized she also have her friends. i can't cling on to her so much.

but i was really upset. i wanted to cry. but then i asked God, "Are you there?" and somehow i just felt peace in my heart (:

so thank God for everything
off to rest, my throat hurts a lot :x

im still down.
10 mins more to wsad lab.
there's completely no smile on my face.
i've no idea why

meeting emily later.
hope my spirits would get better.
because right now, i just seem to have close up alil.

God, what is happening?
can you really hear & see me?
im tired. and also drowning.
help me get out of this please.

tears & joy; walk through it with me please.



i got a very bad sore throat. can't really talk properly.
and im pretty feverish. but then i don't really care.
sigh.


life is forever unpredictable. changing 360 degress every now & then.
sick & tired.


loves.

issue X is troubling me a lot.

what should i do to confirm?

im feeling pretty much retarded.

oh Lord, where are you?

i did not have a very enjoyable day. although i went swimming. it was fun but i guess spirits were kinda low in the end.

don't want to explain anything here.

what if i disappear from your side one day? would you come look for me? would you despair?

im so so emo.

whatever.

pictures (:

my new desktop appearance in my laptop (: haha. i think these are the few important friends and people in my life.

although there're a few people like emily & annette that i seldom get to meet up with. but they're really good friends that i can usually talk to (:

there's shalom, jeffrey, annette&emily and INA now on my desktop. i think looking at my desktop makes me feel so blessed with how God has given me so many nice people in my life. haha.

i can never forget the day i stepped into shalom. until now, where i've easily become one member of their big family. its so so amazing. with good leaders like CL and Yung. thankyou!

so blessed! (:

my arms are aching from swimming! haha. i think i over-exert myself. but nvm.

tmr another swimming opportunity with Esther. loveloves.

will enjoy myself. away with all the calories (:

hahaa.

loves.

08 july 2007 : finally, our 10th month.

an amazing blessed 10 months with you.
thank God for giving me a guy like you. thank God that irregardless of whatever things we faced, we still have each other as a pillar of support. thank God that even when both of us could hardly meet up, we still have a everlasting heart of love for each other.
thankyou for this amazing 10 mths with you. thankyou (:

two more months to one year. haha. time just flies. shoots like a rocket i guess. haha.
im happy. really glad.

anyway my day was fabulous (:
haha. sung for choir during worship. felt so refreshed. the presence of God was just so strong. really; experience the amazing wonders of God.
anyway, dear waited for me to finish singing for 2nd service. then we went east coast park hk cafe to celebrate our 10th month together. the food was nice. but i guess i get full very easily. haha. then we decided to go swimming.

in the end, we went swimming with his sisters too (: good swimming. just swam non-stop. i think i had lost quite an amount of calories. but i gain it all back during dinner ): haha.
but nvm. its an enjoyment to spend the day like this with him & his family.

recently, i've been asking myself, what am i going to do in future? what is it that i really want to do? teaching or counselling? i don't know what is the road that God wants me to take. i pray that God will reveal his plans to me so that i can really decide.

haha.
im so so tired. im going school early tmr to do work (: i think. haha.
loveloves.

a really big big thankyou to all who have helped to vote (:
a special thanks to everyone. i can't named everyone. but theres like 52 votes in just less than 48 hours. its an amazing number to me. i thought i would only have 11 votes. haha.

i felt extremely weird asking people to vote and all. cause i felt like vanity started surfacing out of no where again. so i shall stop asking pple to vote. but vote if you can ok! i would really appreciate it too.

initially i didn't want to win, i just joined for fun. but now as im slowly starting to enjoy every single bit of it as i see my votes get higher and higher, hmm i feel so guilty too. ):
weird.


anyway on the happier note, im going swimming tmr (: yay !
loves (:

haha.
this is craziness. everything i look at the Hey! Gorgeous website, looking at my grainy picture, i can just burst out laughing. everything is just so funny!
oh man. its all Rooney's fault. it's he who started the whole "i nominate you" thing. and then i told ina & perline. they were like, yah! u should join. and then ina said "i'll go upload your photo" hahaha. and now after the slight twist&turn of events, my picture is finally up. but its grainy.
so the whole thing just makes me so so amused. looking at the votes increase by each hour, makes me even happier.

so now, does the whole thing actually increase in my level of confidence? but then again, i know my confidence lies in God. im not exactly treating this whole voting thing very seriously, im only asking for people to vote because im a bit bo liao. but i don't really want to win. and i won't i won't. look at all the beauty already! haha.

anyway. click here for the link.
ahahaha. enjoy (:

i feel weird telling people to vote and eveything. seems so bhb. but. hahaha. nvm. just vote (:
loveloves.

when im sick, things just seem to go wrong one way or another.

exhausted. had to dragged myself to school although i was sick and feeling so weak.
sigh. i feel like saying a lot of things. but i am really unable to do so.
fear is an awful feeling. its really awful. especially when fear is the foothold of the devil ):


but father God, i pray that you just remove this fear in me. fear of uncertainty. fear of losing. fear of not being good enough. so many many fears. Lord, i just surrender all these fear into your hands. take me under your arms and give me comfort. for you are my strength and refuge in times of troubles and needs. Lord just help me get through this awful period of my life.
in jesus's name amen


would you show me some concern? would you tell me that im good enough? would you tell me that im needed?
im so upset. it seems like when my spirit is down, virus just always attacks me. and when im attacked by virus, all kind of emotions attacks me.
im breaking already.
but God, just let your Holy Spirit touch my heart. and fill me with your joy once more.
i shall trust in you. like always.



i failed one termtest paper. i can hear the voices in my head already.
"good for you, you deserve to fail"

i really needed you. but you just wasn't there.

school reopen. goodbyes to the holidays.

i've been thinking to myself. look at those people who have major project stress. look at my group and our project. are we just going to get a normal D or C grade ? i really have no idea ): so depressing but nevertheless i really want to do my best. to shine for God! (:

stayed up last night. ok didn't really stay up, till 2am only. but at least i spent 3 hours working on smth ok! haha. and since i start school at 4pm today, so i decided to go sleep.
and im kind of proud of the work i've done.

so highquest is over. and now, im starting on my daily bread highquest format. its really good. like today i did psalm 55. about king david's friend betrayal. and how he turned to seek God for comfort. and did not run away from the problem infront of him. Us - normal human being, would always run away from our problems and not dare to face it. But in Psalm 55, King David told God that he trusts in God. And that even when his enemy insults him, he could endure it. Even if his enemy rise up against him, he could hide from his enemy. and this are all because he knows God will help him. because his trust is in the one and only God.
what a good passage given to me today early in the morning! because it really taught me that i should not keep God at the last option in terms of trouble. i should just go directly to him. Even if its frustrations to be vented, anger, blaming, God can take all of it. because none of this will harm him! this is just so amazing God really is. He cares for me, for you, for everyone!


I've decided to dedicate my blog to God. every good thing given, i'll give thanks and praise Him for it, and i want to write everything here to show people about how great God really is (:
praise him forever and ever.


(:
im working three days in a row. wheees. hope wed will be my last day of work. haha. i need to get down to studying already (:
loveloves.

p.s i love jeffrey aw (:

spent the night with my love (: its been amazing how i can just feel so comfortable with you polar. i can spent the whole entire night yanking away bout almost everything (: i am so in love with you. but most of all, God taught me how to love first. so thank God.

i learnt that i should thank God for everything that i've in my life. that i am blessed!

today, i found my motivation back. on the way home, as polar was riding along the highway, i was giving thanks to God. for everything he has provided me with. provided me a place in TP to study. and then i thought bout what polar has told me. i thought about how i should really do my best irregardless of what. in choir, or in studies. i should always do my best for God. and i asked God, "is it too late now to start studying madly again? is it too late to want to do my best for this semester." i know deep in my heart that everything can be made possible with God. so my prayer now is that i'll do my very best, and God will show me favor that i'll shine with my results. and so, i know i'll shine. first in my results, then in choir. strive hard and do my best. (:
i really give thanks for the conversation with my love. (: God is awesome!

God is really awesome in my life. life's been amazing. i want to see another miracle in my studies. in my studies now, in NIE (if its God's will for me), in choir. i need to see a breakthrough (: just like how i saw a breakthrough in my prayer life .

thank God. really thank God.

our God is the everlasting God! (:

loveloves

p.s im running out of HQ to do . ran out of devotionals. SAVE ME. will any kind soul please give me a new devotional. i'll love you (: hahaa *hint hint*

i haven't blogged since camp.
maybe its because i've been penning thoughts down in a more private place. like my note book (:
i suddenly have the habit of penning down thoughts when and as i feel like it. and i don't have to go on my lap top and connect to the internet before i can pen down stuff you know.

i just read esther's blog. because she told me to! haha. its really heartwarming to read all the thankyou and know that i am appreciated. i think its really true. you have to express your gratitude and appreciation of a person. and not keep it in you, so that the person will feel appreciated. haha. really.

friendship blossomed. between Esther & i. i thank God for allowing this friendship to blossom. for teaching me how to treasure. i remember once, back then. people said i always take friends for granted. back then, i often wondered and asked God, is that true? but now, i know im never the same before. God really changed me.

almost one week has passed after camp is over. i began to see that i've changed. in my notebook, i wrote this particular phrase, "God changed me, camp changed me" Normally, you would feel that camp is supposed to change lives of the campers. but never would you ever expect that the camp had changed the live of me, a camp comm member who labours for God, and serve the campers wholeheartedly.

i really have changed. thank God. prayers has just became part of me recently. it has been just so heartwarming to know that, my prayers; the smallest ones are actually answered. it all comes with believing and having faith. you just got to believe that God is powerful, God is almighty, you just have to believe that things will turn out well. its all about the word BELIEVE!

i was just telling Esther the other day at work that, when God disciplines his children by giving them hardships, the process is indeed so painful, but the aftertaste of it is just so sweet. so so sweet. that you just draw closer to God, and you want him more and more each day. Only when it came to the last session of HQ, then i really learnt to appreciate doing HQ, appreciate reading the word. and each day, im filled with joy. yes! the joy of the Lord is our strength! AMEN to that.


what an interesting holiday. what a fruitful holiday. a holiday when i managed to draw closer to my heavenly king. thank God for everything that has happened. thank God for changing me.
praises to God forever and ever.

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.


im finally back from camp. a really long 5 days 4 nights. seriously, i think as i get older, i prefer to stay at home. i am no more that kid who loves to go camp. haha.
i think i learnt a lot from camp. i learnt my part in camp as an admin. i learnt how to really communicate. i learnt that prayers are really important and many others. i also came to learnt about myself. the flaws and the strengths.

day 0 - leader's day
leader's day were very slack. only the moving of the logistics was a bit tiring. well, i didn't move much lah. but was practically running around. haha. but then later on in the day was really slack. hmm. but then, there were a few hiccups with food. with me and food i/c. ):
and jeff fell sick. i wasn't worried at first, thinking it was a slight flu. but i was so so wrong ):

day 1
i went back to church with feli & robyn to get the campers. there were a few hiccups too. missed out a lot of names in the registration list. i felt that i didn't do a great job. infact, i was beginning to feel like a loser. but then i decided to push the negative thoughts aside, and do what i can. so, i reached back the campsite. it seemed like the campers felt really welcomed by the leaders. and it was great! i travelled alot today. because i had to get stuff for the food and the packed lunch & dinner from jeff's mom. well, but because of this, there were further unhappiness ): but im glad that the campers enjoyed their first day. the game pirates of PLMGS was fun. i get to bomb the groups though i was an NPC. but it was really fun.

at this point of time, jeffrey was already having a fever. i prayed for him. seeing him in that state makes my heart ache a lot. i had no idea what to do. but still i kept praying.
soon after i left to collect dinner, jeff left the campsite to go home. i came back to the campsite with ling yang (herbal tea) but he already left. that was sad. but nvm, i prayed that he'll get a good rest.

the game prison break was really funny. although my heart was really worried for jeffrey, i know i had to be strong in camp. for the campers, i still had to be happy. it was a struggle. but i tried my best. and i know i really did my best in being happy. walking around, taking photos, spending time in the torture chamber lifted my spirits a little higher.
by the time, we had to go back to our bunks to rest, it was already 1am+. As i started praying to God for an assurance. i came upon this verse.
Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
In my heart after reading this verse, i told God, i know he'll carry me through, he'll carry jeffrey through. i cried and went to bed.

day 2
i woke up in the morning shocked. i received a sms that jeff went to a&e last night, and may be suspected of Dengue. I showed Esther the msg. and she prayed. i know i cried a lot in the morning. i just kept crying non-stop. every part of me was tired. the more i prayed, the worsen jeff's condition got. i had no idea why. my faith was even smaller than a mustard seed at that point of time. after crying i had to go down and join the campers. i tried to be strong. but i guess it was really written on my face, that im plain worried though i really tried my best to smile.
tears were constantly in my eyes. but there was nothing i can do. i just wanted to rush to his side and keep him accompany. but then i cldn't leave my duties in camp.

during worship and workshop, i could not worship at all. because i felt angry. i asked God why, why he allowed such things to happen? i ask God why no matter how much i pray, nothing turns for the better. i kept tearing. when the campers prayed for jeffrey in their own groups of 2 & 3s, i was touched by their sincerity. and later on, when ______ (i forgot who) started to lead in prayer for jeffrey, i just kept crying because i couldn't control anymore. and darren asked me whether i want to go visit jeffrey. he can send me there.
After thinking for a few minutes. i still decided to go. so i went. darren drove me there.
Seeing him, makes me a little comforted though he was still feeling very sick. ): i continued to pray and pray. and i left around 2pm after he slept. and headed to fort canning for the rest of the games.

played hop-scotch with ina, while waiting for the groups to find us. we were station masters (:
well, it was a really good game with ina, because after perspiring, my spirits were high.
but it slowly died out when there were more conflicts. i cried. and cried non-stop. felicia came to talk to me. slowly, i let things out. from what happened since day 0 till now. how much i've tried to be strong. how i felt God has abandoned me. how much i really didn't dare to pray anymore. after talking to her, i sat at the grand stand alone under the sky of stars, in the dark, alone with God and no one else.

I asked God, why? why have you not done anything? i kept crying so much. why is my faith so little i asked God? as i began to ask him, i began to recount 2 events that touched my heart. i remembered on the taxi to fort canning after visiting jeff, i prayed. i ask God why is there no miracle ? no matter how much i prayed? i closed my eyes and rested for awhile, a song on the radio started to play. the song prince of peace. the chorus goes, "there are miracles when you believe" i started to ask myself, when i believe? the next moment when i was back in school, and when i was going to step into the AVA room, i heard a camper tellling her group, "We believe in miracles."

As i sat and the grandstand thinking about believing with all my heart. i heard a voice asking me, "do you really believe? do you believe in me?" i started to cry again in desperation. i told God, i believe. i believe your works. I do believe!

and guess what? the next moment, i asked juliana to call home and ask about jeff, his mom said his fever has already subsided. immediately i thank God. i thank God for his miracles. i thank God for the lesson he made me go through. I thank God for his healing powers. and i was overjoyed.

day 3
Jeffrey came back to camp! he sent me the happiest smses in the morning. i was practically grinning wherever i went. i was just so happy. i think i learnt a lot the past few days. and God has definitely changed me in my prayers, in my faith.
had a few fun games. but then there were an increase in injuries and ill people. then tension started to rise among the committee and helpers. i started to realise that we had not prayed enough for the campers! and so i retreated and went to pray.
and true enough, there were no more injuries anymore. but it was really quite late to pray also being this was the last night.
this was the first time i ever prayed sincerely with love for every single camper,leaders and committee members. i really felt God's peace in my heart.

day 4.
im happy today. because i finally get to go home. i really wanted to go home. dying to go home. hahaa. then we headed back to church. and had a debrief. a long debrief but a good one.

end of camp (:

i have to apologise to Esther. i had not know of the budget and did not check properly. so im really sorry to said that you have overspent. and there were a lot of conflicts between both of us. i admit i was really upset. because i really do treat you as a good friend. and when things happen, i felt upset. i wondered about what i should do, how i should react. but many times in camp, you were also my encouragement. sharing with me many things. and i really thankyou.

yepp. and also thanks to felicia who also spoke to me. who encouraged me at the grandstand. thank you for the words that woke me up.

overall, i left camp with a good experience with God. thankyou camp committees for putting in so much effort (:
i love all of you.

loves.

pictures blast (: ikea (: aaron as the photographer. haha.
GELARE (: while waiting to start work, ina came to visit. and we started snapping.

my new hair color (: ina did it for me. loves
YC overnight event; the hunt. jeffrey and i as station master (: loves


actually i've a lot of overdue pictures. but i am very lazy to upload all. haha.
camp is just in 2 days now. haha. and im really excited already. loves.

i don't really know what to blog about. but just to update you all. God is great (: and im doing great. although it wasn't really smooth for a few days. but things just got better and better.

loves.

im unreasonably upset.

i've experience the down for 4 days in a row. and it has already demoralized me from deep within.

i wonder how long more can i withstand. God, just how long more? you answered my prayer. twice. you shown me the sign 2 times. and Lord, how can i say no? i said yes. i'll follow. but i've been hurt again and again. what is your plan for me Lord? to strengthened me somemore? sigh.


im going to be home all day. and spend some time with myself, with God. going jogging later in the evening. hopefully God will help me think properly. (:
ok.

i want to go study ecsa (:
loves.